my 'best fren', disappointment, found me today... i tot i haf 'hide' myself very carefully from it & haf already escape successfully from it le.. thk i am not doing a gd job in hiding ba... haven been feeling tat ever since 2 yrs back... jux like in e past, its still has a very big impact on me & i really hate tat feeling... i super duper hate tis feeling & i really mean it... its even worse den being angry or sad....

i am trying my best not to show it out but i am not gd at hiding my feelings either.. thk i am jux not gd at everything..

actually all along, i know tat its impossible for us to go on a trip ever again.. be it alone or wif others, the genting one will be the 1st & also the last one.. even when he agreed abt the redang one, i am quite skeptical abt will it really be ok & whether it will turn out to be true... but still, i go n check out abt the trip & stuffs... well, can only say i am jux trying to deceive myself n i can blame no one abt it... love really makes one become insensible n naive...

seriously, i understand his situation.. i know where he stand & i know where i stand also.. but i jux cant help & felt the disappointment when things really turned out like how i anticipate it to be.. its so ironic rite... yeah, it sure is... always telling myself that i shouldn expect anything & tot that i haf done tat but, still i felt e disappointment like how i used to feel when i was wif HIM... the feeling is so familiar.. tat's y i say 'it' came back to find me today...

during dinner, i know tat he is quite worried... i know tat i am part of the reason or worse, the whole reason behind how he is feeling at tat moment.. the atmosphere was abit weird... its making me worried also cause it might be our last time out today... things might changed aft today...

he said tat i am part of his worries cause i am fickle-minded.. today i might say tis, tml i might say another.. or worse, i changed within a few hrs... & i am always saying 'tis might be the last time lo, mayb there wont be a next time anymore'.. tis is because i dun feel secure at all..... at 1st i dun hope for anything & jux let things take it nature course cause i know one day he will SURE let go of me.. but he made me believe tat he wont.. i believed him & jux when i start to give out everything i would in a r/s, things changed... now, i am scared tat things will change once again b4 i prepared myself for it.. so now, i am always like on stand-by mode, always preparing for the worse when i sense sth... tat's y i kp saying that sentence cause its one way to protect myself & prepare for the worse... actually, i dun like to say tat sentence at all.... but i jux cant help it...

i really dun like to blog tis days.. cause whenever i blog i will hurt someone.. i hate tis la.... i know he is not feeling gd inside also & tis is making him feeling worse.. i can still use tis blog to vent my emotions n 'tok' to it but he can only kp everything to himself & take it alone.. i duno how he feels at tat pt n stuffs... i duno how hurt, upset or angry he is when he saw wat i wrote... tis is like so unfair to him... i am a bad person rite?? ya.. totally agreed w/o any qns.. on top of tat, i am also very inconsiderate.... argh~~~