finally feeling much beta now le~~

really feel much beta today le.. but yest, i cried again.. mayb due to wat i heard from some guy fren.. they share wif me some guys pt of view in a r/s n that made me thought of him.. jux feel sadded suddenly n cried lo..

din really thk of him so much liao.. mayb i really wake up tis time le.. i muz move on lo.. he had already move on for so long le, i muz not stay on e same spot lo.. i believe that i can do it one..

today nth much happen lo.. jux slacked at home.. really looking forward to tml n sun.. can go out n wont anyhow thk at home lo.. tis few days stayed at home until i sian n felt useless lo.. i muz really get out n unwind.. i feel like CLUBBING.. anyone interested to go plz tag my blog.. haha..

i really wan to thx some of my frenz for building back my confidence.. aft e break up wif him, i felt so down n really lost confidence in myself lo.. thx for lying to me by saying i am attractive n pretty.. wahaha.. that really helps alot.. so i dun mind u all continue saying that to me.. haha.. coz it really make my day.. hee..

i am going to try for e new paper new face thing but i dun haf any nice pic.. the deadline is on e 5th of july lo.. cham ah.. so muz pray hard for me ah.. hee..

plz pray that he will not contact me..

yes.. i am praying deep down inside that he will not contact me.. i dun wan to be wavered again.. i am trying to forget him n slowly let my hope for him disappear.. so now, i really hope that he will not come into my life n disrupt my plan again..

i finally wake up le.. i finally accept that he really mean wat he say.. he will not come n find me unless its necessary n he will not ask for a patch no matter wat one.. i am believing his word more n more.. the truth of him not going to ask me back is becoming more real although it had been real all e time, jux that i am jux hanging on n believe that he will change for my sake.. i heard someone say b4, the most stupid thing a gal believe in a r/s is she believe that the guy will change for her sake because he loves her.. now, i agree to tis sentence.. guys will never change one 4 gals one, they will only change for themself..

i thk i need time to recover now.. mayb time is really the best healer in the world for r/s.. erm.. let's hope nxt time scientist will invent a potion that will make us forget our unhappiness when we are out of love.. hee..

now i jux wan to fulfil my dream as a model n air stewardess.. its time for me to thk of myself n not him anymore le.. over e past yrs, my life was all abt him.. now its time to stop le.. although its hard but i will try my best to adapt.. life is not a bed of roses, but i believe i will find my bed of roses soon..

thx guys..

jux came back from a long 'vacation' yest.... went to the chalet wif qi they all.. quite happy coz at least for that few days i can run away from the reality.. tis few wks, alot of bad things keep on happening to me.. i am on the verge of breaking down le.. if not for this chalet n having my frenz by my side, i thk i will really xiang bu kai lo..

i wan to cry my heart out n get myself drunk during the chalet one.. but i jux duno how to go abt it lo.. i had never cry in front of any of my frenz except him.. i had never cry to anyone beside him so i really duno how.. end up, i din get drunk n cry like i wanted to even though i felt really upset n hurt by him once again..

i finally replied to his sms but i regretted msging him.. coz it only make myself upset once again.. it only made me place hope on him once again, which is a very stupid thing to do on my part.. once again, his action made me realised n confirmed that i am a nobody to him anymore.. in his heart, i no longer had a place anymore.. why am i so stupid to gif him a chance to hurt me again n again..

on sun nite, i really felt like making myself drunk, but i dun haf e courage.. i scare i will cry in front of qi they all.. i dun wish to bother em n made em worried abt me again le.. i had been feeling very bad for bothering my frenz wif all my troubles recently le.. so sorry guys..

when e chalet ended yest, i felt empty once more.. i know i haf to come back to e reality n face wat i had to face.. i had to face the fact i am rejected admission to the uni, face the fact that i broke up wif him and oso the fact that i am no longer the impt person i once was in his life anymore.. ( mayb all along, i am not an impt person to him at all ) now, i can only tell myself that it is impossible anymore n move on.. i wish that he will not contact me anymore, coz i am really scare that i will be wavered n haf hope for him again..

i really wan to thx my fren for supporting me, lending me a listening ear n not finding me a nuisance tis few wks.. i haf been bothering u all wif all my pros.. sorry lei.. w/o u all i wont be able to come so far lo.. there is one person whom i really muz thx one.. his name is MC.. thx for lending me a listening ear all tis yrs n giving me advices.. u are really v nice n swt to me.. u are probably the nicest guy who treat me in tis world other den my dad le.. even him, doesnt treat me so well like u did.. thx for everything that u haf done for me.. i am sorry for hurting u.. really really sorry.. i dun mean it one..

i am such a failure~~~

yes, i feel like a failure now.. n i really regretted for not studying during my A-level n indulged in r/s instead... jux like playing chess, u jux only need to make 1 mistake n that's the end of u.. now i finally understand wat it means already.. jux 1 wrong decision n ur whole future is ruin...

i really duno wat to say n do now.. i am in nowhere now.. i felt so lonely lo.. i felt so stupid.. esp aft how he treats me recently, i really thk that all my sacrifices for him is for nth lo.. argh..... really feel like dying now.........

den he sms me again.. asking me whether we are still fren anot yest.. i din reply him on sun when he sms me that.. now i oso duno wan to reply him or not.. i duno he sms me bcoz he do care for me or bcoz he is jux feeling guilty towards me.. i felt like asking him does it matter now? but i din coz i know sms him that n he will not reply me.. so its quite redundant to sms him oso lo.. for now, i jux know that he had hurt me real deep lo.. n he knows that lo.. so y he bother to sms me again?? he already can dun love me in jux a wk time le, y should he still care? mayb u all will thk that bcoz he really treasures me as a fren coz we started out as a fren.. haiz.. i oso duno lei.. i jux feel that y should he bother to sms me lo.. can anyone gif me e possibilty y he did that??

i am so confused now.. i felt like confronting him or ask him y he bother to sms me aft wat he said to me? but i know he wont reply one lo so i dun bother to reply him.. aft all tis yrs, i know that no matter wat i ask him, he will not ans one lo.. so now, wif this type of thking n experience, i jux dun wan to ask anymore lo coz i thk its jux a waste of my time.. u all can understand ma??

frankly speaking i dun haf any ans for e qns he asked, whether we are still fren or not? i really duno e ans lo.. i haf no ans myself oso.. at times, i jux feel like telling him i duno, esp aft how he treated me aft we break up.. but i din.. coz i thk that is even worse den not replying him lei..

leave everything behind n move on~~

it was our supposedly 20th mth anniversary today.. on 21st oct 2003, we started our r/s n our journey together.. it was a tue.. and today is oso a tue.....

i cried almost every nite from e day we broke up till now.. i jux could not accept that we had broken up le.. n e thing that made me most upset is that weeks ago, he was still e nice, loving n caring bf of mine.. but a few days back when we met, he was like a stranger n was really very cruel n heartless to me.... it really makes my heart chill again......

i had such alot of mixed feelings today.. although i went to jb wif my mum today, but my heart was some where else.. even in her presence, i will still thk abt him as today was really a very special day.. i thk abt every small details that we share over e yrs, esp those happy ones.. n how every mth he will sms me happy anni on our anni day but today i will not receive any sms from him..... deep down inside, i will still hope he will sms me today... but from how i understand him in tis aspect, i know he will never do that one.... everytime i thk abt him, tears will jux wan to force their way out of my eyes... n i will haf to try my best to force em back...

suddenly at one pt, i jux xiang tong le.. i muz move on.. breaking up wif him n him not loving me anymore is a fact that cant be changed le.. i haf to accept it n leave our r/s behind n move on.. there is no way to change anything at tis pt of time.. mayb its fate.. we started our r/s on a 21st tuesday nite n now i haf to 'end' it on a 21st tuesday nite oso.. let me use tis last few mins of today 2 thk of him n our r/s 4 e last time.. from tml onwards, everything regarding our r/s will become a past n i will jux leave tis beautiful memory inside my heart....

my heart is completely dead~~~`

i met him today... aft we broke off from last sat, tis was e 1st time we met face to face.. i am in such a dilemma, i am anticipating to see him but i am scare... mayb its too early for us to meet up lo... i tot so highly of myself, thking that i am completely fine n got over him le... but i am not lo... e moment i saw him, i felt so weird... i jux cant be myself in front of him...

when i had chance alone wif him, i asked him some qns n wish to clarify my doubts.. i asked him whether he will contact me at all if i din make e 1st move? he said he is busy n unless its necessary, he will not contact me at all..

so i asked him whether he gt thk of me in any way or miss me.. he said alittle bit.. n there is actually alot more things lo.. but i thk now write here oso no pt le.. but e most impt thing is the qns i asked him that make me completely si xin... make me know that it is e time to gif up completely n not hope for anything anymore..

i called n asked him whether he still love me after he went off.. although i told him the ans is either yes or no, he said duno for alot of times... until e end, he told me NO, he dun love me anymore.. my heart is completely crashed n tis time round, i really si xin le.. its barely a week since we broke up n he already dun love me anymore.. he is already fine n ok le.. i felt that i am like nth to him n means nth to him.. to him our nearly 20 mth r/s is not worth anything at all... i felt i am so stupid as to believe n hope that he will ask me back or cant bear to leave me.. i am so stupid.. really so stupid lo.. he cant jux live on n treat me as a fren only but i jux cant lo... y am i so weak?? all my frenz told me to move on n dun contact me anymore but i jux cant do it.. y am i so xin ruan??

tis time round, thk i am really si xin le.. i will not contact him or make e 1st move anymore.. at tis moment i jux dun wan to haf any dealing wif him at all.. mayb tis way i will heal n recover faster.. i need a shoulder for me to cry my hearts out.. i jux need a gd cry n i thk i will be ok le.. so any kind soul, plz lend me a shoulder at e chalet k?? let me drk oso, dun stop me.. jux t/c of me when i am drunk.. hee..

i am so busy n tired~~

ya.. now i am like draggin my hand on the keyboard from one key to the other.. really very tired ah..

it was busy at the booth today n they told me tml will be even worse.. i am like a floating ard today.. go everywhere to demo the phone, dun haf a exact spots at all.. like that oso not bad la, at least can see more ppl n know more things.. well, met alot of executives from all over the world today.. really fun lo.. jux that the long standing n stuff is tiring me out..

today i know my exhibition fren more.. they are really fun loving n cute.. hee.. but the exhibtion is ending soon le.. thk i will gonna miss tis experience.. den i muz really thx our wonderful 'caretaker' Leon.. hee.. he is a very nice guy n take really gd care of us.. n he bought us breakfast today n a few other times over the past few days.. really grateful to him..

today is e 4th i am working for the exhibition and oso the 4th day i broke up wif him.. he never contacted me n asked abt me aft we broke up.. i had expected that already, know him really too well le.. mayb he oso never understand so well abt himself like i do.. although i told myself to move on n not thk abt him anymore, i cant lei.. during the break time at work when i was alone, i haf such a strong urge to gif him a call lo.. in e end, i din.. i 'suppress' the urge coz i really dun wan to be e one giving in again.. i dun wan to make myself feel so 'cheap' again.. can someone plz help me??

only when i am busy wif stuffs n frenz i wont thk abt him.. but whenever i am alone, i jux feel so helpless coz i cant control my mind n heart at all.. den at times, i still feel we are together lo.. i like still cant accept that we had broke up le n oso the fact that he can be so XIAO SA.. or should i say heartless cos he din contact me at all.. felt so lost.. now Elva Hsiao song, Zui Shou Xi De Mo Shen Ren suits wat i am going thru rite now.. he is really the most familiar stranger now..

such a scary encounter~~

ya.. it was damn damn scary, i tot i am going to become blind..

yest coz of e break up thing, i cried n cried for more den 2 hours lo.. when i am lying down n prepared to slp at 2 am that time, my eyes became swollen n very itchy.. so i rubbed it n suddenly felt sth was wrong wif my eyes.. it felt weird.. so i went to e mirror n to my horror, i saw sth transparent had shifted out of place in my eyes.. it is like a contact lens but i am not wearing any lo.. n i tot it is my cornea.. i run to my mum who was not asleep yet n she was as frightened as me..

i tot i muz go for laser correction in the hospital liao.. den we woke my dad up.. n i am still trying 2 salvage the situation using my bare hand.. unbelievable rite? juz as i was abt to go to the hospital, my mum called my aunt n she said she had e same encounter b4.. she told me to put on some eye drop n rest den will be fine tml morning liao.. so i did as she said..

tis morning, when i woke up, i cant open my eyes at all lo.. i tot this time jia lat liao la.. sure become blind le but.... actually was due to the dried up eye drop that cause my eyes to react this way...

i was really a relief lo, but this couple of days i will not be wearing my lens.. n i told myself not 2 cry over the issue anymore coz i scare wat happened yest will happen again.. so tis is oso a gd chance for me to move on n not thk abt it anymore.. btw, i really wan to thx all my frenz who had shown me support n made me felt that i am not lonely at all.. thx 2 be there 4 me..

when it is time to let go, u muz jux let it go.. now, the time has come

ya.. its time to let go le.. & i haf let go of it le......

1st time out of love.. 1st time feeling so devastated.. everything is 1st time coz he was my 1st love.. e 1st guy whom i haf fallen so deep n hard for.. e 1st guy who taught me how to love n wat is e feeling of being love.. but he was oso e 1st guy who hurt me deeply n the most......

today was the last day as his gf and calling him dear.. from tml onwards, the title of his gf will not be mine anymore.. i will be jux a fren to him from now on.. i never regretted being wif him.. He is the 1st person who taught me wat love is and loved me.. I will never forget him & how we 1st kissed.. never ever will i forget it..

he was really cold to me today.. his tone, his attitude, suddenly i felt that he was a stranger to me.. he was not e same guy whom i have known for 3 yrs n been together for more den 19mths.. my heart really froze when i heard his voice.. i can only felt coldness in his icy tone.. his indifference to my feelings & how he rejected to meet me no matter how i beg him made me felt for e 1st time that i am beta off dead now..

i had always put down my pride down as a gal n went to his house whenever he dun wan to meet me aft a cold war.. he was not e typical guy who will pacify his gf when she was angry.. instead his gf had to call him n like beg him to apologise to her.. i forsake my pride everytime.. finally today, i thk it was time for me to preserve my pride for the last time.. i din went to meet him at his house as promised.. i called him on e phone n initiate sth which i leave it for fate to decide yest.. it was oso e reason why i wanted to meet him as i thk sorting n settle it face to face is beta..

he din even ask why and jux agree to it.. actually from e way he talked to me earlier on, i already knew wat was in his mind le.. he was thking abt it too.. we ended our 19mths r/s in a conversation that lasted only 2 min at most.. that is how worthless our r/s was...

i am really tired liao.. really really tired le.. tired of all e asking i haf to make, the waiting, the crying, the feeling of disappointment everytime he din fulfil his promise.. all this feelings is really too much for me.. its weighing on me n i cant breathe.. i need a long break.. and i will need a long time to recover.. wish me gd luck k..

still feeling very vexed..

ok.. i juz read tze weng's blog.. saw the photos and wat he wrote.. the ice skating session seems fun to me lo.. should haf gone wif you all lo..

haiz.. my sentosa session wif him on sat turned out to be quite bad lo.. it was not sth i expected it to be.. i had wanted 2 go 2 those places i normally will not visit when i go wif yang they all.. like the merlion & the musical fountain lo.. but i din get to go there on that day.. I went to the beach lo.. haiz dun hiam la, at least i got to go there wif him..

we walked from palawan beach to the car park there & wait for the beach tram to siloso.. dun wan to walk all the way lo.. will die sia.. we went to the small island next to sunset bay & settled there.. we jux went into e sea n play lo.. den aft a while we went off 2 bath le.. coz he wanted to go meet his aunt so i had to forsake the musical fountain show at nite le..

we walked all the way from silosa back to palawan to bath lo.. i wanted to take pics wif him at e 2 towers there but he die die oso dun wan lo.. i juz wan to haf some pics to look back n as a memory lo but he oso dun wan to gif me.. i am really pissed off wif him lo.. jux a min of his time to take e pics and that is all i need lo.. so in the end we din take any photos at all.. NOT AT ALL lo..

super pissed ah.. den in e end i throw my temper lo.. i already compromise in going to meet his aunt & forsake the musical fountain show which i longed to see liao lo.. den y he cant compromise to me & take photos wif me.. felt pek cek lo.. but in e end, i oso forgive him aft he coax me.. but i told him that he owed me another trip 2 sentosa & oso the photos lo..

will it be beta if we become frenz??

looking at my title u probably will know wats going on my mind..

yang, i read wat u tag me.. its true that we shouldn expect too much from a r/s.. but its hard lo.. on ur mind u will thk tis way but ur heart thk otherwise.. AND in a r/s, we normally let our heart rule our mind.. thk that's human rite.. so contradicting and helpless coz they cant even control themself..

that's why now i haf tis thinking.. mayb if we become frenz it will be beta.. like tis i will not be expecting alot from him and get disappointed if he cant meet my expectation.. Den he will not be hard on himself anymore coz he will not have to accomodate me.. isit beta for e both of us?? i really duno.. wat i know now is, its really going to be a pity if i end tis r/s..

those who know me in my jc will know wat i am referring to.. its not easy for us to be together.. so i try my best not to end it coz in this world, which is so big n vast, its very hard to find someone whom u love n reciprocate your love.. i believe its fate that brought us together.. so isit oso fate now that we should part??

can anyone enlighten me??

why muz he gif me hope den dash it again..

ok boys & gals, i know i very long never post new blog le.. sorry la.. been busy & lazy 2 come online recently..

today i am very disappointed & upset by him.. those who know me will know who e HIM refers to.. let me update you wat happen..

he told me that he will be having block leave next wk & during that period he will fulfil his promise, which is to bring me 2 the places that we had always wanted to go but dun haf a chance.. this includes the zoo & sentosa.. but today he told me that his block leave will be pushed back by a wk, which will be e wk that i am working for the telecom hp exhibition..

so all the planning to go to the zoo had gone down the drain.. i duno this is the how many times we had cancelled the outing le.. he had always given me hope & telling me that we will go on a particular time but in the end, sth will pop up & that's it.. this time its the same lo.. he said that he cant find replacement coz his frenz dun wan to change the block leave wif him.. i know i cant blame him coz its not his fault lo..

But you will not know how disappointed i am lo.. this feelings is so terrible.. i haf been pinning high hopes all the time he told me about the outing.. but everytime i will get disappointed.. AND i mean EVERYTIME.. the feelings of disappointment will accumulate one lo.. i felt so helpless now.. i cant do anything to change it..

mayb u can say that i can dun work on that wk one ma, den everything can be settled liao lo.. but i had been turning down jobs to acc him all the time & partly because of his block leave next week, i turned down another job le.. haiz.. i oso duno wat to do now.. i really feels so helpless & vexed..

juz like my title, why muz he always gif me hope le den dash it again.. e feeling of being on the top den fell back down is so unbearing lo.. AND its even worse if you are experiencing it all the time.. & twice in a row in a wk......