i am leading a life at all.. i am having no control about wat is happening now.. wat i am doing now is not wat i wanna do.. i am sort of forced by circumstances to do n behave how i behave now.. actually wat i am doing now is making me tired physically, mentally & emotionally but i just cant help n need to do all this....
for the past 2 days, i left home early in e morning b4 10am & was out until 11 because of work.. i admit today i came home late its because of attending a odac frenz b'day thingy & meeting lijing they all at halo bar but i was working in e office like until 8pm lo... my life now is full of things & damn packed.. i gt no time for my entertainment & do things that i like cause i cant afford to waste anytime.. not only my body needs to work, my mind is also constantly working & thking about alot of things... from work, from sch, from studies, from r/s, from home, from all over the places except myself....
my mum is also giving me alot of worries now.. she is old enough to thk lo but she will always make the whole family worry about her... never thking of the consequences.. it really damn irresponsible lo... she had been always doing that, i really duno tis time round am i worrying unduly or its just a routine.. everything will be back to normal aft that..actually now, its not my fault lo but she is doing all this again making things seems like it all happened because of me & i should be fully held responsible for it.... i know wat she did is because she care for me & its out of kind intention... but i really need her to trust & believe in wat i said lo... do i really seem so 'distrustable'?? or she thks i am still those 3-yr old 'xiao mei mei', still ignorant & naive?? ha... thk in the eyes of all parents' we will always be a 3-yr old 'xiao mei mei' or 'xiao di di' no matter how old we are...
i am trying my best to thk at the better side.. she will be back home safe & sound in another few days.. nth will happened to her during tis period.. or should i say nth had happened to her.... trying to assure myself & lead a normal life, still working & stuffs... argh~~~ all the existing problems are making me suffocated, why must i haf this additional one coming in now!!!!
at this moment, i am thking during that time, am i really too much?? i know its e 1st time after i grown up that i behaved this way, i lost it totally & din care about her feelings n everything at all... thk its all because of all the things that's building up.. all the stress n problems contributes to the emotional outbreak & make me lose my cool..... i am seriously damn stressed up now... if this goes on, thk i am gonna get depression...... nowadays, everything seems so grey & negative... i am having all sorts of negative thoughts but at this pt i will still try my best to do things that cheer me up & help me keeps those thoughts out of my mind.. but i am really scare that one day, i wont be having any more energy to fight all this thoughts & might just succumb to it.... when will things turn for the better cause i really dun thk i am able to last any longer if all this keeps getting worse.....
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