going to KL~~

will be going back to KL to celeb my chi new yr tml.. its been a routine for our whole family to go back there every yr ever since i was young.. in e past, i was quite excited to go back there cause the atmosphere of new yr is really alot better den singapore.. there's all sort of firecrackers that we can play in e past but now, its just like singapore.... wat excites me now is the shopping trip b4 the shops closes there..

luckily, my dad agrees to come back to singapore b4 my b'day tis yr if not i will be pulling a super long face during my new yr celebration there.. there was once when the 1st day of lunar new yr is the exact day of my bday.. despite knowing it is my bday, none of the relatives wishes me happy bday nor prepared a cake or wat for me.. tat's how 'close' we are.. after that experience, every time i was damn scared of lunar new yr falling ard or near my bday.. its really a disaster...

just came back from a small new yr goodies shopping with my parents.. we went all the way to tanjong pagar to get the mandarine oranges cause those that were in woodlands really cannot make it.. the size, the price & the quality is damn bad.. b4 that we went to geylang for dinner..

erm.. let's hope my weight will remain the same when i come back.. but i thk its hardly possible with all the new yr goodies & my fav. 'ba kua' ard... just cant resist the temptation of food.. shall just indulge myself in those new yr goodies & work DOUBLY hard when all this ended.. hehe..

celebration~~

in another few more days, we will be stepping into a year of rat... the last time when we celeb the year of rat i was only 11... now i am turning 23... when the next yr of rat come, i thk i will be in another stage of life...

during this 12 yrs, i have changed from a pri to a university student.. went thru the whole puberty thing & turning into adulthood is like a new phase of everyone's life... i wonder wat will the next 12 yrs have for me?? how will things change & differ from now...

from my uni yr 1 life until now, life has been like a roller coaster ride for me.. from a very naive & super boring person, i turned into a clubber & has become more n more disappointed in this world... which in turn leads to my openness to certain issues... see through alot of things in life & let go of alot of things in life... now, i have turned into a cant be bothered person.. no drive in anything i do & nth seems to interest me... leading a super monotonous life.. but time seems to pass by faster in this mode... mayb its because the things i do is the same throughout & not filled with different activities thus everyday seems the same....

but my life will change after chi new yr... or at least i hope there will be some significant changes.. i hope my life will be a little more happening but exams are round the corner also.. which means time for fun is becoming lesser & lesser......

sec sch day memories...

just walked past my former sec sch while going to supermarket to get sth.. past by the classroom when i was in sec 2 & sec 4.. alot of memories flashed back.. thk its all because of the sec sch supper gathering yest..

we met up yest at the prata place near my house... sit there from 10 plus until 2 plus.. talking about our life now, talking about wat happened while we were in sec sch... alot of things that were long forgotten lfashed across our mind once again... ha.. that's how memories is like.. only when u keep thking about it den it will not be forgotten if not, only when someone unintentionally mentioned it den u will try to ransack ur mind for that particular incident that had once been craved inside ur mind...

joon chai was talking about his unhappiness experience with our chem teacher... it was quite a huge 'event' but i just cant rem it at all.. den is the movie 'blaire witch project' that we went to watch with shaoyun.. if she din mentioned about that movie, i really cant rem about that incident also...

haiz.. those were the gd old days when we were in sec sch.. that was like more den 7 yrs back already.. how time flies.. its really funny.. in e past we dun haf much association with joon chai, pingwei & wei shyang one, its only aft we grad already den we become closer.. the r/s between ppl is so magical, isnt it??

turning 23 in the next 2 wks.. felt damn sian.. in another few more mths, there goes my student life...will be going into a new stage of life.. working adult... how will it be like?? guess i will miss my life being a student ba.. its more carefree & more time for me to acc my love ones...

among the 8 present yest, only me & wei shyang are still studying.. the others are all working already.. its so weird.. last time we were all students but now we are going into a stage where most of us are working & going into working stage le.... thk in another few more yrs time, we will be attending wedding dinner & full month celebration le... haha..

i really love those gathering with my frenz in sec & jc....

back once again...

i just came back from another genting trip on sun with my mum.. this time round, only me & her went there.... alot of my frens were saying that i am very garang & crazy about genting.. erm.. ok, i admit that i have been going there more often den i go to orchard this days.. haha... but come to thk of it, its really very near us ma.. jus a 6 hrs bus journey & da da.... going to orchard from my place need also an hr.. so its just a 5 hr diff.. haha....

i dun really gamble there as most of u know.. i go there just because of the cool weather.. that's sth we cant haf in singapore even if it rain for 3 consecutive days.. this time round, i was quite happy cause the weather is quite misty unlike 2 weeks back... love the relac lifestyle there.. can slp very late, den wake up very late.. the moment u wake up, u will feel refreshed by the cool morning wind.. not humid like singapore... den go for brunch, walk ard etc... if possible, i dun mind staying there for wks lo.. haha....

at 1st when we reached there, i tot time will pass by very slowly cause i haven been together with my mum for 3 whole day alone after she give birth to my bro & that is like 16 yrs already.. so feeling quite weird in the sense that my bro & sis are not ard.. like short of sth... haha.. but its really quite cool to have my mum all to myself for tat past few days.. erm.. tell u sth funny.. i actually felt quite sad on the coach back cause when i am back, i will need to 'share' my mum with my siblings... damn stupid rite??

saw weiming there on my last day.. he was there with his frenz but too bad cause he just reached but i need to go back le.. he saw me in e casino & came up to me.. hee.. i din wear my specs so cant see so far also la..

erm.. this is the 1st time in e yr that i went there.. everything seems like a fresh start.. not thking of the past & wat had happened there in e past like how i used to.. but at times the feeling will still linger for a while... now, i really thk everything is just a beautiful dream...... cause i really cant believe now about the things that i had done....

past memories~~

dun be mistaken.. this time round the past memories has nuts to do with r/s stuffs.. its all about my childhood memories... today we went down to my former grandma's place ( my granny passed away 8 yrs back ) for her death anniversary thingy.. woke up ard 8 plus by my mum & went down to the chinatown hawker centre for our breakfast... had the urge to eat those very traditional food like 芋头糕, 糯米饭, 油条..

den we took a bus down instead of taking the train.. gt a chance to walk the on the pathway which i haven been walking for more den 10 over yrs... everything has changed.. the buildings that used to reside those nonya families were pulled down & has turned into a carpark now.. the pathway that used to lead up to the staircase has become a place where the coffeeshop place their tables n chairs.. the old HDB buildings with the restaurant & carpark in front of em were pulled down to make way for newer HDB buildings that are taller now.... how time flies rite.....

after seeing so many changes, i saw a barrier in front of me which is e only way to lead me to a staircase down to my granny's place.. i tot the stairs is demolished or wat when i saw those barrier.. haha.. well, its actually there just to prevent the cars from parking at the pavement in front of it... the warehouse which i used to stand at my granny's window when i was young to watch the workers moved the crates has become a new condo with swimming pool.... that is how fast singapore is changing & how human memories fail on em... its only when u go back to the same place den all those small tinny winny memories that u haf kept deep inside ur heart will come back to u...

now i understand one thing.. time really wait for no one & how those changes changed everything.. its undeniable that all those changes are necessary to make the society a better place to live in & to make us more competitive against other countries... but haf u ever tot & realised that nowadays, we are growing further & further apart from each other.. is this a side effect of those changes or its just me?? in the past when i was young, i feel that ppl are closer & frenlier to one another.. isit because i am young den & is more innocent so i tot ppl are frenlier n closer??

that is why i prefer those older buildings n things.. i am not an antique person la.. i just feel that those old buildings have a life in em... they are 'alive', alive with memories of all the ppl that had played a part inside of em or have let the buildings played a part in their life... there are 人情味 inside em which is missing in those new buildings.. that is why when i heard that some places like maxwell market, tiong bahru market, chinatown building would be upgraded, i felt quite emotional... i am really afraid that the area ard my granny's place will go thru this kinda things also.... most of the places which played a part in contributing to my childhood memories were 'gone' ( everything has changed apart from the address ).. i really dun hope that the most impt place will change also..

cant believe i am such a 念旧 person rite??

exams.....

just went to pay my exam fees @ RELC with cheng, billy & yaoquan yest.. was working at wellington b4 yaoquan fetch me to IMM to withdraw money for my sch fees.. den we went down together to meet billy & cheng.. we were late because of e long queue at the bank but luckily, there was not many ppl at RELC so we din wait very long.. i can still rem 2 yrs back when i went to pay there on the last day of the payment date & how chaotic it was.. had a bad experience so this time round, we went on e 2nd day.. haha.. damn kiasu...

after making the payment & feeling damn heartache, we went to bugis.. i was damn hungry den.. haven been eating anything the whole day... we ordered alot of food & the both of us ( me & yaoquan ) managed to finish it lo.. it was raining heavily by the time we finished the meal.. had to wait for the rain to subside b4 we can go to bugis village.. billy & cheng need to buy present for their frenz... miss shopping at bugis...

we decide to go to billy's place for MJ later & went to fetch lishan.. really enjoy life rite.. haiz. duno how long this will end, exams is like 4 months down the road... can begin to feel the stress that is building up.. blur about everything & MA is really eating alot of my time.. i really have no time for other subjects... felt damn pek cek... but luckily, everything is sort of like back to normal & i am feeling much stable now.. not having those mood swing & temperamental tendency anymore..

had a short conversation with him on the phone because of my notes.. been months since we last talk over the phone.. e feeling is really very very different.. the feeling he gave me now is also very different.. to me, he is like a stranger now.. the person whom i know in e past is no longer there anymore.. i really duno wat has happened to him but i believe wat had happened must have a very big impact on him to cause such a big change.. he is no longer the optimistic, confident, humorous guy with drive that i know.... all i can sense is his unhappiness & helplessness towards his life.... no matter wat, i really hope that everything will turn out fine eventually for him... :)

back to billy's place MJ session.. after we ended the game, billy's dad taught us a new game.. its a poker type MJ set known as 'La Bi'.. i saw ppl playing the game b4 but dun haf any idea wat it is all about.. after learning, i thk its quite a fun game that needs u to come up with strategies to get rid of the biggest pt card... quite interesting.. hehe..

happy belated b'day ah ma~~~

finally we met to celeb ah ma's birthday.. we were all busy with our own life & haven been meeting often for dinner etc so i am really looking forward to our gathering to celeb ah ma's birthday... the 4 of us were really very close to each other during our JC days... but how we met each other & our impression of each other were very funny....

shu & ah li thk i am some sort of ah lians when they 1st stepped into our class because of my slighly red colored hair & my fav denim jacket which i always wear ard in e sch... ah ma, tot i am some kinda mixed blood because of my features ( another saying means i am pretty!! ) haha.. when i 1st saw ah ma, i thk she is really fair & pretty, must be some kinda rich family kids.. ah li & shu looks very sporty & athletic.. the type of sunshine gal... hehe...

as for how we become so close?? i also cant really rem wat happened to make the 4 of us bond together.. thk its because only e 4 of us in the class are not those study type & missing from sch type ba.. haha... den duno why, we have nicknames for each & every of us which caused the ah's group to arise...

i met ah ma in town 1st & waited for her to get her hair permed @ reds... perry ( ah ma's bf ) was there also.. haven seen him for quite some time also.. thk he slim down quite alot.. we had our dinner @ pasta cafe.. their pasta is fantastic...

we talked about alot of things over dinner.. den we were reminded of those outings to celeb birthday... we remembered shu's 17th birthday @ breeks buffet marina & 18th birthday @ thai express esplanade.. this is because we took alot of funny photos.. we begin scolding each other why we din send the photos over the net... den we remembered, those photos were all in hard copies.. it was taken even b4 those digital cameras were out... haha.. those were the days....

we used to go for buffets for our outings everytime.. be it birthday, after sch activities, going out etc... we really can eat alot alot that time.. was damn amazed by our appetite den... dun thk we will be able to eat like e past... its damn scary.. we talked alot about the past, rememberint & reliving those days when we were in JCs.. some moments were really being forgotten, only able to rem it when they mentioned it... that's memories, must kp reminding urself about it if not it will be washed away or masked by some even impt or fresher memories.....

we decide to go elsewhere for desserts & continued our talk.. while walking, we tot of going for some drks but den ah shu have to work tml so we have to forsake that plan... we ended up at TCC centrepoint.. oh, i love the ambience there.. i love the pillar which gives us a very victoria, very old feelings... duno why, i just prefer old buildings den those modern one.. felt that those old buildings have more life in them as compared to the new ones which looked so dead....

dark devotion ordered by me, ah ma & ah li...

the half eaten & 'beautifully' decorated tiramisu ordered by shu... ( decorations contributed by the 3 of us... )

when we were making the orders, the waitress seemed very shocked to see us ordering a serving of desserts each... is that very weird?? its not as if the portion is very big... ha....

group photo...

ah ma with her present..

ah ma bought each one of us a x'mas present.. that's so sweet of her.. she din buy for herself cause dun haf her size anymore.. if not we can all wear it together next time at our MJ session.. haha...

the sexy little undies with the cutie little ribbon behind.... :p

happy new year~~

its a joyous occassion today but guess wat am i doing the whole day at home?? ok... good guess, yes its my MA assignment.. just how interesting my new yr can be?? thk i really took the wrong modules.. okok.. dun wan to complain on e very 1st day of a brand new year...

felt quite refreshed.. brand new yr, brand new start.. bidding gd byes to all the bad things that happened last yr... really looking forward to wat this yr have for me... will it be as exciting as last yr? if yes, can it be filled with gd things & happy ones??

dun wanna thk about the past & just wan to look into the future now.. all e negatives thoughts that had bothered me were all erased away.. i wanna start everything afresh so i must empty everything..

conclusion~~~

in another few hours time, this yr will be coming to an end... was reading a few of my past months entries, trying to do a wrap up & conclusion for this yr... realise i had experienced alot of different type of feelings.. from those that i am familiar with in e past to those that i only started to encounter them this yr...

its a very eventful yr for me.. thk alot of ppl might not went thru wat i had at all.. is that blessing in disguise for em not to?? erm.. well, it depends on how u see it ba.. its really a beautiful memories that will enact itself in my mind forever.. from the start we all know that its sth that will not have any happy ending.. sometimes i felt that it ended too fast after all we had gone thru.. but a frenz word enlighten me today... now, i am glad that we end it earlier & i am really appreciative of his decision to let go of me at that pt of time.. if not, the pain will be even more & things might haf turned uglier.. i admit the pain is unbearable but at least its reduced to its minimum....

other than r/s stuff, its my life... work life, sch life etc... work life was great, i haf a wonderful & fun loving bunch of colleagues.. wat's not so gd is the after event which caused the company to get suspended & my pay, not coming in yet even until now... this further complicate my sch life which requires me to pay my sch fees other den worrying about my stupid modules which i find it difficult to catch up with... even if i am on a lambo, i doubt i am able to catch up with wat the lecturer are teaching... they seem to be manoveuring a spacecraft!!!

den its my family.. a few things happened but it makes our family much stronger.. we have developed a bond which we have never had b4.... we are closer now, talking to each other more now & listening to each other more also... i am having the most wonderful & precious gift in this world.. my family... they are my motivation, the ppl that kps me moving & alive.... dun thk i am such a strong person, i did felt giving up on myself & my life b4.... the tots did flashed across my mind but it din stayed long...

frenz are another source of support for me.. they were there helping me, trying to help me & listening, giving me advice when i needed it the most... this is really a tough year... i hope that everything will be better in e yr to come & i can leave everything behind.....

back from genting~~

this yr genting's x'mas lighting is very nice...

finally i am back from genting.. but i am not e least excited about coming back home cause of all e assignment that's gonna to be due this wk, the budget constraint thingy, the working thingy etc.... coming back means i have to face all this problems & i hate to do that but i know staying in genting wont be a solution at all also.. it only makes me becoming more n more like an ostrich, only know how to run away from problems....

the 3 days 2 night trip din help me to relax or refresh me at all.. thk the stay is too short & also most of the time, i am indoor @ e casino... not outdoor, enjoying the cool breeze n nature environment.. talking about cool breeze, the weather this time round is consider warm.. there's no mist at all.. 1st time there for 3 days but not a moment its misty... OMG, look wat global warming is doing to our nature... a dec period but there's no mist at genting... thk in another few yrs down e road, it might not feel cool at all....

1st day :

we left singapore ard 7 plus & only managed to reach KL at 12... had our lunch at a small restaurant serving the best fish i had ever eaten.. its very fresh & the meat is really supple yet soft.... miss their famous tofu..

we went checked in ard 3 plus & went to the casino aft that with my mum.. as for my dad, sis & bro, they went to the starbuck to go online.. we only go for our dinner at 9 cause of the heavy lunch we had...

dinner at pizza hut :

aft dinner, we walked ard for a while & go to do our own things.. managed to slp ard 4 plus..

2nd day :

woke up ard 10 plus by my dad as usual.. he is always our alarm clock, waking us up for breakfast whenever we went on a trip.. if not, we will slp ard 12 plus or even later.. hehe.. went to have roti prata at the shop inside the carpark of resort hotel.. very little tourist know about this place, its very hidden but the food is gd...

aft breakfast, we went to the shop at the old bus terminal.. there is a new coffee restaurant there.. another change in genting within 6 mths...

queuing for the tickets..

we had our dinner at the coffee terrace, enjoying their international buffet.. dun really like the desserts that they served this time round.... its all those x'mas cookies & stuffs.. dun really like it...

that is how we will look like after having too much buffets... haha...

guess my dad is very bored... he drive us here specially even though he is not a gambling person & wat he did at genting was slp, go online, watch dvd at the cafe & reading newspaper... hehe.. he is really very nice to come with us....

my lovely daddy...

last night in genting~~~

Yes I am back to genting once again.. have been wanting to come here for months & finally have a chance to do so with my parents….

Tonight is my last night here for the hols & also my last night here for the entire 2007.. in another 2 more days, we will be stepping into a brand new yr.. everything that had happened this yr will be a thing of the past, just like him to me no matter how I wish that will not be the case.. he is my perfect type of guy… the bf whom I wished I will have when I was young… fulfilling most of my expectations of a guy but just too bad, he is not available for me.. well, thk gd guys are just hard to come by & even if they do, they are taken…. Haiz…

Oh… I did a very stupid thing today.. thk it’s a subconscious thingy.. I am staying on the 26th floor of tower 2 which is a floor below the room of where we used to stay.. I did tot of going up there to walk along the pathway once again but rationality stop me from doing so… this afternoon, when I reached the lift lobby, I duno why I go n press the ↑ button when I should press the other one.. so I just leave it to fate to decide which way I should go by seeing which direction lift will reach 1st but in my heart I was praying the ↓ one will come 1st.. well, I supposed heaven just wan me to face the whole thing for e one last time bravely.. e lift came & I went up to the 27th floor, alone this time round, taking the same old pathway to the room where we used to stay…. ( thk I am just practically sick la… ) not feeling wat I tot I am supposed to feel… just some flash back of the memories & that’s it…

I went downstairs as if nth has happened.. but another coincidental thing happened.. guess no one will believe it or if anyone do, they will thk I am very bo liao also... hee… already felt very stupid for going up to the 27th floor le.. dun wan to make myself seems more n more like a loser.. so this will be kept as a secret…

The weather here tis time round is not as cold as the previous times I came but to me, I cant even stand going outdoor for 5 min, let alone like last time, sitting outside for an hour listening to my mp3…

A lot had happened during this 1 yr period… its like a roller coaster ride for me.. within this short period of a yr, I have tasted almost all the feelings & gone through a lot which someone might not have gone through for their entire life… I have grown up a lot because of all those things that I had went through & I wanna thx those ppl who was there contributing to what had happened in my life… be it those who hurt me or be it those who have helped me through.. I just wanna thx em for playing a part for wat has become of me now…

A brand new yr will be going to start in another 2 more days.. for those who wanna contribute their share in my life, better be fast cause I am gonna devote most of my time or should I say all of my life on my studies & family… that will be my new yr resolution which i will make sure to fulfil it.. :)

X'mas celebration~~

jingle bell jingle bell jingle all e way~~~ yeah.... finally the long awaited X'mas eve is over.. will be going down to shu's place in less den an hour for our annual JJC gang gathering.. haha.. it has been a routine ever since we grad from JJ to celeb x'mas together at shu's place...

as for yest, in e morning i fetched my mum, sis & bro to buy their textbooks... the whole thing took almost an hour lo, luckilyi brought james' notes over to read or else gonna rot there doing nth... aft that i was at home doing my dad's proposal.. has been working on it for almost a wk... 1st time doing proposal in my life.... its like pre-preparation for my working life la....

in e evening, i went to meet qing cheng at jurong east cause his cousin & him duno how to go to brandon aka bra's place... they had prepared alot of food when we reached.. there are sandwiches kindly prepared by his mum, agar-agar by baozhu, chicken wings fried by brandon ( looks abit chao-dar but taste really gd... ) not forgeting my salad, cheng's haagen-daz ice-cream log cake which cost S$90+ * faintz* , jean darling spag & dory fish...... the food really filled up the whole table ( including our stomach )...

jean darling & the whole table of food.. ( that's only part of wat we prepared.. )

the legendary log cake... the snowman is damn cute!!!

after dinner we were slacking at the living room, taking pictures & doing our gift exchange...

jean darling was really excited about the session.. really so ke ai lo.. hehe.. i got the present from jean, cheng got the present from me, jean got the one from baozhu, bra got the the one from cheng & lastly, baozhu got the present from bra...

finally ending the photo taking session with some bimbotic photos.. hehe..

den we start our long awaited MJ session.. can you believe how lucky is bra.. he won cheng & my base amount even b4 the whole east wind is over.. we continued playing until the next morning... as you can guess, i am the santa claus at the MJ table... haha.. but its ok la.. once a year thingy & its the fun that matters..

i took a bus back & was knocked out during the whole journey.. 1st time i found tat taking a bus back from jurong west is that fast.. cause the next moment i woke up, i was already near my place le.. when i reached home, my bro was up cause he was going to meet his gf.... went to bed & slp until 2 plus cause need to go n meet shu they all...

baking & studying day~~

was baking at jean darling place on fri.. it was a really impromptu thingy.. at 1st we were supposed to meet just to finish the MA assignment that will be due on 2nd jan.. can u believe it.. i must spend my festive season doing MA... OMG..

we met at bukit panjang plaza to get the ingredient & wait for QC.. been a long time since i last bake sth.... the process is really fun & qc was there helping.. haha.. can u imagine our honours tan baking in the kitchen.. hehe..

we baked cookies & cake hoping that we can succeed now & do it for the x'mas party on 24th... e cookies was gd but the cake was abit too hard.. thk its because we kp baking it & din preheat the oven beforehand...

look at how huge the cake becomes...

aft the baking session, we finally get down to sth serious.. our MA homework... haiz.. its really a killer... dun thk i can ever finish the 50 plus qns that james gave us he ended the lecture of the year...

we studied until 8 plus & went to haf our late dinner @ pangjang plaza....

was supposed to jog with teck when i come back home but he went out with his frenz to alleybar.... ard 12 plus he called me & said he drank abit too much, feeling quite seh now.. thk its his 1st time mixing drks ba, that's y he gt seh so fast.... luckily his frenz was with him & sent him home...

sec sch gathering...

just came back from my sec sch gathering... we were supposed to meet for dinner but i reached only aft the dinner ended.. den they decide to go to ktv.. its my 1st time going to the ktv with em aft we know each other for so long...

it was quite fun singing with them ah.. they never fail to make my laugh my head off with wat they did.. haha... was playing the dice game & i never expect that its their 1st time playing it.. it gt them hooked rite away... instead of singing there, they will simply engrossed with the game & forfeit... dun even care whether their songs are being played or not.. haha....

never knew meiyun can sing that well... she really impressed me... aft the session, we gt tot of going to play MJ but den ah chye gotta work tml.. so..... we decide to go for supper at chong pang instead..... there goes my dieting session... haha..... but den its like once in a long time that we will gather like that so i just postpone the dieting to tml ba... hehe....

get to know em better this time round during the session.. we are a step more closer & i felt quite happy about... as i grow older, i realise that the simplest thing actually brings u the most happiness.. frenship, & kinship that seems so 理所当然 aer actually the most beautiful thing in life to treasure & maintain but because it seems so readily available, everyone does not realise its importance....

i have been feeling damn down for the past 2 days.. esp during that day when i went out to do courier... as u see, usually i am quite gd with my direction & get used to knowing wat to expect in the next junction etc... its like i haf control & know wat to expect with certainty but that day, i am like venturing into those places i never came across b4.... when i alighted at the bus stop & looked ard me, i dun even know where exactly i am & where is the destination at..... i felt damn lost... i felt damn helpless.. wat's worse is, its raining......

finally i get to the place after getting drenched.... i asked cheng out for lunch & went to his place cause i cant go for the next courier as i dun haf anymore forms with me.. only at his place i realised that the customer earlier on i met din sign on the form... which means i have to go back there once again... argh.... i duno why am i so blur as to forget such an impt thing.... so i went back there again & waited for her for like nearly 2 hours but she din come back lo.... in e end, i went for another impromptu courier at clementi there b4 coming back again to the same place.... because of the stupid mistake, i miss out quite a few courier which was fixed earlier on......

felt damn useless & demoralised.. cant even do such a simple thing... all the negative tots just start to devour me slowly... nth seems to be able to cheer me & i really duno why am i doing in this world.... i have been living in this world for 22 years for nth lo.... am just a flower in the greenhouse, too well sheltered from all the storm & bad weather of the outside world....

i msg teck in e end, asking him wan to come out or not.... he was working but suggested to meet me at night after knowing that i am not feeling too gd... its e 1st time i am sort of like 'asking him for help'.... as u all know i am not tat kind of ppl who will usually let ppl see my weak side in person other than the blog... so this is such a 'breakthrough' for me.. haha....

we went for jog at night... need some endorphine to cheer me up... exercising is really a gd & healthy way... esp towards someone who is growing horizontally... thk i shall make it a habit to exercise at least 3 times a wk.... mus really thx him & cheng for being there for me & helping me thru all this.. must all thx cheng's mum for being so nice & frenly towards me when i am at his place.....

teck said tat when someone offered u his help when u are down, no need to feel pai seh to accept it... just accept the help readily & keep wat he had done for u in ur heart...... its not too late to repay him when u have the ability in e future... that is quite true.... i will rem all those ppl who have helped me deeply in my heart..... when there comes a chance, i will repay them their kindness towards me.... :)

stressed~~

i am feeling damn stressed out now cause tml i gonna go ard the whole singapore for courier... whole day will be filled with doing courier n stuffs.. gt 2 routes to go.. one is to the east, e other is ard the central, west & north.. haiz.. just finished checking the directory, looking at wat buses can i take to get to the destination.. OMG... really feel like crying.. but this is e last lapse le.. die die must also hang on until the whole thing ends.. cannnot let this thing daunt me... but i can expect that tonight i wont be able to slp well le.. that's me... when i get stressed or know that sth impt gonna happened tml, i will not be able to slp well.. is that being paranoid?? hehe...

lack of motivations..

yes.. this has been the case for almost a yr... i realise my motivation lifespan is quite short.. i need constant motivation to keep me going on.. i am like a 100m runner... i am not a marathon person.. will hang on for such a long time.. i wonder if alot of ppl is like me..

went to JB on thur nite & skipped my FI lect.. my mum has been wanting to go there to eat at nite for very long le... this time round, my dad finally take e initiative & say wan to go in there.... so, i forsake my lecture ( cause if i din go, they will not also!!) & went in with em... we went to a small estate near our house in JB.. wa.. its like a small food street... there's alot of food there, char kuay tiao, oyster egg, claypot rice, thai food, satay, chicken wings etc.... we ate alot of things & spent only like 50 RM.... its damn damn cheap.... if we were to eat like that in chomp chomp thk we will have to spend more den S$70....

after tat, we went to our house at nite for the 1st time.. even though we haven installed all the lights, but it looks damn bright from the outside cause of the light from the guard house... den we take a walk in our own estate.. i love the cool air blowing & the quietness of e place.. felt quite safe in there.... its really damn cool....

we only managed to reach home ard 12 cause of the mini jam at the singapore custom.. its really not a bad experience to go in n eat there at nite... shall go in there more often lo..

hehe..

wat am i getting myself into...

this should be the qns that i should be asking myself mths ago... when i made that decision, this qns did flashed across my mind but i just let it slip pass without giving it a serious tot... things might be alot diff if i do let that qns stayed in my mind longer....

a fren said i am the most innocent party cause i am pulled into the turbulence n duno wat i am getting myself into... i agree that i am rash to make that decision but i do know the consequences behind it.. just that like wat i said, i thk too highly of myself, thking i can pull off from the whole thing easily.... ha... so all in all, i am not an innocent party, in fact i am the most devilish one.. w/o me the whole issue wont even surface at all....

impressed~~

after alot of unsuccessful attempts in clinching the 'deals' today which made me damn demoralised.. i decide to go for a break n watch some videos on youtube.. was recommended by a frenz regarding this variety show called 超級星光大道.. its been showing for quite some time le & i only started watching it now.. damn behind time lo...

was really impressed by 林宥嘉 when he sing the song 你把我灌醉..... he is so young but can sing damn well... not to mention, he is damn cute.. boy boy look....

gonna go to bed soon after updating the blog entry.. look damn ghastly because of the recent late nite & sickness.. argh~~ thk i must learn to slp early from now on...

was celebrating yaoquan's birthday @ tony romas just now.. realised tat all my dinner experience at tony romas was all to celeb my frenz birthday.. 1st time was ah li's birthday, 2nd was shu's one den now, was yaoquan's one.. 1st of all i must say that they served the nicest ribs ever... even though i was damn full because of the main course, ( luckily we just ordered 3 sets n shared among ourselves... ) but i still go ahead & ordered my fav skillet cookies.... haha.. that desserts that they served totally blow me off... i thk billy, lishan & yaoquan have the same feelings as me cause we finished the whole thing within 5 mins... not to mention all of us were damn "bloated" from the main courses.. haha..

b4 this, we were at Qc's place playing MJ.. actually this was all a very last min thingy.. i was planning to come home straight after sch to do calling one but den we decide to go n celeb yq birthday cause he cannot make it on the actual day itself.. so to kill our time b4 time dinner start, we decide to go for a game of MJ.. went to fetch justin at his place b4 going down to cheng's house...

after dinner, we went to the bukit timah liquid cafe thking of chilling out n playing some games there but sth crops up & we had to leave early.. yq send me back home b4 going back... i really miss those time when we come out for dinner & chilling in e past...

due to all the activities & working for sth that the payout will come much later, my bank's 'number' is depleting very fast.... thk after this mth, there wont be much left anymore.. duno how to survive thru the next 5 mths b4 exams gonna end.. even after my exams end, i dun thk i will be able to get a job that fast.... argh~~ feeling so vexed now.. cant seem to conc with all the problems at hand... i really wonder when will my payroll from the previous company be coming in.... i really need that for my survival & when i talk about survival, i am not kidding lo....

i have really lost myself....

just came back from movie with billy & justin @ PS... was watching the show 'golden compass' & it just ended so abruptly... felt damn lost aft the show... must thx billy for sending me back home specially aft the show even though he need to rush down to meet his fren @ holland village.. really appreciate it & felt damn thankful towards him.. i will always rem all the things that my frenz has done for me during this rough patch of my life.. i really duno wat i will become if they were not ard me.....

just like wat i said earlier in my entries.. this yr is really the toughest time in my life.. i have never gone thru so much thing ever b4 & went thru so much things that i could not handle at all.. i really changed alot & lost my own self completely le.... why do i say that??

actually, long time back i already know tat i have lost myself due to the circumstances but i just duno to wat extent it has gone & i always tot that i can find it back.... just now, billy said sth to me... he said that i have changed.. i am not the decisive, self confidence & the weiting that knows wat she wants anymore... when i listened to wat he said, i realise that's really true.... i really duno wat i wan at tis pt of time.. there's just too much things for me to thk about & worry about that i duno wat should i be thinking & doing 1st....

i really to find my old self back but i find it to be damn difficult for me to do so..... i am really very tired... i really dun have any strength left for me to struggle n get out of this thing so wat i can do is just accept things which comes in my way.. i really dun haf the strength to fight back anymore even though i really hate wat i am going thru now...

whenever i am with my fren, i just cant conc n enjoy my time with em.. my mind will be filled with other troubles of mine & its really slowly devouring me up... i am losing myself & i cant do anything to stop it.. i felt so helpless.... billy ask me to return the old weiting back to him.... the one who knows wat she wants, the one who is fun-loving, the one who dun gif a damn about others opinion but hang on to wat she believe in.... i promise him that i will find her back in e shortest time possible but seriously, i dun haf the confidence to do so.... i dun believe in myself anymore....

in e past, i used to thk that i can settle most of the things myself, my frenz will thk that i am a very dependent person & is quite capable.... but now, i thk that i am a loser... total loser.... not only towards myself but also towards my frenz... if i am capable den i wont be troubled by the problems ard me now cause i would haf the ability to resolve everything but looking at how helpless i am now, it proves everything....

can i get back to the past & live the life i used to aft so much has happened?? i really dun haf the confidence to do it... to some extent, i dun even dare to go n thk about it.... my life has been in a mist of sadness & unhappiness ever since my exams were over... everything seems to go haywired ever since den.... is that the karma for me for falling for someone whom i shouldnt have?? well, thk all that has happened is sth which i have brought upon myself.... i always believe in this thing called retribution.. so now, i am just reaping wat i sow...