i am once again so DEMORALISED~~

yest i went study wif rouhui.. i am so motivated to study my econs lo....... but today, that lecturer demoralise me again.. her aim is to make us more confused lo.. only den she will be happy n is willing to let us off sia.. i haf never been so pek cek b4 lo.. argh~~~ wat's gonna happen to me if tis continues.... i need help super badly now....

met anna at clementi n came back together wif Lynn n her frenz.. they were going back to YJC for floorball.. came home n rest for an hr plus den went for my tuition le.. e session was quite alrite today.. rite aft that i went to e prata shop to wait for anna n guowei.. they both suggested to go for prata lo.. so i jux go along, its so near my house anyway...

anna is really in my shoe now lo.. she is jux going thru wat i went thru wif teck last time.. jux that mine is more extreme in some ways lo.. ( coz i am more stupid ba.. ) seeing her like that makes me thk of my past wif him n how i struggle in e r/s lo.. i can really understand how she is feeling now.. helpless should be the word ba.. but den, she is more lucky coz at least she knows his fren n can ask em their opinion.. for me, i am all alone lo..

the test results~~

i went to take a mind test n this is e results :

You tend to have mixed feelings about relationships. A part of you may want to have a close, loving relationship, but another part of you may be somewhat uncomfortable with commitment. It's also likely that you are afraid others will let you down or abandon you. Although you tend to be open to relationships, you may not easily reveal the true you, and potential partners are likely to be intrigued about discovering the person you are deep down.

31% of those who have taken our test share this style of attachment.

Your answers on our test show that when it comes to relationships you are still wrestling with some of your earliest attachment issues. While you may have resolved some issues, there is still room to grow and you have the potential to develop healthier relationship patterns.

to some extent, this test is so true sia.. i really hit e nail on my 'heart'.. argh~~~

i miss my blog~~

hee.. haven been updating for 3 days le.. coz too busy n my dad is using e comp yest lo.. so cant online.. let's start wif wat happen on fri..

anna came over to SIM.. hehe.. and that day was e graduation day for RMIT ppl.. it was really happening at e lobby there lo.. Lynn, Huiyuan n me were all busy looking at e food n our seniors.. haha.. some of em are quite gd looking lo.. hehe.. but so sad, they grad liao.. haiz.. no chance sia.. wahaha..

went to orchard wif anna straight aft sch.. go eat den shop ard lo.. not much things to do in orchard recently.. haiz.. abit sian of that place already lo.. den we went back to wlds for prata.. coz ms anna is craving for the LALA lo.. n we had a gals tok there at the prata place as usual.. haha..

by the time i came back home its already 12 liao.. super tired sia.. wanted to watch e SCV show at 130 one.. but aft finish writing the notes at 120, i am so beat liao lo.. cant even open my eyes for another min sia.. in e end haf to forsake my show.. argh~~ miss an episode sia..

Sat as per normal is our KTV day.. today zhiwei din join us for e ktv session.. so its only me, guowei n vicky.. haha.. Lam (Johnathan) came over to crash our session during his break.. me n vicky was impressed by him singing the Xu Zhi An song lo.. it's really nice.. but his Mo Ri Zi Lian which i pinned alot of hope on buang.. its very different as compared to e other day when he sing tis song.. erm.. mayb yest he din warmed up enuff la.. but nvm, i believe i will haf a chance to hear him sing it nicely again.. hehe..

aft the ktv i was supposed to haf my dinner wif vicky one.. but her bf wanted her to join him for his family dinner.. so i am along~~~ actually tot of asking Teck out for dinner one but.......... no courage la.. mayb its still not time for us to meet yet coz..... my mood will still get influenced by him lo.. actually i felt abit down yest aft smsing wif him for e whole day.. argh~~~ wat is tis.....

so i tot of joining gan they all for dinner wif their frenz.... i muz really apologise to guowei here lo.. sorry for making u sia suay yest sia.. haha.. i am such a clumsy, blur n jia lat 'gf'.. haha.. pai sei pai sei.. make u bear wif those shit which u shouldnt be bearing.. it was all gan's fault la.. came up wif that stupid idea.. haha.. ( thk aft seeing tis gan will kill me in sch sia..)

today is my STUDY day.. me n rouhui went to e National Library.. it was such a disappointment lo.. we cant bring our bags n NOTES into the reference book level lo.. bags i can understand la. but NOTES.. wat is tis lo... really sian sia.. in e end we walked to PS n study at Starbucks.. today i studies Econs.. it is progresing well & i am once motivated again liao.. haha.. study until 4 den we left le.. i went to meet anna ay amk for pool wif her fren while rouhui went back home to prepare for a nite out at the sailing club.. argh~~ so envy sia.. hey gal, muz grab the chance n "FISH".. wahaha..

i super long never play pool liao lo.. really disgrace myself at the pool centrre today.. throw face ah.. haha.. play until 630 den we went back to cwp le.. finally had my 1st proper meal of e day.. e whole day i only eat a bread lo.. no time to eat n nth to eat in e morning..

the thing that u cannot get in ur life

will always be the best..

為什麼人總在失去以後

才知道珍惜..

e feeling of straightening ur tots out is so gd~~

yeah~~ i finally straighten my thoughts liao.. i haf never felt so gd n relief b4 for more den half a yr le... i am so happy now.. haha.. n e amazing thing is that i straighten my tots while on my way home today..

for e past few mths b4 i broke up wif teck till i broke up to him.. i haf been feeling so miserable lo.. even aft i broke up wif him le.. my heart still feel damn hurt n i jux cant let go lo.. keep on indulging myself in clubbing n numbing myself.. haiz.. it was really the lowest pt in my life la.. but now, i am back again.. wahaha..

come to thk of it, our r/s wasn't that bad oso ma.. at least we really love each other alot b4 n there were some really beautiful n sweet memories lo.. i should be grateful lo.. coz i haf all those memories n no one can take that away from me no matter wat.. Mc's word came to my mind again today.. he say to me " falling in love and be loved is e best thing that can happen to anyone.." today i finally understand it n agree to that totally..... its so slow of me rite.. only understand it now.. haha.. ( MC, pai seh har, i took so long to understand ur words... but i am really grateful la.. hee. thx....)

i sms teck today.. although we cant be lovers anymore, we are still frenz ma.. and i thk i should not run away from tis anymore.. facing the problem is e only way to solve to problem.. guess i am prepared to see n meet him as a fren le.. its time to really let go liao lo.. no pt brooding over n regret over a past r/s.. in fact we should look forward to the next one.. haha..

dun worry guys, i am not very against r/s now liao.. i wont go n do stupid things to numb myself again.. hehe.. but at tis moment i am still the chairman of the club..... so guowei, dun be happy so soon k? wahaha.....

i finish my PBF assignment~~~

wa.. its such a big accomplishment lo.. haha.. i took ard, let me see... 3 hours to finish one qns sia.. haha.. ok la.. i admit i din concn while doing it.. i still gt chat wif my frenz n surf e net while working on it.. hehe..

woke up at 1030 today ah.. haha.. feel damn man zu lo.. e weather this couple of days is really gd for slping la.. den i slp quite late, ard 230 yest ma.. so not very guo fen oso lo.. hehe.. actually wanted to go civic centre to get my bank draft and study one but e weather made me super lazy lo.. in e end i din step out of my house today.. hehe.. but den i gt help out in e household chores lo.. see i am so nice.. :) but no need praise me or else i will shy one.. wahaha...

thk u all buay tahan liao rite.. okok.. i will TRY to be modest.. wanna study econs today one, but den i feel really demoralised by my lecturer yest lo.. den super no mood to study ah.. cham liao la.. if this continues, i will not get my 1st class honours lo.. thk i beta go crash ppl's lect n see which lecturer is beta.. haiz...

life is really so sian for me now.. really looking forward to my term break.. n there is a bad news..... i cant go KL liao la.. miss ah ma's term break is 1 wk later den me lo.. so....... i cant go shopping liao.. so sadded.. argh~~~ oh ya.. i am looking forward to going to sentosa sia.. esp wif the vball gang.. really very long never go wif em liao.. sort of miss the days we went to sentosa almost twice a mth lo.. haiz.. those were e days.. hehe..

yang quick quick organise one on one of tis sat den weng can come join us.. hehe..

i haf made up my mind~~

yesh~~ i haf decided.... to stay on n be e chairman of my 'single but can flirt' club.. pai sei har guowei, u cant take over n be e chairman any sooner haha.. continue to be a trainer ba.. hee.. we will work hard together to expand our club n train our member to be a great player k? Jia You!!!

i am feeling so bad now~~

woke up at 1130 today.. n e weather is cloudy n grey.. jux like how i am feeling deep inside of me.. been having mixed feelings recently, if tis kps going on thk i sooner or later will turn crazy ah.. haha..

din go study wif zhiwei today.. he pang se me again.. argh~~ i din study in e afternoon, no mood to study or do anything at all.. ti bu qi jing lei.. so i jux went to take a 2 hr nap.. aft e nap, i feel much beta le but still gloomy la.. help my mum cook e sphegetti n finally eat my 1st complete meal today.. hee.. so u all know y i am so skinny liao ba..

i finally pluck up my courage to call him.. been having misunderstanding n stuffs la n i thk its beta to clarify things rather den let things hang in e air lo.. or else i will feel very xin ku la.. we had a short tok over e phone.. although din tok much n i din say everything i wanna say but den at least i am clear abt sth lo.. its beta den knowing nth at all.. guess we jux meet each other at e wrong timing lo.. he is really a nice guy la n i feel quite stupid to 'push' him away lo.. haiz.. n i oso feel guilty for making him so demoralise.. i am such a baddie lo.. argh~~

i enjoyed myself so much today~~

now i am waiting for my hair to dry.. jux came back from my clubbing session.. so meanwhile decide to come online n blog.. haha.. coz i scare tml i will forget abt some details or things liao.. hee..

yeah.. really enjoyed myself alot today lo.. hee.. went to ktv wif guowei, vicky n zhiwei.. i am so excited abt it.. coz really very long never go sing ktv wif zhiwei liao den i oso wanna intro him to guowei they all la.. so there will be new blood in e ktv gang.. haha..

met guowei at admiralty stn n went down together.. intend to go cuppage sing one but den coz guowei, our coordinator din book e place so there is no more rooms for us le.. in e end we went to cine kbox.. e ktv session was both fun n amazing.. haha.. vicky really make my day lo.. she is always so fun to be wif.. n zhiwei mesmerise us wif his singing again.. haha.. thk he din fail in doing that to me b4 lo.. haha..

aft e ktv, guowei left us shortly le.. so we jux walked ard n ended up back in cine to haf our dinner wif kennie.. we walked ard orchard n i met andy who is going to chinablack for e party lo.. wow, really tempted me to go there lo.. argh~~ we went to gallery hotel at 10 lo.. n e club is not open yet!! waited outside for more den 45 min b4 we started queuing.. hee.. anna n waiteng came to find us at e place.. so happy they came lo, really miss clubbing wif em.. den edward n philip oso came to join us.. they are my senior in sec sch n were invited by anna to come..

e place is quite nice but abit too small la.. n i muz tell u all, vicky really can dance damn well lo.. i am so impressed n attracted by her.. ( even me like that liao.. thk e guys there~~ hee) dun dare to dance beside her ah.. such a big difference lo.. haha.. erm.. muz apologise to zhiwei for spoiling ur market.. haha.. if i am not dancing wif u den i bet gals will come to know u lo.. BUT... even when dancing wif me, a GUY came over n get his no...... yes, its a GUY... so demoralising lo.. a guy wanted his no. n not MINE.. haiz.. i muz really jian tao jian tao liao..

we dance until 2 like that den went back le.. vicky was already downstairs waiting for us le.. hee.. muz really thx her super nice bf for sending me n anna back home.. really envy her alot lo.. hee.. gt such a nice n caring bf.. haha.. seeing em so loving i really had an urge to get into a r/s.. haha.. (fantasizing only la.. say wan will haf one meh.. ) but haiz, its hard to haf such a gd bf lei.. dun thk i am so lucky like her la.. hee..

wa.. my hair almost dry liao.. thk can go Zzzzz... gd nitez den.. hee.. *muackz*

i am back again~~

finally i am not having moodswing today le.. but his attitude really makes me quite upset n sian la.. no i should say damn upset lo.. i am trying my best to clarify everything but den he deprive me of e chance lo.. or should i say he din even gif me a chance lo.. :( so sadded.. haiz..

but i oso see n begin to take things at its stride le n not to be so si xin yan lo.. esp aft today, i thk should jux open up my options n look ard oso.. like wat yang n a few fren say, i should jux take my time n enjoy my single life ba.. if sth is meant to be it will lo.. if not den no pt hanging on n harping on it.. jux let nature takes it course ba.. no more expectation den there will not be any disappointment..

oh ya.. tml is my 10th week into singlehood.. haha.. time really flies sia, i haven seen him for more den 2 mth le.. sometimes will still wonder how is he getting along.. well, in a context of a fren n nth more la.. i haf no more hope for him le.. wat past is past le, i am not going to look back anymore coz that will only make me more miserable.. n tml my day is pack wif prog.. so happy..

haha.. gonna go clubbing wif vicky at liquidroom.. really looking forward to it lo, finally can unwind le.. been under some stress recently n i thk i really need a drk.. haha.. so tml i will drk till i drop.. wahaha.. ( gonna disgrace myself again liao) erm.. n in e afternoon there will be a ktv session again.. hee.. really super looking forward to tml.. thk it will gonna be very very fun.. well, really hope anna n waiteng can join me tml at e club.. haha.. i still rem our clubbing experience at chinablack.. it was damn funny.. hee... hope tml we can relive it again.. :)

i feel like closing myself up again~~~

aft a gd nite slp yest, i felt much beta n not so upset le.. mayb gals really haf pms ba.. haha.. they will jux haf moodswing.. but i never really encounter a moodswing like tis b4 lo.. erm.. mayb i am really becoming more n more feminine le.. that is y i gt moodswing.. wahaha.. being lame again la..

my msn nick today is --
a player n a clubber.. which one is me?? mayb its both~~

feeling demoralise liao lo.. everyone is like saying i am a clubber n player lo.. but i am not one lo.. so sadded.. haiz.. erm.. mayb i should try to become one ba.. since everyone thk that way le.. haha.. i really very lazy to go explain myself le.. so jux let it be ba.. hee..

i gt tis feeling of closing up myself n return back to e clubber me again.. ha.. i know alot of ppl is going to scold me liao rite?? argh~~ i oso duno lei.. i jux know that recently i tried to open up n break down e wall which i had built ard me.. it did goes on well at 1st but now i am feel demoralise again liao.. jia lat ah~~~

tot of having a gd chat wif him tonight but den my efforts is not being appreciated at all.. why i muz i go bang myself in e wall again? why muz i call him to make sure things are fine jux like how i always did to teck? why am i like reverting back to e old ways again? argh~~ tis is so sickening n is damn sickening.. argh~~~ why am i trying again when i am telling myself to close up? jux wat am i thking?? guess i should really close myself up n become e player again..

tis is my 3rd wk in sch le.. n life is fun n more lively as compared to last time lo.. for e past 1.5 yrs i had been living e life of an auntie lo.. not a teen.. now i feel so energized.. muz really enjoy my life now.. i dun wan to haf any regrets in e future lo..

argh~~

ya.. that's wat i am feeling now.. argh~~

why is everything becoming so real now.. super jia lat lei.. i hate to go thk of it but i muz lo.. i hate to go n thk abt e possiblity of getting hurt again but den.... i muz.. no matter wat, there will be a chance of me getting hurt if i become serious again.. i am so scare lo.. i really duno wat to do now.. i wan to be serious but e feeling of getting hurt is really too much for me to bear again.. i dun wan to cry every nite like how i used to lo.. wat should i do now.. can anyone enlighten me??

e past r/s really makes me very afraid of getting into one again.. e feeling of crying every nite is still so vivid lo.. n e wound..... haiz.. its so painful... even now, my heart can feel e pain n impact of it.. wif my current situation i really cant take another blow.. or else i am afraid i will not be able to get up again lo.. i really hope he can be e one who will heal my wound n make me forget abt e past but on e other hand, i am being haunted by e past experience.. haiz.. jux wat i wan sia... e only thing i know now is, i am really feeling very vulnerable..

wow.. i need to unwind.. hee..

wow.. its really amazing lo.. i had been revising my notes for e past few days.. jux like how i studied for my A's in e past.. hee.. but now i only start sch for like 2 wks only lo.. haha.. wonder how i will survive if exam is coming.. haha.. thk i will be super super stressed lo..

today actually wanted to go 2 e arts bash at momo wif anna one.. but my mum told me if wan to play go on weekend lo.. well, her word is quite true la.. weekday is meant for study one.. haha.. but i really feel like clubbing so much sia.. dun worry guys~~ tis time round, my mentality is diff le.. not to numb myself anymore but jux to unwind la.. hee.. i am slowly recovering le.. haiz.. time is really e best healer in e world for r/s.. n i thk its e only healer oso ba.. haha.. now, i dun feel as hurt n sad as b4 le.. but at times, i will still feel very extreme towards r/s lei.. die sia.. haha.. if i continue to be like tis thk i really gonna be a nun liao la.. haha..

i am so so confused now~~

yes i am really confused now.. because someone came into my life n touched my heart.. i never tot that will ever happen to me again ever since i broke up wif Teck.. aft i broke up wif him, i had been going thru a super bad times lo.. i dun believe in r/s, in guys.. i jux thk tat they are all jerks n bastards who is here to hurt gals.. n i jux wan to play ard w/o getting into a serious r/s..

but rite now, i am not sure whether i am still thinking e same way anymore ma.. i can jux say he really wavered me alot lo.. n its scary coz i only know him for 4 wks?? its really amazing lo.. wat is happening to me?? wat he did yest really surprised me n makes me realise how serious he is lo.. all along, i had been thking its all a joke n stuff n jux take thing as it comes lo.. but yest.. well, i feel touched.. n i beginning to take things seriously le..

he makes me thk of reverting back to e 'weiting' in e past.. e one who is believes in love n giving in.. but on e other hand, i am really scared of getting hurt once more lo.. i really cant take another blow or watever again liao lo.. can u all understand how i feel? argh~~ n he is really quite a nice guy lo.. i am so scare of hurting him oso.. coz i know i wont be as nice to him like how i treat Teck in e past lo.. contraditing ritE? i thk so too lo.. or else i wont be so so confused now.. AH~~~~~~

finally i decide to test water n take a 1st step forward today by trying to do sth nice, but b4 i can do that it buang.. haiz.. really demoralised me alot alot lo.. ha.. makes me feel that whether i try doing or jux heck care, e results will still be e same.. haiz.. mayb it really need time la..

i am so full now~~

jux came back from supper wif anna n guowei.. haha.. feeling damn full now, though i jux ate a mushroom cheeze prata n some lala.. hehe.. that poor guy is now walking home coz no bus le.. felt quite guilty now lo.. :(

went to e RELC building to pay e 45pound.. it is jux next to shanga ri la hotel lo.. where HE used to work.. whild walking there gt thk of him abit la.. haha.. lame rite.. actually i had been thking that should we meet up soon? like wat fatty neo said to me, being frenz still is beta lo.. den i oso thk abt it la, mayb aft i meet him n sort things out or as a fren le den i will feel much beta n can really move on ba.. i duno lei.. haha.. jux wait n see whether he will ask me out again.. yest i was shocked by a news, fatty neo n xiaohui broke up le.. 5 yrs r/s lei.. felt so ke xi lo.. so saddening sia.. argh~~ make me lose faith in r/s once again.. wat should i do sia.. i dun wan to be a loner all my life lo.. but i am so scare abt falling in love once again.. plz.. can anyone save me???

went to eat porridge at Fei Cui wif my mum at orchard den aft that i bought a pair of shoes coz e one i am wearing is KILLING me.... haha.. den we went to Sincere, a watch shop.. the watch there is not only expensive lo.. its SUPER expensive.. i saw one 'CRAZY HOUR' by Franke Muller.. ( hope i get e name rite) it is damn nice n special n the price is oso damn nice lo.. more den 50K.. haha.. but its really a very beautiful watch la.. haha..

den i came home n study or should i say re-read some of my notes again.. i plan everything liao.. from mon to fri, i will be a nerd who conc only on studies but from sat to sun i will be a crazy gal who will play like siao.. wahaha.. need to unwind ma.. felt like clubbing tis sat.. hee.. anyone interested plz tag on my blog.. haha..

1st day of school~~

ya.. today was my 1st day going back to sch again aft more den 1.5 yrs.. e feelings was weird lo.. been depressed since last nite liao.. very long never go back to study liao lo.. den now haf to start all over again.. knowing frenz n stuffs.. makes me damn sian la.. den i super scare i will be a loner in sch lo..

slp at 2 yest.. chatted wif johnathan for 2 hrs on e phone.. tok abt quite alot of things.. erm.. realised wat he said abt me is true.. i am jux trying to numb myself when i go clubbing.. actually i know abt that truth myself oso.. jux that i dun wan to face it only.. feeling so tired abt everything suddenly.. argh~~ jux wat i wan sia.. y life is like that for me???

got to know 3 gals in e lect today.. they are quite frenly n 2 of em are my juniors from jj.. haha.. such a small world.. e lecture was boring lo.. in a sense that e lecturer like to murmur to himself lo.. i had been trying my best to listen to him but i jux cant catch anything~~~ heng he only teach me one lect sia.. or else i sure gone case liao.. met my mum at je n went back together.. she was knitting at jec ma.. hao ge~~ sorry lei, keep pang sei u.. gonna rush for tuition tat's y din wait for u.. sorry sorry..

damn shagged lo.. felt so tired n was like dragging my feet 2 my students house lo.. after tuition still cant rest coz gotta revise my notes.. but i only managed to revise my prep POA notes.. it took me hours lo.. aft that i am damn sian n tired liao.. that's y i am here updating my blog.. haha.. quite alot of happening things happened tis 2 dayw but i gt no time to update.. for ur info i went to sentosa n ktv yest.. haha.. but i dun look really black la.. coz i kp on siam e sun.. wahaha..