things ended earlier den i tot it would be.... mayb i shouldt haf changed the way i am treating him so soon.. thk i haf scared him... n the worse thing is i shouldnt haf msg him tis morning...
i jux wan to ask him whether he is feeling beta n its never my intention to stir up so many things... when i saw wat he reply aft the paper, i was damn stump... luckily i din see the msg b4 the exams or else i will sure be damn affected by it... when i saw the msg i know tat the day has come.... i never tot it would be so soon... cause all along i tell myself tat i will only go n thk abt it n come up wif a decision aft my exam.... well, mayb tis might not be a bad way out cause at least now i dun haf to come up wif a decision cause i know i will never come up wif one..

since now, the feelings we haf for each other are not tat strong yet, it might not be a bad thing to end here... but from tis time onwards, i thk i wont be trusting guys & falling for someone so soon... it will now take even longer for me to trust a guy n love him... n oso do all those things for me..... the walls that i will be building ard my heart will be even thicker n stronger this time round...

seriously, i really duno whether he is feeling as bad as me now?? i know he will feel bad but is e intensity the same as mine?? he seems really fine on e phone n he doesnt really seem cant bear to part wif me.... mayb he had gone thru alot of trauma today le.. tat's y.... moreover, yest when he was sick, i am not e one who is by his side taking care of him.. i am not ard him when he needed someone e most.. i cant help in anyway except giving him trouble..... in addition, we are only together for 3 wks... i am like peanuts or even worse under comparision... ha.... so i dun blame him at all...

i oso duno how i am feeling now.. i duno whether i am sad or not or wat... i duno wat i am feeling now... mayb i already lost all my emotions n feelings le.. will i ever feel again?? i am like void of feelings now..... isit because tats a mechanism which i build up to protect me from feeling hurt or i haf been hurt too much until i duno how it feels like anymore....

some part of me, i hope tat tis will not end, as in it will continue aft everything subside but den from his tone, i can sense that he wans to end it.. mayb its for my own good or mayb he really cant take it anymore... but i felt most hurtful when i heard him saying that the genting trip is a mistake....... tat's really hurting.... i duno wat he meant by its a mistake but i rather he say he never regret the genting trip cause it once brought us closer together........

jux played the tarot game n it says my love situation now.... it says i am hoping that things will get back to once it was but den the other party is very adamant to end it so ask me dun pin hope on tis anymore.... well, all along i thk the prediction for e game is damn true n from how he is behaving now, i thk i should believe the prediction n dun thk abt it anymore....

still frenz.. tat's wat we promise each other... but can we do it?? he once say tat if we end it now, den when he drks i beta dun appear in front of him cause he scare he cant control.. is tis statement still valid now??? as for me, can i control myself when e alcohol n emotions sets in?? will i be rational enough to do the things tat i should?? tat's one thing i cant promise oso... moreover, wat's the thing i should do in e 1st place..

i know i will never be able to treat him as a normal frenz.. he will always be tat someone whom i share those special things with... i will never ever forget him like how i promise him... its not because of the promises i made to him tat makes me say tat... its really because i dun wan to forget those things tat we share once.... those memories.. be it good or bad... as for him, will he rem me forever like wat he promise??

he say he will study wif me tml but den i guess he wont come one... he is sick now & can he really be so xiao sa as to be able to meet me tml.... he was listening to AI QING KANG Ti thruout the 30 min conversation n repeating it... i know it means sth cause the song is special to me & mayb us..... haiz.. really dun feel like thking so much... but can i???

actually i haf been thking whether to post the whole entry online or not... cause i know he will come n read it n its never my intention to write n let the other party know how i am feeling.. its jux sth i wanna write to vent my emotions cause tat's the only thing i can do now...... haiz... fan ah...