just came back from movie with billy & justin @ PS... was watching the show 'golden compass' & it just ended so abruptly... felt damn lost aft the show... must thx billy for sending me back home specially aft the show even though he need to rush down to meet his fren @ holland village.. really appreciate it & felt damn thankful towards him.. i will always rem all the things that my frenz has done for me during this rough patch of my life.. i really duno wat i will become if they were not ard me.....
just like wat i said earlier in my entries.. this yr is really the toughest time in my life.. i have never gone thru so much thing ever b4 & went thru so much things that i could not handle at all.. i really changed alot & lost my own self completely le.... why do i say that??
actually, long time back i already know tat i have lost myself due to the circumstances but i just duno to wat extent it has gone & i always tot that i can find it back.... just now, billy said sth to me... he said that i have changed.. i am not the decisive, self confidence & the weiting that knows wat she wants anymore... when i listened to wat he said, i realise that's really true.... i really duno wat i wan at tis pt of time.. there's just too much things for me to thk about & worry about that i duno wat should i be thinking & doing 1st....
i really to find my old self back but i find it to be damn difficult for me to do so..... i am really very tired... i really dun have any strength left for me to struggle n get out of this thing so wat i can do is just accept things which comes in my way.. i really dun haf the strength to fight back anymore even though i really hate wat i am going thru now...
whenever i am with my fren, i just cant conc n enjoy my time with em.. my mind will be filled with other troubles of mine & its really slowly devouring me up... i am losing myself & i cant do anything to stop it.. i felt so helpless.... billy ask me to return the old weiting back to him.... the one who knows wat she wants, the one who is fun-loving, the one who dun gif a damn about others opinion but hang on to wat she believe in.... i promise him that i will find her back in e shortest time possible but seriously, i dun haf the confidence to do so.... i dun believe in myself anymore....
in e past, i used to thk that i can settle most of the things myself, my frenz will thk that i am a very dependent person & is quite capable.... but now, i thk that i am a loser... total loser.... not only towards myself but also towards my frenz... if i am capable den i wont be troubled by the problems ard me now cause i would haf the ability to resolve everything but looking at how helpless i am now, it proves everything....
can i get back to the past & live the life i used to aft so much has happened?? i really dun haf the confidence to do it... to some extent, i dun even dare to go n thk about it.... my life has been in a mist of sadness & unhappiness ever since my exams were over... everything seems to go haywired ever since den.... is that the karma for me for falling for someone whom i shouldnt have?? well, thk all that has happened is sth which i have brought upon myself.... i always believe in this thing called retribution.. so now, i am just reaping wat i sow...
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