i received a call its from e clinic tis afternoon.. its abt e medical report of my mum.. though e nurse din really tell me wat is e pro but from her tone n stuff, i know things are not that simple.. it mux be sth bad but i duno wat it might be.. i dun really dare to tell my mum abt e nurse's tone n that it might be sth serious coz i dun wan her to be worrying e whole nite lo.. so i jux told her e doc jux wanna discuss sth wif her.. i am feeling quite bad now.. really duno wat the doc will say tml.. the thought of sth bad really chills me..

went out wif him again n jux reached home less den an hr ago.. wanted to watch final dest 3 but there were no more tics.. in e end, we went to eat Sizzlers at Suntec City..

haf been meeting him for 3 or 4 consecutive wks already.. it had been like those times b4 we broke up.. he can be really nice n swt at times.. but he can be insensitive n uncaring too..

jux know from him today that he had actually came n read at my blog twice when his fren told him abt my entries.. previously, he told me that he din come n read at all.. so when i knew abt it today, i finally know why andy tells me that actually the guys know wat we gers are doing n they will feel sad abt it..

i feel that tis blog is where i can express my emotions n where i can let out my fustration.. because other than here i duno who or where can i express my emotions n feelings to.. i will jux write how i feel at that moment of time.. it mayb be in a fit of anger or it mayb anything.. i know tat sometimes wat i say might hurt HIM but i really dun haf e intention of doing so.. i jux wan to be truthful when i write my entry.. on e other hand, i dun wan him to feel sorry n pity me abt wat i went thru during the 1st few mth aft we broke up lo.. that is y i feel quite upset when i know that he did read some of my entries today..

i really hope that he meant it when he say he had forgottten my blog add.. cox i really dun wan him to come n read at tis blog again..

been trying 4 a few days to update my collection of photos up here.. but as u can see here.. i din succeed.. haha.. been very confused abt how to resize it to e actual size i wan.. do until wanna puke blood liao..

drove to sch today 2 meet Gan n e others.. study there for abt 3 ~4 hrs.. well, e progress is definitely beta den i am at home.. at least i wont be tempted by my bed n tv there.. thk muz really go there often to study.. haha.. but i wont get to drive soon coz my dad is going to drive his car to e apartment carpark in town soon.. haiz..

haven really get into e momentum to study yet.. hope the momentum is on the way now.. i am waiting for you~~ haha.. asked me out k? i feel so sian staying at home e whole day to study.. i miss clubbing..

i had so much to write.. there is a special blog on my b'day.. haha.. cause there are so much things for me to upload n write.. so plz go to this webbie..... hehe..

http://yamz21stbirthday.blogspot.com/

today is my 21st b'day but early in e morning i still haf to go for my last POA lect in sch.. wanted to borrow my dad's car today n bring my mum to oasis n treat her to Thai Village during lunch time one but den my dad said he needs to use the car today lo.. argh~~ ppl dun wan to use car he oso dun wan, when i need liao den he wans to use it lo..

in e end i went to JP to meet my aunt cox she said wanna get me my b'day present from there.. i met my mum on my way at bukit batok stn n went there together.. we had our lunch 1st den went walking ard.. den we passed by a manicure shop n they jux went in to haf a pedicure treat.. leaving me there watching em enjoy themselves.. ( i cant do e pedicure cox of my 1st toe nail.. ) i waited for more den an hr for em lo.. duno today is their b'day or mine lo.. haha..

aft that, we finally go get my present liao.. i chose a diamond bracelet for my b'day.. hehe.. it was a present by my aunties, uncles n some cousin.. really wanna thx em for e present lo..

frankly speaking, i really dun feel anything abt being 21 now lo.. to some extent, i dun feel that today is my b'day.. until some fren msg me to wish me happy b'day.. i am really touched by those who send me e msg.. (u know who u are lo.. ) thx for being such a sweetie n nice fren.. *muackz* i love u guys..

another 2 days more to my 21st b'day.. i am feeling indifferent towards it.. should i be feeling that way?? is all e others feeling e same way like i do now when their 21st b'day is approaching or am i e odd one.... well, to me at tis moment, that day will jux be like another day where i will spend it in loneliness......

ever since i broke up wif him, i always haf tis feeling tat a part of me is missing.. n tis feeling is becoming stronger n stronger as e time passes by... that feeling is really unbearable lo.. sometimes in e middle of e nite or b4 i fell aslp, i will thk of e times we were together n den tears will fall down from my face once again..

i know it had been quite long since we broke up le.. i shouldnt be grieving over it anymore.. but whenever i thk that sth i once had will no longer be mine anymore i will feel...... i cant really explain it in words.. my heart will feel really pain......

someone say tis : "once u broke up wif e other party, the best way to forget em n carry on wif ur life is to get em out of ur life completely" i do agree wif this statement but carrying it out is another thing.. its always easier said den done.. for me, i really cant do it..

met him yest 4 my b'day celeb.. i was really surprised when i saw him holding onto a 'adidas' paper bag when he met me at YCK stn.. he had bought me sth that i haf been wanting for very long le.. its a 'adidas' jacket.. i am really touched by him cox he is really observant tis time round.. tis is e thing that i haf never experienced b4 when we were together.. i should say that it is really a pleasant surprise.. cox i never ever thk that i will receive his b'day present so soon.. am really really touched la..

but one thing is, anna they oso bought me e adidas jacket.. so now i haf 2 jackets for my b'day.. hehe.. well, its 2 diff design so i thk its alrite ba.. so ppl dun buy me anymore jacket liao.. i haf more den enuff le.. wahaha..

jux like any other day, we went to watch a movie den go haf our dinner.. aft a while he jux went back to camp while i went to my grandma place to bai bai... we stayed at my grandma house until 12 plus b4 going home n slp.. it was really tiring sia..

jux came back from a movie session wif my family at CWP.. it has been yrs since we last saw a movie together le.. thought tis time round, i only watched wif my mum n sis, while my dad n bro watched another show, its still consider as a family outing ba.. haha..

watched 'I Am Not Stupid Too'.. thk alot of teens will feel e same way as me aft they watched the show.. our parents are all like that.. they are more stingy wif complements n praises of us when we grow older.. they will tend to look more abt our bad pts den gd pts.. the last thing which i raise both hands to agree one is..... they will not let u haf any chance to do any explanation cox whenever u wan to explain they will jux continue their scolding or jux ask u to shut up..

that is why whenever my dad started nagging i will jux keep my mouth shut w/o making any effort to explain anymore.. coz from past experience it will jux make things worse so its beta to shut up n 'listen'.. explaining to an elder who always thk they are right is a waste of time n a tiring thing..

b4 e movie, we went to Courts n shop there for 2 hours.. cox my dad wanna change his furniture n buy a new set of surround system n tv..... in e end, we bought a new tv n a surround system.. haha.. looking forward to e 'theatre-like' experience in my house soon.. wahaha...

haiz.. he told me today that he cant celeb my b'day for me tis sat liao.. quite disappointed cox b4 i left 4 KL he told me he might be able to celeb for me on sat.. haiz.. well, wat to do... i cant expect anything from him oso.. thk tis yr no one will be celeb my b'day for me on e actual day liao.. haiz~~~~~~

i am back~~~ jux came back from my once a yr 'New Yr KL trip' tis afternoon.. its always as boring as ever... the only thing that cheers me up is the shopping trip.. but tis time round i din buy alot of clothes oso..

1st day :
reached there b4 8 am.. my dad drove damn fast n it took us less den 3 hrs to reach there.. e moment we reached e hotel, me n my mum quickly rushed off to e shopping centre le.. time is money u know.. haha.. esp when most shop wont be open 4 e next few days.. at nite, we went out for dinner wif my relatives there..

haiz.. chi new yr is over... e next big thing will be my 21st b'day liao.. cannot imagine that i am turning 21 in less than 2 wks.. will anything changed aft that??? well, mayb my thking n my perspective of life will change.. haiz.. damn scare to thk abt it la...

heard a very saddening news today.. its abt my aunt one, she needs to go thru a operation n it will be really hard for her to go thru that.. both emotionally n physically.. felt really pity towards her but i cant do anything at all to help her.. the only thing i can do is acc her to go shopping today..

rite aft sch, i went to orchard to meet her n my mum.. we tried to keep her company so that she wont thk so much n she is behaving very normally jux like any other shopping trip.. but deep inside we know that she is jux puttin on a brave front lo.. at times when we return from e washroom trip, we can see her sitting there n staring into e space.. seeing her like tis really pains me alot lo..

it once again let me see that how fragile we are n how we always take things for granted.. only when sth happened den we will treasure wat we always had but din take a moment to realise its importance.. really feeling very sad now lo..

went to e Lib n study today.. finally i studied for >4 hrs.. its such an achievements for me lo.. esp it had been so long since i last did intensive studying like this.. but i nearly got tempted by my mum wif her shopping trip at Bugis wif my aunt.. haha..

i met HIM today n acc him to see the Chi Sin Sei cox he sprained his ankle during a ball game last wk.. i studied until 4 plus n went to meet him at CWP.. aft having our dinner there n haf a short window shopping time, we went to e clinic.. its actually very near to my place..

haiz.. very vexed now.. still thking abt my bday chalet thing.. duno wan to haf ladies nite or not.. feel like asking those jc guys along too.. thk it will be more fun lo.. argh~~~ any suggestions ???

realise that i haven been updating my blog for a very long time.. esp for dec one.. there is only a few entries.. haha.. thk i muz come more often to update le.. 1 gd pt abt writing blog is when u look back at wat u haf wrote previous, u will sometimes fine urself very stupid to be bothered by such tinny- winny stuff that u thk it SO BIG at that moment..

i really cant stand myself these days la.. been very restless n listless.. wats happening to me?? isit the symptom of me growing old!! well, i thk so lo.. ever since i step into this no. 2 world, i haf been feeling very sian n tired abt going out n staying out late... i dun haf e vibrant anymore..

mock exam is in another 6 wks time but i can tell u i haven even read thru 1/4 of my notes.. thk i will sure flunk for my mock.. dun really haf e feelings n mood to study at all.. nth to motivate me.. tml i am going to e Lib n really study intensively.. hope i can at least pick up some pace n find some motivation...

been racking my brain for a theme for my 21st bday party.. finally decide on one that is easier to achieve one.. haha.. BEACH WEAR.. its more suitable oso la.. since rite in front of my chalet is a small pool.. so everyone can jux go for a dip if they feel warm.. haha.. but frankly speaking i still prefer e SLP WEAR one.. haha.. well, shall wait for another occasion to organise that ba.. hehe...

yest was helping my mm making loveletter so forsake my studying schedule.. today i am trying to make it back but well, it only lasted 2hrs?? haha..

tis couple of days, the weather is really grey n sad.. well, it is jux the exact thing i am feeling rite now.. i haf been having tis feelings, ever since tat day, HIS attitude towards me changed.. and i got this feeling once again, i am at his mercy once more.. his action n words will haf a directly effect on my mood n feelings.. frankly speaking i hate that, i hate to be out of control again.. that is why i am trying to put an end to tis.......

now, i mux conc on my studies n revision.. i cant let history repeat itself.. i dun wan to flunk like how i did in JC.. i duno whether i should blame him partly for my failure, mayb i should even blame n hate myself for being so easily influenced..

thk i muz really re-organise my feelings n mood to welcome the Chi New Yr.. n my dreadful MOCK exam in march..

wow.. realised i had been abandoning tis blog for more den 10 days.. haha.. been really lazy to come online & i really duno should i write wat had been happening in my life for e past 10 days here or not.. in e end i thk i should let em stay inside my mind cox it is e safest place to keep em..

chinese new yr is jux 3 wks from now.. time really passes by very quickly w/o u realising.. i still rem last yr how i went to the Chinatown New Yr bazaar wif HIM n it seems like yest.. i oso din realise that we had broke up for more den 7 mths le.. sometimes the sad feelings will still haunt me whenever i thk of the times we were together.. i will still feel sad, disappointment n ke xi..

well, time is really a very scary thing.. esp at tis period of my life.. i feel scared when i know that chi new yr is coming n it is coming so soon.. last time i will be very excited abt it but now, i feel scared..
in another 5 wks, i will be turning 21.. well, it means i will n muz be more responsible n take on more responsibility.. i still cant believe that i am going to be 21 soon lo.. i felt like i am still in my teens n behave like one oso.. haiz.. jux when will i behave n become a grown up??

went to shu's house 2 celeb our X'mas.. haha.. it has been like a routine ever since last yr.. but tis time round, lesser ppl went for e party.. my contribution to e party is the oreo cheesecake that i learnt recently.. but it taste very very nice lo.. haha..

me n HIM took a cab down to shu's house at 6 plus.. we were e earliest to reach there n were stuck outside e gate cox Ms ah shu din on her phone.. it is more like a gathering at shu's house rather den a X'mas party.. there is no X'mas feel lei.. mayb no trees n stuff la.. haha.. but its quite enjoyable..

during e X'mas gift exchange, everyone was so afraid to get jackson's n andy's present la.. coz of their past yr record, their present is really very ultimate one lo.. but tis yr, jackson's gift is one of e best lo.. e most jia lat one is Teck's gift, which is a Bratz doll.. haha.. e most funny part is andy gt it lo.. haha..

ah ma, steph, andy n jackson went home at 3.. left e others staying in shu's house to rot.. in e end, we slp at her living room until tis morning.. den i took train wif kaixiang while He took a bus home..

shu they all ask me wat is our r/s.. frankly speaking, i oso duno wat exactly n where do we stand.. its like so blur n weird.. more den frenz but duno couple or not... well, i thk at tis moment, it doesnt really matter oso..

ha.. finally back from Genting le.. quite a diff experience den the previous trip.. coz tis time round gt company there ( philip, alvin n edward ) & i went into e Casino.. a place i never went in during ALL my previous trip there..

the 1st nite, they came over to play n brought beer.. as i was on medication, my forfeit is to drk water.. so tat nite, i am e most sober person in e room n oso e most healthy one.. haha.. but i miss getting tipsy n high sia.. duno when den can start drking again.. hehe..

e 2nd nite they all went to slp aft coming over to my room n play Uno.. My mum wanted to treat em for cheesecake n coffee one but they din stay n went back le.. So left our family there to eat n enjoy the nite breeze n mist.. haha.. we went back to our room at 1 plus as it was getting colder n colder le.. me n my mum den went to e Casino..

it was an eye opener for me lo.. quite different from wat i expect it to be.. me n my mum stayed up the whole nite playing n seeing others play there.. haha.. e 2 of us jux went round n round the Casino.. hehe.. quite fun la.. mus tell those who will be going there the 1st time, there is really such thing as beginner luck one lo.. cox it happened to me.. haha..

e whole trip was quite fun n nice except for e bus ride back.. it was really disatrous lo.. the ventilation of e bus was damn bad n it was filled wif e cigarette smell lo.. me n my mum felt damn uncomfortable n nearly took a cab back at e midway of the mountain stop lo..

tis incident let me see e other side of a 'fren'.. instead of helping us out, he jux let me n my mum fend for ourself n continue buying his stuff there.. when i said i need to make a call, he din even offer to lend me his hp n walked away despite knowing i dun haf any auto roaming service.. aft all tis, he din even ask whether we are feeling beta or wat afterward lo.. really damn ungentleman lo..

my shoulder haf been feeling very pain since sun aft the Sentosa trip wif the JC gang.. thk i really underestimate the mighty SUN le.. as it was a cloudy day, i felt that putting on suntan lotion is really redundant, so i jux din apply anything.. AND the results is, e red n burning shoulder~~

den tis 2 days had been feeling quite upset regarding the genting trip thing.. jux some misunderstands n there is no argument at all but i duno y e other party told e others we had an argument lo.. that made me even sian n upset lo.. dun understand y he had to do tis lo..

went out wif Mummy n Sis to Orchard.. going out to haf some fresh air is beta den cooping myself at home.. went to eat at Fei Cui, the HK style one.. today i din quench my craving for Xiao Long Bao again.. when den can i eat my Xiao Long Bao????

Sun is e day i broke up wif him for 6 mths.. well, time really flies lo.. We broke up for more den 6 mths now le.. If we are still together, den our 26 mth anniversary will be coming soon le... But we still meet each other almost every wk now n he will sms me almost everyday.. Like ah ma, my lovelife now is really complicated n messy ah..

wanted to update my blog yest one but kena d/c.. hehe.. den lazy to type again le..

well, today is a special day.. its HIS b'day.. jux like last yr i cant celeb it wif him on e actual day.. but tis yr is more special, coz i am celeb it for him as a fren instead.. tis is e 2nd time i did it as a fren ba.. the 1st time is in 2002.. come to thk of it, tis is e 4th yr that i am celeb wif him le..

went to sch for PBF today.. aft e lect, my head was abt to explode lo.. really super saturated wif all e pts n new info taught.. haiz.. den went to cwp n had dinner wif wilson they all.. wanted to go supper wif my mum one.. but she dun gif face.. haha..

HE called me n we chatted on e phone.. our r/s now is really weird n complicated.. duno how to explain.. now jux feel like going to club soon.. looking forward to e SIM bash next wk.. hope can haf alot of fun wif ah ma n wanyui.. hehe.. let's havoc n dance till we drop babes..

i went study wif alvin at e Lib today.. aft sch we went for lunch at e bukit timah hawker centre.. den went home slack for a while n went to e Lib le..

we went to book a 2 hr slot to study inside the RESEARCH CARREL.. haha.. never heard of it b4 rite.. it is a small 'room' for research purpose using their reference book.. as i am a very HARDWORKING n need to refer to e books, we are able to study in that 'room'.. haha..

sth amazing happened today, mr alvin din slack at e Lib, he did study for <2hrs.. tis is reall a miracle lo.. normally during his Lin trip, he will either be reading comics or slping.. as for me, well, progress is not really gd lo.. only manage to finish a few pages of e reference book.. haiz.. econs is really 'killing me softly'~~~

oh, i gt my PBF textbook today.. super lucky coz when i went there they only left wif ONE last copy.. on top of that, i din reserve for the book lo.. haha.. my frenz who had reserve <2 color="#66cccc">SIGNAl, a signal to ask me to start studying n revising.. hehe..

jux came back from my jogging session.. super long never run le.. now feel SUPER tired lo.. haha.. but its really cool to sweat..

other den that, i oso went for a 'test' ride wif my dad.. coz i not really familiar wif his car & driving on e road is VERY DIFF from the driving stuff u learn at BBDC.. esp the parking part.. now i still duno when to turn n stuff lo.. haiz.. duno when can i go out wif supper driving on my own w/o help ah..

recently, the study mood came back liao.. hehe.. thking of going to NATIONAL LIB on fri.. anyone interested to go together?? hehe.. guess its time to start my revision oso liao ba.. left ard half a yr to my test but less den 3 mths for all e lect to end..