goint tml genting wif my parents tml le.. not feeling the least excited abt the trip at all... the place bear too much memories le... everywhere i go i will be reminded of our times there, there's no place for me to eescape.. the worse part is i haf to take it all alone, wif no shoulder, frenz or watsoever to depend on.. not even my blog....

mayb in the 1st place i did wrongly le.. i shouldnt go wif em for the trip, the memories that i wan in e 1st place is actually the one tat is hurting me the most now.. taking the same road, going to the same place & doing the same thing but the feelings are so different now.. from happiness to loneliness... wat a big contrast.... i know i will go back to all the places where we went b4 during my trip alone tis time round.. guess u guys muz be thking since all tis things will make u feel bad n upset, why will u wan to go thru it?? well, thk tat's human beings ba.. they like to feel the pain.. its e only thing tat i can do to tell me tat, things really did happened & i really do exist in tis world...

i know things will surely change tis time round... in fact i thk its already changing now le... i duno its him or me.. i duno i am or he is changing because of the circumstances which forces us to change or because both of us has had enough... well, sometimes in life, u jux cant find an ans to a qns cause knowing the truth might not be a gd thing.. but come to thk of it, wo yi jing zhuan dao le.. cause things should haf changed a mth back... at least i gt earn a mth le ah.. hehe..

like wat he said during the call jux now... i should use tis trip to find myself back.. i really duno wat i am doing tis days & i felt like a zombie now.. while on the train listening to the mp3, i tried to make myself thk but i cant.. nearly cried but forced the tears back.. alighted at marsiling & want to walk home but in e end, i found myself walking to the park nearby instead... while walking ard the park, i realise tat there are tears on my cheek... found a seat & started stoning there.. really nth goes in & come out of my mind at all.. its like BLANK w/o anything.. den i found tat i am not feeling anything also... no sadness, no emptiness, no nth... i jux walked home like tat as if nth has happened.... wats all tis!!! theres no logic behind all those things tat i haf done at all....

even at tis pt now, i dun feel anything.. haf i gone back to the stage when i am void of any feelings again?? haf i built up the defense already?? or mayb i am jux too tired to feel anything now le, its jux tat i haven realise it only.. well, i really duno.. tat's y i thk the genting trip might not be a bad thing aft all.. change of environment & time alone, with no one able to reach me...

jux finish chatting wif him online.. actually i no need to go to genting to know whether i am really void of feelings or not cause i can feel the........... all the things started because of selfishness.. if it werent for me, he wont be feeling those unneccessary feelings also... me feeling upset is because i brought it upon myself, no need to feel sorry towards but as for him, its because i brought it upon him.....

i will try my best to fulfil all those promises i made which is within my limits to him cause i know very clearly how its like to be when someone break the promise they made to u... i hate tis feeling totally & i dun wan to cause it on others too.. tis vicious cycle should not continue...

i will try n see whether i can come online at genting or not.. so u guys need to get me, jux type at my msn ba...