jux came back from a day of relaxation.. finish my macro paper tis morn.. felt really relieve cause it has finally come to an end.. no need to take econs anymore (provided i din fail tis yr.. ) hehe..

woke up at 5 today.. wanted to wake up at 4 one but damn tired.. den study until 7 n go meet QC they all le.. when i finished the paper i was damn seh n stone but on e other hand i felt quite excited cause i am going on our "1st Date".. hehe.. should be able to consider as our 1st official date la.. dun care.. hehe.. jux felt like seeing him..... though we haf been seeing each other for like 3 consecutive days, including today is 4!!! some of u might thk we are damn crazy rite... well, sometimes in life its gd to be crazy once in a while cause u duno when u will haf e chance to do it.. so when u haf one, why not do it???

we had our lunch at NYDC where they serve my fav brownie... we tok abt some serious issue during the meal & actually i wanted to haf a very truthful chat wif him but i seriously lost my touch of communication.. or isit because i duno where to start... thk aft the 2 long yrs of singlehood, i am having some trouble to express myself... tat's always not an issue for me in e past but now i really duno how to express myself... sorry for not able to tell u all tis myself....

he really kept all his promises to me & i felt really loved touched by all those things he had done for me.... but the more things he do for me, the more scare i am...... seriously in e 1st place, i haf never tot of us coming so far.... i never tot my love for him will be reciprocated.. all along, i told myself tat its ok if he dun reciprocate me or wat cause i am really contented for jux being able to love him in my own way.... when i know he felt e same way towards me den i tot of leaving some beautiful memories for us...

i told myself that tis will end when i start to haf expectation towards him cause its the time tat i will start to get hurt n him, getting vexed cause of my demands n stuffs.... tat is why all e time, i dun ask him for anything or expect anything for him.. so when he do sth swt i'll be damn happy n treat it as a bonus... i wont ask him how much i mean to him, where he place me or any typical qns.. tis is all a self defence mechanism i put up cause when the time comes for me to let go, i'll be able to do it & it will be less hurting......

but yest, i am beginning to realise tat things arent going the way as i tot it would be..... i realise tat i am beginning to thk not of letting go anymore... the self protecting mechanism is slowly breaking down.... once again, i thk too highly of myself le... he told me tat the decision of letting go or not depends wholly on me.... but is e power of decision really on me?? can i really dun let go if i dun wan to?? someone once told me tat there's always a choice out there for u no matter wat.... so is there any for me here??