my 'best fren', disappointment, found me today... i tot i haf 'hide' myself very carefully from it & haf already escape successfully from it le.. thk i am not doing a gd job in hiding ba... haven been feeling tat ever since 2 yrs back... jux like in e past, its still has a very big impact on me & i really hate tat feeling... i super duper hate tis feeling & i really mean it... its even worse den being angry or sad....

i am trying my best not to show it out but i am not gd at hiding my feelings either.. thk i am jux not gd at everything..

actually all along, i know tat its impossible for us to go on a trip ever again.. be it alone or wif others, the genting one will be the 1st & also the last one.. even when he agreed abt the redang one, i am quite skeptical abt will it really be ok & whether it will turn out to be true... but still, i go n check out abt the trip & stuffs... well, can only say i am jux trying to deceive myself n i can blame no one abt it... love really makes one become insensible n naive...

seriously, i understand his situation.. i know where he stand & i know where i stand also.. but i jux cant help & felt the disappointment when things really turned out like how i anticipate it to be.. its so ironic rite... yeah, it sure is... always telling myself that i shouldn expect anything & tot that i haf done tat but, still i felt e disappointment like how i used to feel when i was wif HIM... the feeling is so familiar.. tat's y i say 'it' came back to find me today...

during dinner, i know tat he is quite worried... i know tat i am part of the reason or worse, the whole reason behind how he is feeling at tat moment.. the atmosphere was abit weird... its making me worried also cause it might be our last time out today... things might changed aft today...

he said tat i am part of his worries cause i am fickle-minded.. today i might say tis, tml i might say another.. or worse, i changed within a few hrs... & i am always saying 'tis might be the last time lo, mayb there wont be a next time anymore'.. tis is because i dun feel secure at all..... at 1st i dun hope for anything & jux let things take it nature course cause i know one day he will SURE let go of me.. but he made me believe tat he wont.. i believed him & jux when i start to give out everything i would in a r/s, things changed... now, i am scared tat things will change once again b4 i prepared myself for it.. so now, i am always like on stand-by mode, always preparing for the worse when i sense sth... tat's y i kp saying that sentence cause its one way to protect myself & prepare for the worse... actually, i dun like to say tat sentence at all.... but i jux cant help it...

i really dun like to blog tis days.. cause whenever i blog i will hurt someone.. i hate tis la.... i know he is not feeling gd inside also & tis is making him feeling worse.. i can still use tis blog to vent my emotions n 'tok' to it but he can only kp everything to himself & take it alone.. i duno how he feels at tat pt n stuffs... i duno how hurt, upset or angry he is when he saw wat i wrote... tis is like so unfair to him... i am a bad person rite?? ya.. totally agreed w/o any qns.. on top of tat, i am also very inconsiderate.... argh~~~

haven been slacking for e past few days since the exams ended.. really enjot tis feeling of slacking n stoning at home all e time.. haven been doing tis for quite some time.. thk i will be doing tis for the next few days also.. dun wan to go n finda job 1st.. wanna get some rest cause i know once i find a job my life will be hectic once again..

pakced my notes cause i know tat i wont be using em.. den do abit of household chore.. very long never help out le.. its quite a meaningful day.. really like e feeling... hehe..

went to play MJ at lawrence's yishun house on sat nite.. its a very last min thingy.. at 1st feel very lazy to go out one cause was watching tis video 'Corner With Love' online.. but den they say they dun haf enough ppl so haf to go.. went to sembawang n meet him cause he need to go back to his house to get MJ set...

we started the game ard 11 plus den ended the game at 5 plus.. its only 2 round lo.. thk we took super long.. haha.. he called me when he arrived at s'pore.. was surprised tat he could call me the moment he reached.. muz say he really haf his ways n means.. hehe.. quite happy for him to know tat he scored quite well tis sem.. thk he wanted to tok to me but den i was playing MJ n he dun wanna disturb me so we kp e conversation quite short...

reached home at 630 n woke up by 11 plus le.. its always like tat.. if i slp ard 6 plus in e morn, i will always wake up by 12.. but den i felt quite energetic despite the only 4 hr slp... continue watching the video n slacking.. went to find him in e nite... i thk i really like to sort out my tots while i am travelling alone cause when i was on my way to find him.. i thk abt quite some stuff.. but once again, i din come up wif any conclusion.. mayb in life sth dun haf any conclusion n may doesnt even need one... wa's the pt of finding a conclusion for everything, sometimes it jux makes u feel sadder n wont help u in any way...

during tis period, sth did changed.. i haf become more independent.. in e past, i am always like relying on someone... but now, i know i can live like a 'loner'.. haha.. like how i used to be in e past.. i can do things happily on my own n wont find it weird if my phone din ring the whole day.. haf i built the wall w/o myself realising it? well, tat's one of the qn tat i dun haf an answer... i duno isit a wall or i am jux back to 'normal' b4 everything started...

quite happy to see him.. he din changed.. he is still e same.. although the time we spent together is really short, but its really enjoyable.. tis time round, when i see him i dun haf those 'se bu de' thingy lingering there.. in e past, there used to be some when i saw him cause i still feel ' bu gan yuan' abt the decision he made.. now, i can understand wat he is trying to say & i thk i can do wat he wans now also.. i duno whether tis change is gd or not.. reall duno.. i am forever changing, wat's diff is the pace of it.. sometimes it can be really fast while sometimes it take yrs.... tat's why they always say i am fickle-minded.. ha.. thk i really am... well, mayb tml i will change my perception again.. who knows??

finally finished my exams tis yr but not feel really as excited as i tot it would be... wanted to wake up at 4 to read thru e notes but in e end, only manage to pull myself out of the bed at 630.. the worse thing is study less den an hr i went back to bed again.. haha.. thk i am really a pig...

so decide to meet jean earlier at panjang mac to study.. felt damn slack but as the time gets closer to the time, i get more panic.... tis yr paper is damn damn difficult.. there goes my 1st class... sad case.. did 3 essay qns instead.. hope can make it.. aft the paper, i am damn seh once again.. all e way stone n duno wat i am doing n toking at all....

went to Sizzlers wif QC & jean to haf a mini celebration.. while walking there, all the shops are having sale... its GSS now.. felt damn tempting to buy things & i wanna buy alot of things... die.. thk muz really get a job soon.. by the time we reached there, i am abt to die from hunger.. damn hungry aft the paper... but den we din eat alot also.. thk tis is e after effect of being too hungry... i really love their salad bar there.. yummy yummy... hehe...

aft the sinful meal, we went to shop.. its GSS time, if din go walk ard, very dui bu qi zi ji lo... haha.. moreover we need to walk ard to digest our food also ma.. haha.. went to mphosis, zara n alot of shop but still cant find that dress i wanna buy.. damn sad.. argh~~~

he jux called from HK.. gt tis feelings tat he will call today.. is tat sth call telepathy?? hehe.. he fell sick le.. hope he will get well soon.. he will be back tml & nth seems to be changing on his side... as for mine, things seem to change alittle.. i am not too sure also.. its like i haf gone back to the past... thk my mind is not working today.. tml den go thk abt it ba.. since now i gt so much free time.. hehe..

actually while i was on e bus back, i am like thking abt alot of things but den, i am feeling nth... its really very weird, i duno how to say it.... i dun feel anything now.. isit because i am too tired from the paper today & is still stoning now or wat? or isit because i haven switched back to the mode of doing nth n being free?? now, my mind is in a blank.. i duno wat i wan & ya, i jux feel nth lo... thk i am becoming more n more like honours tan le... everything has become mono tone for me, even my feelings.. haha..

receive another call from him while i was watching the '200 pound beauty' online.. jux like yest nite call, it was really a surprise.. at 1st when the phone rang, i tot it might be from another fren of mine who had jux msg me sth that is not really gd... aft seeing that msg, i am a little affected... i really duno wat should i do to make him know tat at tis moment, we cant get back to the past frenship tat we once had.. i need time to 'find' our frenship, i lost it or should i say he lost it during the trip... even if we are able to find it, things changed... we wont be as close as b4... tat's one of the thing i always tell him in e past but he did it....

mayb its my fault also.. had a tok wif billy the other day & he told me tat i am prone to giving guys the wrong signal cause unlike other gals i am too frenly le.. so guys will normally get the wrong idea.. den he also said i am an extremist, if i am close to someone i can be really close but when i dun, i can jux like 'throw' him out of my life completely.. ha.. i muz admit, he is really my buddy.. when he says tat to me, i can only say i felt a 'bang'...

his call really calm me down n makes me feel beta even though it was a short one... he is trying to reassure me tat nth changed.. tat's the thing i needed the most.. i am jux like the insider in the Kyle model tat i studied for IM while he is the market maker... i need to take inference from him in order to decide wat i should do.... haha.. very funny rite.. can link tis to wat i studied.. thk i abit ' zhou huo ru mo' le... hehe...

jux checked my email & was really surprised to see his email b4 he left for HK... tell u guys sth, i dun checked my email frequently.. & tis frequently can mean more den half a yr.... so tis email can be left unseen even aft he comes back from HK if i din go & check today.....

was really surprised by his call yest nite... never expect he will call me cause he say he din bring his phone over.. was already on my way to 'la la land' when he called cause i am damn tired from the long & straining day... quite happy to hear from him & realise tat i do miss him.... in fact, i miss him very much.... b4 he called, the feeling of missing him is not as strong as e previous day le.. so i tot everything might die out eventually... tat's also the thing that i may afraid of.....

all along, i tot tis period might be a time when we might jux changed cause we cant contact each other & might realise tat it is not as painful as we tot to let everything go since we can still carry on living normally... esp when he is abroad n its a change of environment so things might not be as hard as we tot..... as for me, i might jux get used to not having him ard me or should i say deep inside me, i am scare tat he might change.... how should i say?? mayb in HK he might jux realise tat he can do w/o me, having me ard or not doesnt really matter to him anymore.. he might felt even happier cause all along, i am like his source of trouble....

so subconsciously, i am seeing tis as the period when couple break up & need to adapt back to when they are single.. i wan to minimise the pain n prepare myself for e worse scenario, at least in tis way, when things really happened i wont feel tat painful... am i jux thking too much n being too paranoid?? mayb..... well, i thk tis is jux a self-deceiving thingy.. haha... no matter wat, i thk i will still feel the pain if things really doesnt turn out as i wish & the intensity of it will be e same... so its really quite redundant for me to go n 'prepare' myself now.... so i shall leave it to destiny now.. dun wan to thk anymore....

feeling damn down cause of my stupid complexion now.. things are getting from bad to worse n its really affecting my mood.. i know its the exam stress tat causes the major breakout but den when isit going to end!!!! my exams is like ending in another 3 days but i thk my complexion wont get any better for e next few wks & tis is really really damn sickening... tis couple of days i am so pek cek abt it until i jux wan to stay at home n dun wan to go out at all... u can imagine how bad it is lo....



heard tis song when i was watching '200 pound beauty' wif jean, qc & billy.. it was a very nice n touching show.. i love the song in e movie.. although i duno wat it means but den its really very nice... to me, its sounds very touching & damn sad... mayb because i watched the show or mayb that's e way i feel now....

woohoo... finally my misery ended... the stupid IM tat caused me to haf outbreak like nobody business is finally over.. have been damn stressed by tis paper until my face become damn cui, figure also cui... haiz.. duno when will my face 'recover'... i wanna go for facial..... & its like damn soon.... see myself in e mirror i really feel like crying ah...

woke up at 5 tis morn.. haf to discipline myself cause there's no one to discipline me today.. studied until 7 den go out le.. was studying all e way on e train.. 1st time i studied so much.. normally, when i was on e way to expo, i dun study for my paper already but tis paper...... qc see me like tat he also know i super scare & stressed up...

the paper ended at 1.. me & billy went back to wlds where jean darling was already there waiting for us.. had my lunch 1st den went to the lib n pia again le.. quite surprised i still can study aft the paper... but ard 6 plus, i am wasted le.. cant conc n nth seems to go in so decide to leave n slack my day away...

wanted to go yang's place & play MJ one but den anna is not free today.. really super duper long never play MJ already... there's so much things i wanna do... cant wait for fri to come where i'll be a free bird... gonna find a job immediately aft tis.. realise i haven been working for quite some time le...

mayb going genting again in june.. tis time round is to acc my mum there.. guess its time to fulfil my part as a daughter le.. haven been acc her n talking to her tat much since april.. tis stupid exam is making me distance from my family & making myself damn unhealthy n damn cui.... argh~~~~~ quick quick end my misery....

its e 2nd day tat he is not ard.... wonder wat is he doing there... been thking abt the genting alot tis days.. although he had told me b4 tat dun go thk abt the past anymore but my mind is not listening to tat at all, it will jux drift to tat memories whenever it has a chance... sometimes i really wonder, mayb the genting trip is jux a dream i had tis days... everything seems so unreal & 'out of pt'...... me joining their grad trip when i am not in their fac & somemore having my paper a wk later seems so absurd... haha... when i thk of it now, i also cant believe i myself did tat.... its really crazy... somemore, things tat i never ever dreamt of actually happened there.... well, to some extent, it can be considered as a dream also cause it will only happened once...... there's no chance for me to continue it like how a dream works... i haf no control over it at all.....

having no mood to study at all.. feeling damn pek cek wif myself.. i really duno wat to dow if my paper tml.. there's not enuff paper to practise on cause its quite a new module den we really duno how will the format be like tis yr.. its really unpredictable n i dun like tis feeling... i am like practically memorising the whole SBG but i dun thk its of any help.. so wat if i memorise everything when i dun even know how to tackle the qns..

my mind is like damn saturated now... dun feel like touching my notes n SBG at all.. jux feel like relaxing n dun care abt anything now but i cant.. tml is my paper already.. argh... 1st time feeling so helpless n panic over a paper... i know i shouldn panic now as it wont help at all but...... haiz...

woke up at 8 cause need to go to a tender interview wif my dad at sentosa cove.. very very long never step into sentosa & tis time round, i am stepping into somewhere tat i haf never went b4.. its so diff.. all along i know there are bangalow n condo inside of sentosa but when u go in there its really damn diff... how i wish i own one of the bangalow there.. argh... den everyday i can jux relax by e beach n go for a stroll wif my love one there.. haha.. really dreaming...

aft that i went to great world n study there.. din msg him when i reached there cause i dun wan to disturb him... wanted to do alot of things for him cause i scare aft tis time round there wont be anymore chance le.. duno y, i believe tat things will change aft his trip to HK.. duno its him or its me... i scare when he is not ard, i will build up my walls unknowingly & let my rational endeavour my feelings towards him..... so i wan to do everything i can at tis pt of time for him when i still wan to n still can... so all along i kp thking tis might be our last meeting when we still haf feelings for each other....

but i did it again... i said things that hurt him once again... i am always doing tis, hurting the person tat i really care... shit me rite.. i even said he is selfish... thk tis is the 1st time tat i said sth so harsh to him... jux wat's wrong wif me.. y am i always making him angry & upset... hate myself... e last thing i wan is to disturb him n affect his mood at work but thk i did both today.. i am such a......... argh... duno how to describe oso...

studied there until 9 n he sent me back specially.. dun feel like letting go his hand, cause i scare i will haf no chance to hold onto it anymore.. i seriously duno wat will happen during tis few days.. weird rite, i myself duno how i will change.. actually deep inside of me, i am really scare that i myself will change cause i dun wish to.. i dun wan to tell him abt tat in e 1st place cause i wan him to enjoy his trip there but den..... i thk if i dun tell him how i feel, it will be unfair to him if i really change suddenly & b4 tat i already knew i might...

really enjoy his company n the journey back home... but he said he feel very fan looking at me... sad case... haha.. worse thing is he said i very FAT now n kp pinching my face... even sadder case... haha... dun care, i die die will n MUST slim down until my ideal weight within a mth.... by den, i will fulfil the dare he dare me... haha....

the 1st song from him & quite describe how i feel now.... well, mayb next time i will use songs to representwat i wan to write instead... btw the song is call 我不想忘记你...

was still feeling damn down n sian when i woke up tis morning.. i tot everything will be ok & i will be feeling fine aft an early rest but no... i took more den twice the time to walk from my place to e lib cause i wanna sort out my tots n wan to do it b4 i reach the lib cause i know if i dun, i wont be able to study there... in e end, i din manage to do tat... was sitting down there waiting for jean to come & staring into the notes... nth goes in at all.... feel damn xin ku...



my life is really damn drama.. sometimes i thk its too much for me... so much has happened within such a short time, b4 i can realise wats happening n switch to that mode, things changed again... things are changing too fast n i find it really hard to catch up wif it... at one pt, i find tat its so unfair cause he can know wats happening to me while i duno anything abt him... i dun like tis feeling.. its like a one-way traffic... i also dun wan to bother him too much cause i dun wan to annoy him....



he called in e end, am glad tat he did tat cause it makes me realise how silly n stupid i am... guess love will make someone stupid eventually.. no matter how hard i try not to revert back to my old silly self, i did it again... shit.. i was quite hostile at 1st... well, i dun mean it one... i really very pek cek abt why cant he tell me jux wat is wrong wif him & tell me how he feels.. isnt communication the best way out?? i wanna know wat i did exactly tat caused him to feel tat way so i know in e future, i will try not to do it....



i know tat entry the other day will sure haf some impact on him but i dun wish to lie abt anything or kp anything from him.. tat's y i blog.. contradiciting rite... yeah, it sure is... knowing tat wat i wrote will hurt someone n yet i did it.... really find trouble myself... serve me rite for feeling bad n pek cek... its my karma for hurting someone... now, i sure believe tat in life, there's really retribution.....



sort everything out aft that hr phone call... talk abt quite alot of stuffs... know wat he is exactly pek cek wif.... really glad tat he can tell me how he feel cause it really lift tat stone away... wanna thx him for being frank wif me during the conversation... i know it can be quite hard to say out ur inner feelings... :)



finally can sit down n conc... realise i start my revision for IM too early cause now, i cant rem a single thing.. trying hard to recap n find some familiar 'faces'... did find some but tis module is really too new & there's not much paper i can practise so i must study practically everything inside the SBG.... tat's so straining... only left wif another 3 more days to tat paper & mon i gt an interview in e afternoon... gonna waste like 2 hrs on it..... damn.... shouldnt be slacking tat past 3 days.... time is like running out....



well, no pt mourning over tat now... i'll make full use of watever i haf now to study everything n get everything rite.. tat's the spirit.... i wont let anything affect me for the next wk..... but den.... i am damn sleepy now... haha.. feel like slping now liao.....

i cant conc at all today.. damn pissed n pek cek wif myself.. i am letting my emotions ruling everything now... i jux cant keep my cool & conc.... my mind will be drifting, thking about wats happening instead.... i am losing it & tis is bad....

no matter wat happened, i'll always try my best to rationalise things out so tat eventually i'll be able to weigh n place my priority properly.... but now, esp today i cant...... jean saw everything.... she was there tis 2 wks n seeing how i haf changed... last wk, even though i was damn bothered n upset abt sth tat happened b/w me n a close frenz, i can still managed to kp my cool & study.... now, things are so diff....

wat he said & do makes a lot of difference to me.. are things changing w/o us noticing?? cause today his tone is like so diff from normal days & wat he said is like a sword tat pierce thru my heart..... pain, really very pain.... well, mayb i am jux too vulnerable n sensitive le.... it may jux be a casual remark on his side... guess mayb he oso duno wat he said n do has such a big impact on me... jux wanna say tat i really care abt how he feel n thk even now... i dun wan him to feel unhappy & upset over wat i did cause its never my intention to make him feel tat way when i do sth... sometimes i can be very insensitive abt my actions & words & hurt someone w/o me realising cause on my part, i thk tat wat i did are very normal & acceptable but it may not be tat case to others..

feel like going on a vacation aft my exams.. i need a break from alot of things... i need to go somewhere to sort out my tots completely....

waiting for my hair to get dry now b4 getting 4 hr of slp cause gonna meet jean darling to study in e lib later on....

yeat i gt cock up again lo.. really duno wat i am thking n duno y i am being so sensitive la.. hate myself..... i know i shouldnt be angry but i jux cant help it la.... i duno i am angry or jux pek cek... argh... so confusing.... so contradicting...... but i really wish tat he was there wif me......

i meet clarence at woodlands & went down to town together.. aft having dinner at wheellock, we went down to zouk.. it was still early n there's not much crowd... beginning to feel very sian when i stepped in there.. thk i am really sian n too old for clubbing le.. i prefer sitting down n chilling out now... dun feel like drking oso... duno wat's wrong wif me... jux no mood totally......

in e end, i went into the dance floor only for like 15 min den i stepped out of it le.. went to velvet wif clarence in e end.... rather sit there n rot den stand inside phuture lo.... at one pt i even feel like going back home n slp... haha... we tok abt quite alot of stuffs n i realise that he really changed alot alot.. the africa trip really create a super big impact on him... his perception, his thking n alot of things changed.. even geraldine thks tat way too...... he is more responsible & i can see he is changing for e beta.......

duno y we tok abt the dice game n he suggest we go elsewhere to chill n play dice... so we go down to chinatown there but the place is closed... den we took a cab n went to the party world at e other side of chinatown.. damn stupid rite.. ya i know.. ha.. when we reached, they told us tat its closing soon n tell us to go to the shenton way one which will close only at 6.... so..... we took another cab to go down.... theres only one word to describe us... "crazy"......

never tot tat we will go sing ktv together cause all along i know he is not a ktv person & tis time round, he is e one suggesting it so i am more shock.. my voice is super jia lat from all e shouting inside velvet.. cant really sing... so we play dice in e end, he was damn pissed off by me.. shouldn elaborate on tat else he will say i am being mean again.... i tot geraldine darling will be joining us but in e end, she went back home instead.... sorry dear, i dun mean to pang se u one.. i am really damn sian abt staying there n move my body ah.. too tired n old to do it like last time ...

we stayed there & sing until 6 or should i say play dice until 6 cause most of the time we were listening to songs instead of singing... when everything ended, we took a cab back to wlds for breakfast... its e 1st time i go sing ktv until so EARLY..... wa.... really can die ah.. esp later, i mus go n study... cui.....

haiz... how i wish now is like 2 wks back.... now, i am like on e bus going to genting.... how i wish i can turn back time...... argh~~ so pek cek now..... how come so many things can happened within 2 wks.... dun wan to thk abt it le... very tired.... recently, i cant differentiate b/w reality n dream.. wat is real & wat is unreal... its not jux all abt my r/s stuffs, its abt my whole life.... mayb the saying that life is a dream is true........ everything seems so unreal now... i cant seem to hold on to anything... i also duno wat i feel now is real or not... seems so stupid rite.... i, myself duno wat i am feeling..... jux how bad can tis get??

feeling very listless & restless today.. no mood to do anything, jux feel like rotting the whole day away... well, thk i jux gif myself another day of break, from tml onwards, everything will jux go back to normal n i will start my study thingy back....

gt the msg from MC last nite.. thx hunk for being so concern abt me.. really appreciate tat.. :) dun worry, i'll be ok... jean darling called me tis morning.. i know she had gone thru a rough patch of her life yest.. really hope i can do sth to help her cause i dun wan her to get affected by anything at tis crucial pt but i know its hard.....

as for me, will be going out wif geraldine later to relax.. haven been clubbing wif her for quite sometime.. quite looking forward to it but i duno wat will happen later also... for e past 2 times when i am down or not feeling gd, the clubbing session really make things even worse... so maybe tonight i'll jux leave the alcohol alone n be clean.... haha... jux go there to enjoy the music n company.... wanted to ask jean along one cause i thk she needed some break time off also but dun thk she can because of her family commitment thingy.... hope can haf a really gd chat wif her tml when we study together... :)

i tot i would never feel anything ever since yest.. i tot i haf lost all the feelings n are numb already but no.... i felt the pain... its excruciating, in fact, no words can describe it at all....

i never tot tat he would come today cause in e 1st place he was sick & i really dun thk he can treat me normally aft wat happened yest.. unless wat happened doesnt mean anything... tat's why i never woke up early in e morning although i set my alarm cause i dun wan to be awake n wait for his msg telling me he is coming or not.. its too unbearable... its contradicting rite.. set my alarm but dun dare to wake up n face it.... wat am i thking??

we met in e lib n went for lunch.. on e way there he asked me do i hate him?? i know tat today he came for a reason n its not so simple as to jux study but i never tot he would ask me so soon.... seriously, i dun blame him or feel angry wif him... never... i dun care whether he make the decision for me or jux for himself, but i will never blame him for watever decision he make provided he tell me.. wat i cannot stand is when u dun account for anything n went into disappearing mode... tat's one thing i really cannot accept n really hate....

i am totally in no mood to study.... jux read a few pages of my notes n nth goes in.. but i expect it already cause i already told myself tat today is a slacking day for me.. as for him, its never a study time for him whenever i study wif him... tis is e 3rd time already n everytime we will jux end up slacking.... well, we are jux fated not to be able to study seriously together...

we went out to haf a chat n tok abt alot of things... he is jux like me last time, like to thrash things out n clear everything up.. as for me, i am jux like teck.... duno how to express myself... actually is not tat i really duno how to express but i jux dun wan to hurt him... i also know the e best way out is to tok abt it n i really wan to let him know how i feel esp when now i am given a chance to do so... but things arent jux abt me..... i cant be so selfish as to blurt out everything n dun care abt his feelings aft hearing it..... i muz thk in his shoes oso.....

he said how come i can so xiao sa... actually at tat pt of time i am not sure whether i am really feeling tat or i haf already hypnotise n make myself believe tat i can do tat... but later in e evenin, i know its e the latter one... i am saying all those things in e afternoon to make him feel beta & lie to myself tat i can do it.... i am letting my rational tots to handle tis thing... come to thk of it, i am really a good liar cause i can even lie to myself n at one pt i really believe tat i am feeling tat way..... but when we are at the ktv, things changed.....

e moment i cried, i know tat's it... i will be rule by my heart from den on.... from yest until now, aft he called n told me everything has come to an end, i din shed a tear..... din even feel the urge of crying..... i tot am already immune to all tis n jux dun feel anything already.... but he sang tat song....... i cried.... i knew i will when i saw him inserting the song up.... i tot i could control, guess i thk too highly of myself..... aft tat, i can really feel the pain..... the feeling of cant letting go n dun wish to let go..... n wat's more is i can do nth to change it...

i am tat kinda of person who wont go n try or change one's mindset cause i always believe tat once a person make up his mind, theres no pt to change wat he thk.... tat's a lesson learnt from the previous r/s... in e previous one, i always put down my pride as a gal to try to salvage things etc.. tat's y i told myself tat i wont do it again unless its really really necessary & today, to some extent, i did try to change him even though i know i cant...... stupid rite.. already know the ans le den still do it again.....

in e ktv, most of the songs tat i sing today means sth... in fact i can say all.... today the feeling of the whole ktv session is quite diff from the previous ones... i din sing alot of songs tat i wanted to sing & haf sang in our past ones.... cause i know if i do tat, he will feel more painful... i haf already inflict alot of pain on him, i dun wish to add on more to it... actually, he told me tat he felt abit diff abt how i treat him today... i can sense it also.. i dun dare to look at him straight in e eyes.... i dun dare to sit near him & alot more... cause i know i wont be able to control myself.... & i really cant, i started crying uncontrollably out of a sudden.... i really cant help it... its been weighing on me & at that pt of time, i jux let everything out.... so sia suay.... cried more den 3 times today n he saw everything.. argh.... so pai seh... throw face throw until duno where liao......

aft the whole thing, he sent me back home... walking along the same way back all the time but tis time round, the feelings of 'se bu de' is super strong..... cause when i reach my place, tat's mark the end of our whole r/s.... some would say tat ours are never consider as a r/s at all.... well, i dun care.... if next time someone ask me how many bf do u haf, i will ans 2 straightaway.... even though tis whole thing is damn short, the feelings are real & tat's wat matters to me...

things ended earlier den i tot it would be.... mayb i shouldt haf changed the way i am treating him so soon.. thk i haf scared him... n the worse thing is i shouldnt haf msg him tis morning...
i jux wan to ask him whether he is feeling beta n its never my intention to stir up so many things... when i saw wat he reply aft the paper, i was damn stump... luckily i din see the msg b4 the exams or else i will sure be damn affected by it... when i saw the msg i know tat the day has come.... i never tot it would be so soon... cause all along i tell myself tat i will only go n thk abt it n come up wif a decision aft my exam.... well, mayb tis might not be a bad way out cause at least now i dun haf to come up wif a decision cause i know i will never come up wif one..

since now, the feelings we haf for each other are not tat strong yet, it might not be a bad thing to end here... but from tis time onwards, i thk i wont be trusting guys & falling for someone so soon... it will now take even longer for me to trust a guy n love him... n oso do all those things for me..... the walls that i will be building ard my heart will be even thicker n stronger this time round...

seriously, i really duno whether he is feeling as bad as me now?? i know he will feel bad but is e intensity the same as mine?? he seems really fine on e phone n he doesnt really seem cant bear to part wif me.... mayb he had gone thru alot of trauma today le.. tat's y.... moreover, yest when he was sick, i am not e one who is by his side taking care of him.. i am not ard him when he needed someone e most.. i cant help in anyway except giving him trouble..... in addition, we are only together for 3 wks... i am like peanuts or even worse under comparision... ha.... so i dun blame him at all...

i oso duno how i am feeling now.. i duno whether i am sad or not or wat... i duno wat i am feeling now... mayb i already lost all my emotions n feelings le.. will i ever feel again?? i am like void of feelings now..... isit because tats a mechanism which i build up to protect me from feeling hurt or i haf been hurt too much until i duno how it feels like anymore....

some part of me, i hope tat tis will not end, as in it will continue aft everything subside but den from his tone, i can sense that he wans to end it.. mayb its for my own good or mayb he really cant take it anymore... but i felt most hurtful when i heard him saying that the genting trip is a mistake....... tat's really hurting.... i duno wat he meant by its a mistake but i rather he say he never regret the genting trip cause it once brought us closer together........

jux played the tarot game n it says my love situation now.... it says i am hoping that things will get back to once it was but den the other party is very adamant to end it so ask me dun pin hope on tis anymore.... well, all along i thk the prediction for e game is damn true n from how he is behaving now, i thk i should believe the prediction n dun thk abt it anymore....

still frenz.. tat's wat we promise each other... but can we do it?? he once say tat if we end it now, den when he drks i beta dun appear in front of him cause he scare he cant control.. is tis statement still valid now??? as for me, can i control myself when e alcohol n emotions sets in?? will i be rational enough to do the things tat i should?? tat's one thing i cant promise oso... moreover, wat's the thing i should do in e 1st place..

i know i will never be able to treat him as a normal frenz.. he will always be tat someone whom i share those special things with... i will never ever forget him like how i promise him... its not because of the promises i made to him tat makes me say tat... its really because i dun wan to forget those things tat we share once.... those memories.. be it good or bad... as for him, will he rem me forever like wat he promise??

he say he will study wif me tml but den i guess he wont come one... he is sick now & can he really be so xiao sa as to be able to meet me tml.... he was listening to AI QING KANG Ti thruout the 30 min conversation n repeating it... i know it means sth cause the song is special to me & mayb us..... haiz.. really dun feel like thking so much... but can i???

actually i haf been thking whether to post the whole entry online or not... cause i know he will come n read it n its never my intention to write n let the other party know how i am feeling.. its jux sth i wanna write to vent my emotions cause tat's the only thing i can do now...... haiz... fan ah...

feel like creating a new blog cause i cant change some of e settings for tis n cant put up my songs etc.. so its like abit boring but i dun bear to abandon tis blog.... well, mayb i'll switch to a new one when i thk i can put down all the things or i muz put down the things which i have written here...

went to the lib n study wif jean n weiteck yest.. but i din study much because of the stupid flu... hate to study when i am having flu esp when i am studying for my maths which needs alot of conc..

went to his workplace to find him yest.. wanted to make it a surprise thingy one but den i thk i am really very bad at keeping things.. i jux duno how to make it secretive.. argh... hope i din disturb him at work yest cause i dun wan to add on to his trouble n worries esp when he is at work.... tat's why when i msg him at orchard n realise he is not feeling gd tat time, i tot of jux going back home... but den i already bought all the food n stuff for him le.... so tot jux go there meet him n pass him e stuff n i will go back... since tat's my intention in e 1st place oso..... but in e end things din go as planned.. he's quite busy & i dun wan to go his workplace to find him so i jux walk ard n wait for him until he is free........ i knew he is very pek cek wif himself & there's nth i can do to help except keeping quiet n looking at him cause i know he is not in any mood to tok oso......

i am beginning to want to do things for him.. i really duno whether is tis a gd thing or not.. when u really like someone u will not mind doing alot of things for him.. u will in fact wan to do alot for him n tat's me..... tat is why i am really beginning to feel scare cause i know i am losing it... i always tot tat i haf tot it thru n i haf everything under control but judging from how i behave now, i know i am losing control....... jean also realise tat too......

mayb i should jux do wat i wan when i haf the chance n dun thk abt so much..... i always believe tat it is very hard to find a person u love n he loves u back too.... there's so many ppl in tis world n its fate tat let u meet him & share tis special affinity.... it only like happen once in a lifetime so why thk so much...... esp when feelings tis kinda of thing is so hard to explain n u really duno when u will stop feeling it or lose it.......

at tis pt, wat i am really sure is i feel very happy when i am wif him & i wan him to feel the same too... as for the future, well... i really dun wish to go n thk abt it... cause.................

jux came back from a day of relaxation.. finish my macro paper tis morn.. felt really relieve cause it has finally come to an end.. no need to take econs anymore (provided i din fail tis yr.. ) hehe..

woke up at 5 today.. wanted to wake up at 4 one but damn tired.. den study until 7 n go meet QC they all le.. when i finished the paper i was damn seh n stone but on e other hand i felt quite excited cause i am going on our "1st Date".. hehe.. should be able to consider as our 1st official date la.. dun care.. hehe.. jux felt like seeing him..... though we haf been seeing each other for like 3 consecutive days, including today is 4!!! some of u might thk we are damn crazy rite... well, sometimes in life its gd to be crazy once in a while cause u duno when u will haf e chance to do it.. so when u haf one, why not do it???

we had our lunch at NYDC where they serve my fav brownie... we tok abt some serious issue during the meal & actually i wanted to haf a very truthful chat wif him but i seriously lost my touch of communication.. or isit because i duno where to start... thk aft the 2 long yrs of singlehood, i am having some trouble to express myself... tat's always not an issue for me in e past but now i really duno how to express myself... sorry for not able to tell u all tis myself....

he really kept all his promises to me & i felt really loved touched by all those things he had done for me.... but the more things he do for me, the more scare i am...... seriously in e 1st place, i haf never tot of us coming so far.... i never tot my love for him will be reciprocated.. all along, i told myself tat its ok if he dun reciprocate me or wat cause i am really contented for jux being able to love him in my own way.... when i know he felt e same way towards me den i tot of leaving some beautiful memories for us...

i told myself that tis will end when i start to haf expectation towards him cause its the time tat i will start to get hurt n him, getting vexed cause of my demands n stuffs.... tat is why all e time, i dun ask him for anything or expect anything for him.. so when he do sth swt i'll be damn happy n treat it as a bonus... i wont ask him how much i mean to him, where he place me or any typical qns.. tis is all a self defence mechanism i put up cause when the time comes for me to let go, i'll be able to do it & it will be less hurting......

but yest, i am beginning to realise tat things arent going the way as i tot it would be..... i realise tat i am beginning to thk not of letting go anymore... the self protecting mechanism is slowly breaking down.... once again, i thk too highly of myself le... he told me tat the decision of letting go or not depends wholly on me.... but is e power of decision really on me?? can i really dun let go if i dun wan to?? someone once told me tat there's always a choice out there for u no matter wat.... so is there any for me here??

another 3 more days to my 1st paper... can really feel the stress that's building up... damn scare abt my stats paper on thur.. frankly speaking, i really dun haf any confidence in tat paper.. all along my maths n stats sucks la.. duno y i still stupidly n happily go take tis paper... argh.. damn stupid..

den the worse thing is thur is a afternoon paper which will end ard 5 n next day i am having my macro paper at 10 am... which means tat i muz wake up like 6 plus in order to reach expo on time.... wanted to drive there one but den my dad's car gt into an accident recently n is now at e workshop.... thk i'll be damn drained out aft my paper on thur... really scare by the time i reached home i'll jux rot there n cant study, even if i study, i oso cant study till late cause i need to slp early in order to haf e energy for the paper on fri...... why am i staying in woodlands... argh...... but the happy thing is aft tis wk, i can be considered quite free le.. cause e other papers are not so bad aft all.....

now, i am thking of where can i go for my hols.. haha.. my SIM ODAC frenz are going to taiwan in aug... its sounds tempting la, but i dun thk they will be going to shop lo.. its more like a nature trip den a shopping trip.. hehe... den duno qc they all wanna go HK & macau in july or not lei... n i wanted to go to redang n enjoy the sun oso.. haha.. there's so many things i wanna do...... & now its not e time for me to thk abt tis la.. super wrong timing.. hehe.....

haven been spending time wif my mum n acc her tis days.. been either cooping myself in e room the whole day or going out to study lo... worse thing is tis coming mothers' day i cant go out wif her cause e next day i gt my maths paper.. but i promise to bring her out for dim sum next tue le.... at least aft mon, i am more free n available since my next paper will be on e 22..... haven been contributing to e family tis days.. feel damn guilty....

feeling damn terrible now..... i really dun mean things to turn out tis way.. i really duno how to face a fren of mine.. i have wasted his time n effort for helping me.... i dun blame him for doubting me cause i know to some extent, i have hurt him by ignoring him.. i dun mean to do tat but i really duno how to face him now.. i duno wat i should say to him or ans the qns he has for me....

felt damn hurting when he asked me haf i ever used him b4... imagine a close fren who knows u very well asking u tat, tat kinda of feelings is so unbearable.. thk i haf really lost his trust in me or else he wont ask tat... feeling damn damn terrible now..... why muz tis things happened at tis pt of the time when i am having my paper like tis coming thur.. this is like so shitty.... argh~~~~

i haf been telling myself the whole day tat i muz conc n not thk abt it anymore & i even off my phone..... but tis is getting nowhere..... i feel like isolating from all ppl now....... its e 1st time i felt tis way....... dun feel like letting me find me n jux go somewhere where no one knows me n fuck care abt everything......