came back quite early today.. din go out wif teck in e end, last min sth cropped up at his side.. was quite surprised when he msg me n asked me out yest.. thk he muz be damn bored ba...

duno y, tis couple of days, my tots kp flashing back to e wk that we went to m'sia... if now was tat wk, wat am i doing n how i felt at tat pt... was reading thru my previous blog entries & my diary... the diary that contains all our memories in genting which i din post here...

actually, there are alot of posts tat i din post here.... its like a small secret space of mine, only meant for me to reminisce on the past n memories.... its also the most truthful thing cause i know wat i haf written will only be known by me... its not commercialise at all & i no need to scare tat wat i haf wrote will hurt or affect anyone in anyway except me.... so it will truly reflect how i felt at tat pt of time...

ever since writing it, i haven been going back to read it like how i used to read my blog... its like i haf forgotten all abt it le... its like it has been carefully hidden at some secret corner of my comp...... i am glad tat i actually record all those memories somewhere cause it further affirms tat all tis did happened... 1st time ever since the trip tat i felt wat had happened is so real.. all e minor details, how i felt during tat pt of time... everything is there.... there to remind me how fortunate & 'xin fu' i felt at tat pt of time.... even at genting, i am also not feeling how i feel now... its really very diff...... i jux duno how to describe it.... all e things tat happened there, all the pictures & details starts flashing thru my mind while i was reading it...

as usual, i......... haiz... isit because i am sad??? duno lei... mayb its because i know time wont go back for me anymore ba.. things only happened once in a lifetime, there's no rewind button...

aft reading wat i haf wrote, i realise i am actually very fortunate... i dun regret going there wif him... even though it does bring me alot of pain, unhappiness & sadness aft tat but it all worthwhile....

went to fish at sembawang jetty wif em aft work again.. we went to haf our dinner at chongpang nasi lemak there b4 jeremy fetch me down to lawrence's place & wait for em to come..

only manage to go there ard 11 plus.. its high tide yest n they said it was supposedly to be a gd day for fishing but we waited until 12 plus also gt nth la.. in e end, lawrence gt bored & we drove jeremy's car out to get drks.. decided to go n find kenny who is singing ktv at safra wif his frenz.. met him & went to haf tow huay aft sending his frenz back..

aft the supper, we went to cheers to get drks for em & went back there to find em.. the road in there is super muddy.. make me damn pek cek & i cant see clearly w/o my glasses & haf to hold onto em.. if not i will sure fall down.. stayed wif em until 2 plus.. sth happened to jeremy's car on e way out.. i was at kenny's car so we din realise wat happened until we reach lawrence's place.... i can only say the lighting there is e main culprit ba...

jeremy sent me back home aft tat as usual.. & i gt knocked out the moment i finished bathing... woke up early tis morning.. luckily i had my share of slp for the past couple of days.. at least today can still 'tong' abit..

it has been a yr.. a yr since i know him.. actually yest is the actual day but i jux dun haf the mood to come n blog.. i know if i do so, i will feel down once again.. within tis yr, alot of things has happened.. can it considered alot?? well, it seems like.... but wat abt achievements?? duno lei..

for the past few days, i kp on thking abt how we 2 started? how we contact back each other aft the incident... 3 mths time which is equivalent to a quarter of a yr.. tat's when everything started... looking at the duration, it seems very long rite.. yeah, it sure us but everytime when i thk it, it seems like it jux happened yest.. the memories are still quite vivid to me... although most of the time i will say tat it seems like a dream to me..

well, mayb at tis pt of time i still cant believe tat he actually reciprocate my feelings ba.... it sure is very unbelievable on my side.. cause all along, i knew very clearly tat he only treat me as a 'xiao mei mei'.. he make his pt very clear already.... on e other hand, i also know my stand.. i am not a very outstanding gal... standing in e crowd, i dun thk anyone will actually take notice of me.. i am jux like any normal gal on the street... is tis known as low self-esteem?? ha....

wat exactly am i feeling towards him now?? tat's one qns i cant find an answer to once again... at times will still feel emo when i listen to those songs & thk abt us... are all human beings like tat?? they like to be tortured... isit because tat's e only way to make em feel their existence?? but why mine will actually makes me tot i am living in a dream sometimes?? haha..

thk i am going a bit bonkers le.. kp on blogging those stuffs & repeating it.. erm.. well, thk i am still going in circle ba.. tat's why i kp on repeating those stuffs tat i haf said b4.. still in e midst of sorting out everything.. thk time is still the best healer in e world.. shall see how much time i need ba.. next time when u guys see me stop blogging abt all tis den u will know tat i haf walked out of the circle already.... so meanwhile, jux bear wif me 1st ba......

realise i haven been eating out wif my frenz tis days.. i miss SizzleRs.. i miss cartel.. i miss my nydc brownies.... i miss my yum cha buffet..... i miss alot of food lo.... argh~~ quick quick ask me out for dinner guys.... haha...

complexion getting from bad to worse.. figure is getting plumper by the day also.. everything is not going the way i wan it to be.. even my feelings n everything i do is also the same....

realise how cock up my life is for e past mths.. not going home until its past 1 am in e morning.. e moment i reach home, i will n den slp.. next morning wake up at 8 plus again to go to work n e cycle continue.. it has been like tis for more den a mth.. den during weekend, need to work n go for tuition.. haven been slping for more den 9 hours for like almost a mth....

really wonder why am i torturing myself & pushing myself so hard... actually i do know e reason y also... its jux tat i dun wan to admit n go n thk abt it only.. i am trying to run away but from wat is happening to me now, i dun thk it helps at all.... in fact, its making things worse only.. running away from problem is a really stupid thing & i know it very clearly.. it will not solve the problem at all, it only help u to make the problem 'disappear' temporarily.. at e end, of the day it will still be there.. no matter how u pretend or convince urself, u are jux lying only... but facing the problem needs a lot of courage & determination.... tat's wat lacking in me.... wat can i do to make myself to be determined?? can it be 'cultivated' or it mux be in born??

it has been almost a yr... time really flies & tat's all i can say... in another 1 mths time i will be starting my sch term.... duno wat to anticipate tis time round... now, other den wanting to be determined & earning alot of money, i dun expect anything in my life le..... expectation will only make one more unhappy & disappointed... only when u haf no expectation den u will not feel disappointed.. as easy as it seems to be said out by me, i wonder will i be able to do it myself... if i really can do tat, i thk i can go be a nun already.. its ironic rite.. yeah, its is & tat's wat life is all abt.....

chance upon an article yest.. its writing abt woman being 'cheap'... dun get me wrong, its not tat kind of cheap tat u guys thk abt.. the 'cheap' refers to woman putting down their self-esteem & pride for e guy they love.. when a woman fall in love wif a guy, she is willing to do anything for him.. yes, anything.... she will wan to do a lot of things for the guy.. cook for him, wait for him at home, care for him, beg him... even when the guy dun love em anymore, they will still try their best to make em stay & win back their heart... beg, cry, seduce or anthing....... tat's how 'cheap' a woman can be..... cheap in e eyes of the guy whom they love..... but when they realise tat things cannot be changed anymore, they will jux wake up their idea... well, tis will only happen aft they got hurt deeply... its only at tis pt of time tat they 'learnt'.... ha.... should the word learn be used here?? i duno.. cause some gals jux wont learn at all.. when they fall for a guy again, the vicious cycle will still continue.....

no matter how arrogant & aloof a woman may seem to be, they will haf their 'cheap' side.. tat's when they start falling for a guy... sounds really sad rite?? but tat's really the case... woman, they are more sentimental den guys.. using their heart most of the time & letting it rule em den using their brain.... as for guys, alot will say they are rational... haha.. well, most of my guy say their 'raionality' comes from their lower body instead.... some intellectual one will use their brain to thk also but very little will use their heart..... tat's the diff b/w our fellow male & female species...

on my side, i truly agree wat the article says.... no matter how strong & arrrogant a woman may seem in front of others, when she really fall for a guy, she will change completely to a tame, small little lamb... well, tat only applies to the guy she likes la.... ha... i dun doubt tat there are other woman who behave otherwise, but tat's how most woman behaves.... woman ah woman, why are we so pathetic????

leading a super f*** up life now..

jux reached home.. waiting for hair to dry now.. went out to haf dinner wif em at sembawang aft work today.. lawrence took train wif tony back while i hitch a ride on billy's bike.. 1st time riding on his bike, the back seat is quite high den quite fun.. esp when they are on e expressway, too bad there's heavy traffic at CTE today or else thk it will be damn fun..

went to pick up their fren 1st b4 heading down to sembawang for the seafood bee hoon again... eat until 12 plus b4 going down to mr lawrence place cause he wan billy to go n check out his fishing stuffs.. they going to organise a team fishing outing tis coming sat at duno where la.. thk i gonna be their PA tis coming sat n sit down there doing nth liao.. fishing is not my forte n cup of tea at all... hope they will haf some bbq thingy to kp me occupied...

play cards wif em once again.. super funny la.. den they set some stupid forfeit & in e end jeremy haf to strip.... aft tat, he sent me back home while billy send his frenz back.. tis time round sitting on his bike is not so jia lat as e other time.. at least know where to hold already... not so tiring.. its actually quite fun riding on e bike.. at least the wind n everything can make u forget all the troubles.. & the adrenaline rush... superb... how i wish i can get a bike of my own but i dun thk my parents will allow me to do tat lo... thk female bikers are damn cool... hehe...

damn tired now.. tml gonna haf tuition den fri duno they gt wat prog also.. its the last day for jackson n zhicong le.. duno will there be any farewell party for em or not.. thk i gonna miss the days tat we work together lo.. in another one mths time, mr kenny is going into army le.. haiz... hope the new batch of ppl tat lawrence employ will be as fun n onz as em.......

been very tired tis couple of days.. e moment i reached home i gt knocked out le.. tis wk we gonna work OT until fri den sat might need to come back to work again.. end mth is always like tat one..

mon we went all e way to jurong aft work to meet cust for self-courier.. luckily kenny went home to get his car 1st so the 3 of us, lawrence, me & jeremy are able to go also.. only managed to reach e place aft 10.. by the time we finish the thing is nearly 1030 den we still lost our way there.. we are damn hungry liao lo...

decided to go to sembawang to haf seafood bee hoon.. the food there is really not bad but kenny is having gastric so he cant enjoy the food.. aft the meal we went to 7-11 to get some gastric medicine for him b4 going to eat the tow huay at chong pang.. gt craving for their grass jelly...

sent lawrence home aft tat den i test drive kenny's tuscandi.. its really 'smooth' & 'light'.. haha.. mayb i gt used to driving my dad's car le, duno the accelerator for his car is so sensitive.. its pick up speed is faster den my dad's car lo.. super shiok... but tat nite it was raining so i dun dare to drive too fast also..

as for yest went for self-courier again.. raining once again.. tis days the weather is jux like how i feel.. very gloomy.. duno y for e past 2 days, my mood is quite down, esp in e morning..

alot of memories kps on flashing back.. read thru some of the msgs.. aiya... duno wat to say also la..... jux very pek cek wif myself.... isnt memories supposed to be a gd thing?? but y isit hurting me so much?? the pain is still so vivid.. the memories is so unreal.. is memories supposed to feel tat way?? so unreal & hurtful?? sometimes i will thk n wonder has he forgotten abt everything tat happened a few mths back?? will he still thk abt the times we shared together?? very stupid of me to go n thk abt all tis at tis pt of time rite.. everything is sort of like finalied.. he is getting on his life fairly well w/o me.. w/o me there adding trouble n causing troubles...

listening to the 1st song he gave me.. jux like the lyrics.. i am trying to move forward but i felt tat i am not at all... work is e only thing tat kps me occupied n stop thking abt everything..

falling sick.... haven been slping for more den 10 hours for the past 2 days den go to JB & haf durian wif my family today & caught a cold from yest nite rain.. everything is building up & now thk its going to 'explode' out already...

on fri i went to chinatown again to meet the cust.. den went back to office to do submission.. only manage to leave e office at 8 plus.. went to sembawang there to haf dinner wif lawrence n jeremy cause he say wan to haf chili crab... eat until 10 plus & lawrence fren send us back to his place while i wait for jeremy to come n pick me up... he din bring an extra helmet to work so haf to go back home n take...

in e end, we end up playing cards at lawrence's place until 2 plus aft jeremy came over.. realise i forgot to bring my key when i was leaving.. super cham.. tat's not the worse thing.. haha.. jeremy jux change to a sport bike w/o any support at the back so i haf to hold onto him.. its my 1st time riding on a sport bike & i really duno mux hold onto him tightly so i end up having an aching arms when i reached my place due to trying to support myself.... ha, thk on his side he also feel very uncomfortable ba.. having a rookie pillion behind him...

as for yest, went to work wif lawrence.. took a cab down & was caught in e rain once again.. kp getting drenched tis days & go into air con room.. no wonder will fall sick.. stayed in his office until 5 plus b4 we head to orchard.. wanted to catch 'invincible target' one but the slot are full.. so we ended up walking ard looking for his home theatre system.. aft tat we went to selegie to haf tow huay.. super nap....

went to look for jackson who is at clarke quay at his frenz.. met him & went to eat the hokkaido ice cream.. haha.. thk my whole life is all abt eating tis days.. haha.. no choice ah.. working wif lawrence ma, who loves to eat like me.. hehe.. really love to go to clarke quay tis days.. like the ambience there, esp the nite life.. hope can go to the mahanttan to haf dinner one of this days.. looks quite cool..

we went to live impact & move to geographer aft tat.. actually wanted to go to MOS one but jeremy frenz cant sign us in anymore.. den they are at the VIP area so no pt going in also, even though i am really dying to dance yest.. geographer is really fun & happening.. thk next time gt chance i will bring my mum down there.. haha.. desmond came n join us later in the nite.. we stayed there until 3 plus b4 heading down to mac for supper.... it rained while we were there.. gt caught again.. tis time round, in e nite time somemore... super duper cold lo..

only manage to reach my place ard 4 n slp at 430.... tis morning woke up at 815 cause gt a tuition at 9.. drove there in e end, cause very tired to take bus there & its raining also... came home straight aft tuition, tot i can haf a gd rest n nap but my family say want bring me to JB to haf durian.. so went wif em & gif up my slping time....

its the durian season now, so its really not bad.. but guess i eat too much le cause now not feeling well... went to JUSCO n shop aft tat.. its really big down there but i din buy anything.. not to my liking....

tis morning my mum saw a super duper big bruise on my thigh.. i din realise it until she told me.. i cant rem me bumping into anything lei.. so i was quite shocked when i saw the bruise cause its really BIG.... in fact, it can be categorised as HUGE already.. i really duno when n where i gt tis thing la... looks damn scary.... thk i really very bim lei... gt such a big bruise but dun even know when i gt it lo... thk i am really not gd in taking care of myself.....


look at how big n purplish the bruise is.....

saw his nick today.. felt the impact once again but i duno how to describe wat i am feeling.. 你会好好过?? am i feeling tat way?? seriously i duno also.. nowadays apart from feeling stress & tired there's no other feelings le... is i dun feel anything or i dun wan to feel anything.. i really duno also...

am i happy & having a better life now?? well, if u measure happiness n better life in terms of stress n having no time at all.. den yes, i am very happy rite now... its full of prog, mostly linked wif work.. been going out wif colleague for e past 2 days but most of the time i jux stone there.. i felt more cheerful & happy when they are ard wif me as compared to when i am all alone.. cause tat time, i will be listenin to my songs & thking abt alot of things.. its not tat i am lazy n dun wan to use my brain at all.. its jux tat i am really too tired to use it already.. esp when i know all this pro cant be solved by jux thking abt it cause there's no conclusion at all.. e only best thing is not to go n thk abt it.. & the only time when i am doing tat is when i am occupied wif other stuffs....

i admit tat i am very stressed n tired now.. leading a life wif only work n slp.. not even going out to meet my other frenz cause i cant afford it at all... like wat qc say, for a gal, i seems to haf no life at all.. even my fav clubbing i also gif up le cause am really too tired for it..

i always believe the songs we listen reflect one's scenario at that pt of time.. tat's y i rather use songs to express myself cause sometimes its hard for me to differentiate n know exactly wat i are feeling...

really gt alot alot of things to tell him to ask him.. wondering whether he feels e same also.. but at tis pt of time, i dun thk it will help or mean anything ba.. mayb it will cause each other more pain only... also duno when will i be able to haf a nice chat wif him.. meeting up is a problem.. even when we meet, i also duno will i be able to express myself or not.. mayb i will jux end up like e past few times, become speechless n duno wat to say at all.... duno y, he jux has tis ability to stop me from saying how i really feel.... mayb i know tat wat i say to him will cause him more pain & i dun wan tat to happen ba....

i still rem tat in e past, i am really very selfish.. always saying things out n w/o going thru my mind... jux blurt watever i feel at tat pt of time, w/o thking how the other party will feel... tat time, i will still feel tat i am doing the right things for speaking my mind out but now i realise how irresponsible i am...

the song means sth but definitely not the title of it.. but i know, one day, there will come a day, this whole song will mean sth....

went out until 1 plus again wif lawrence they all.. haha.. actually we off work at 8 plus le but muz help jeremy to meet a cust so went to sembawang n eat while waiting for the cust... den suddenly jeremy said tat he is not going down to seng kang to meet his cust le so he came n meet us instead....

we went to eat the selegie tow huay at yishun nasi lemak there.. now den i know there's a branch there.. super nice lo.. love their tow huay & qing cao... haha.. yum yum.... *slurpz*

went to meet the cust aft that & went to mr lawrence's place cause he wanna bath... so me & jeremy played cards there... i cant believe that total 4 rounds of game, i lost all... wat's tis... he muz be a con-man lo... haha.. den we went to pick mr billy up b4 going down to AMK to meet another of their frenz for coffee....

was super in e mood to work yest.. duno y also.. haha.. tok to my cust like they are my frenz den got quite alot of referal.. was quite a fruiful day.. stayed in e office until 8 plus as usual & went to catch mr harry potter at cwp wif lawrence n some colleagues..

lawrence was complaining to me thruout the movie & asked me when will the thing end.. haha.. in e end, he even fall aslp lo.. thk the work is really making him damn tired.. went to al-ameen for my late dinner wif em aft the show ended ard 12 plus.. was damn seh when i reached there.. stoning all e way.. den jeremy's fren was really funny.. haha.. make me luff until cannot take it...

reached home n listen to my songs b4 slping.. alot of things flashed back.. realised how much has happened within tis 2 mths.. its really alot alot of things.. its been 2 wks since i went to genting.. there's alot of things i wan to tell him at that pt of time.. as the time passes by, i realised tat wat i wan to say to him is becoming lesser & lesser.. all those things are being buried more n more deep into my heart where i thk i will not go n dig em out anymore..

felt that we are getting further n further apart from each other.. well, isnt that the way all tis should end?? as far as i hate it to be, its turning tat way... there will come a day when we will be too busy as to rem each other.... or will only occassionally rem that there's tis person in our life once.....

has been damn busy recently.. consecutive burn my 2 sats le.. den next wk one gonna burn again.. no choice.. my no. is not really fantastic, yest help lawrence to write abt report abt the ranking & the total product we sold, i am ranked no. 4 lo... quite disappointed...

went to Central wif him for dinner aft work yest cause we are going to geographer later in e nite... 1st time step into the shopping centre & its really lika a maze.. 1st time i felt so lost inside a shopping centre.. duno where i am exactly... but i muz say there are alot of nice restaurant wif nice ambience there.. mux really find some time to go there to haf dinner wif frenz etc... rem last time i used to love the esplanade?? now thk i am going to love it there.. hehe...

there's this hokkaido ice cream shop.. it looks quite nice but i am too full to stuff another food inside my stomach anymore.. shall go n try it out one day.. oh ya, there's tis pastry shop over there.. wa.. looks damn nice also.. hehe.. if my office is over there thk i will jux become a fat lady.. hehe

went to geographer wif lawrence, his frenz & billy.. 1st time there too.. its really not bad.. quite enjoyable.. tis days, i rather sit down & relax rather den dance.. stayed there until 1 plus & went to haf supper at mac.. oh my, how am i going slim down??

woke up at 8 today.. ever since the genting trip ended, i never slp later den 9 lo.. but not really feeling as tired as i tot it would be.. came straight home aft tuition.. am too tired to go out anymore.. rather slack at home & rot & acc my family... sun is a day for em & for myself.. realise tat i do need a break from the things i do also...

took a nap from 12 plus to 4.. damn shiok... tml gonna start the crazy meeting the no. week again.. hope time can pass faster cause at e end of the mth we are going to organise a company trip or outing.. quite looking forward to it.. finally can relac & dun thk abt no. anymore.. hehe...

feeling damn tired tis days even though i haf 8 hours of slp.. apart from feeling tired & need to stone, there's no other feelings le... someone ask me why am i pushing myself like tat?? erm, is tat consider as pushing myself?? seriously, i duno lei...

well, mayb in e eyes of others, i am doing tat ba.. on my side, i duno wat am i doing also.. isit because of family, wanna fight n build up my career so tat i can haf a better path to walk in e future or isit because tat's e only way to numb myself from all e other feelings except tiredness...

dun worry guys, i am not like last time when i breakdown w/o me reasling at all... from that incident onwards, i know myself beta.. i know i am not as strong as i seem & i do need help n a listening ear....

getting fatter & fatter tis days.. wat to do.. office work will make a gal become fatter & esp i am working in a all guys environment.. they will eat no matter wat one lo & i am those very easily succumb to temptation type.. eat is ok lei, worse thing is i dun haf time to exercise at all!! gt input & no output... jia lat....

went for tuition & self-courier jux now.. haven been leaving office ard 5 plus at all.. today is e 1st time.. felt abit weird ah cause most of the time when i come out of e place, its already dark le.. 1st time i see e sun shining brightly when i left.. haha..

jux came back from dinner wif geraldine darling n lawrence at the esplanade.. thk ever since i went wif him for movie e other time, i haven been there again le.. the feeling is damn diff already.. its now filled wif all those things from the NDP.. last time still can enjoy the breeze n look at the sea.. now can only look at all those construction going on there.. dun like the feeling at all....

its only been 2 mths n so much things has changed there.. things can change so fast, let alone a person's heart rite?? tat's y ppl always say human being is the most famthomable creature in tis world.. very unpredictable...

was very stressed abt the numbers again today.. can only squeeze out 2 CPs.. mux thx kenny for helping me to cover up for the shortfall... has been relying on him for e past 2 days for the no. cause last wk i dun haf any acceptance at all.. muz really say he is my best buddy.. haha.. its really hard on him lo.. nvm, next wk will be my turn to cover his shortfall if there are any.. hehe..

went for a self courier today at shaw centre.. brnadon n kenny went wif me & we haf subway there... super long din haf tat le.. nowadays, only manage to go near our office for lunch.. had been eating alot of malay food lo.. how i miss those fast food & chi cuisine..

going to slp now le.. tml gotta stress on no again.. gonna do a self courier & gif tuition.. looking forward to sun, cause its e only time tat i can rot at home...

i made him angry again today.. well, thk i jux haf tis special ability to cause him to feel alot of things other den happy... well, is tat the mission for me to come into tis world???

i really dun mean but everytime, i will jux do it again.. argh~~ felt abit sian aft the incident..

went for a self-courier today at somerset.. was raining heavily in e morning so din go down wif jeremy.. met him at somerset straight instead.. gt knocked out the moment i board the train.. really very tired ah.. n tis will last until sat cause we need to go back for calling on tis coming sat....

really very pek cek wif that cust lo.. in e end, he cancelled off the application.. feel like screaming at him.. today really damn suay la.. den went down to the UOB building there wif him cause he wanna sign up his colleague for the card... only managed to reach the office aft 12.. waste my time on a stupid courier tat was cancelled in e end.....

was doing follow up again today.. wa.. damn stressed la.. i wanna relac but no time!!!! can i jux go for another vacation again soon?? in e end, cant go for qing yang's bday chalet at chevron because of all the work stuff... cant watch my harry potter also... tml gonna do another courier.. hope tis one will go on smoothly & get a few more referal to make up for todays' loss....

uploaded the photos taken on mon & yest... that's the photo we took outside carl's..


qc & billy wif their brand new image....


billy & jean.. she really lost alof of weight...


me & qc acting cute.. haha..


jean darling & me..


do i look innocent.. hehe..


my best buddy in SIM...


i thk qc looks very ke ai in tis pic.. hee...

den comes the photo we took in e office for kenny's bday...


tat's the bday boy...


our team.. ( but jackson was absent tat day.. )

finally ending wif......


jeremy acting gay.... hehe...

wa.. damn tired today.. only slp for 6 hours for the past 2 days..

went n meet qc, jean & billy aft work yest cause need to discuss wif em abt the module we are going to take tis yr as today is e day for e ecr thingy le.. was late for the meeting cause there's so much things to do at the office.. haiz.. the response for the corporate roadshow is not as fantastic as wat we tot it would be.. in fact, its quite disappointint lo...

met em at the carl's junior at MS.. super long never haf such a gathering le.. nowadays, its like so hard to gather everyone together lo.. billy n qc change their hairstyles.. n we took alot of pic there..

we went to meet qc's cousin, ivan, who was our senior from SIM for some advice regarding the courses.. finally decide on wat to take le.. felt quite relieve lo.. den we last min decide to go n sing ktv at partyworld cause ivan's fren is working there n can get us a room... drove there n on the way i make a fool of myself again.. argh~~ really becoming more n more bimbotic tis days la.. jia lat lei....

i was really impressed by qc's cousin.. he can sing damn well & i mean it.. he is the 2nd person aft zhiwei that really impressed me wif his singing lo.. there's once when i tot i am at some live concert.. haha... its been a long time since someone can impressed me this way.. totally defeated.. hehe...

we sing until 1 plus & went back le cause today still need to work if not, thk we will jux sing until the next morning lo.. haha.. super long never had such a gathering le.. so quite enjoy it.. nowadsys, my life is all abt work lo.. damn stressed...

den today, is the ecr thingy.. wa.. damn sian also.. hate to vie wif ppl over module but tis yr die die muz do tat cause wanna take MSM... feeling damn stressed abt the ecr thing for the whole day.. no mood to do anything lo..

den in e afternoon, e 4 of us went out for lunch.. jeremy need to go n do a courier at golden mile so lawrence, me & billy went down wif him.. went to ask abt the bus tic to go to genting.. lawrence is serious abt organising a team outing lo.. still in e midst of deciding where to go now.. see how ba.. hehe...

aft tat, we went to bra basah den haf our lunch near beach road.. billy n lawrence went back to the office 1st while me & jeremy went to get a birthday cake for kenny.. its his birthday today.. took quite a few photos.. will upload em soon...

was damn busy in e office today doing submission.. no time to do calling at all.. th genting trip is really slowing me down.. my no is quite low now.. duno how to account to lawrence lo.. den feel very sian also.. muz buck up..

at 6 sharp, i log into the website to choose the timetable le.. muz be damn kiasu ah.. no choice.. hehe.. will be taking 3 subjects at the same timing wif em but for MSM, i haf to take alone cause they log in abit later n my slot was filled up le.. haiz... will be having 3 day wk tis yr.. wan to make it 2 one but cant.. but its abit weird also cause over the 3 yrs, tis is e 1st time i only need to go back to sch for 3 days.. quite shiok....

work OT today.. only manage to knock off at 8.. damn tired lo.. so asked jeremy & billy to drop me & brandon at jurong since they are going there.. its nearer for me to go back from there also.. but in e end, i went wif em to meet the person who wanna buy jeremy's bike at jurong aft dropping brandon off...

aft that, they send me back & we had our dinner at al-ameen near my place... went back home ard 10 plus...

very fast lei.. its a wk since i went to genting.. how come the time in spore pass so fast?? isit because i am working tat's y i thk time passes very fast??? duno lei.. i jux know work really makes me forget abt alot of things.. tat's y i took up another tuition on sun.. took tat cause i wanna make myself busy.. i am jux scare of being too free cause i know tat's when 'things' come n haunt me.... am glad that at least there is work for me to kp me occupied n make me tired.. :)

finally am free today to come here n upload the photos from the genting trip & update u guys abt the trip...

we reached there early in e morning ard 430.. there's simply nth to do except the casino & breakfast buffet at genting hotel.. so we went to haf breakfast instead cause its jux to early n too tired for us to go into the casino...

managed to check in ard 10 plus.. which is like 4 hrs earlier den i haf expected.. cause normally i tot we can check in only aft 2.. its my 2nd time going there in e morn, cause i am not so sure also..

aft tat, i went down to starbucks.. cause wan to tell him tat we had already checked in so dont need their room already.. but he din turn up aft an hour wait for him.. felt quite werid & anxious during the wait.. guessing why he din turn up or haven come yet den finally come to e conclusion tat he muz haf missed the timing & overslp cause he was sick...

qc was really surprised by my patience for being able to wait so long & not getting flared up.. haha.. i was surprised by myself also cause normally i dun wait so long for someone.. esp when i have nth to do during the wait..

went to the old casino wif em b4 having our lunch..


me & baozhu ( brandon's gf )



aft lunch, we went continue walking ard & bump into him at some ulu place that i myself never tot we will be able to meet.. that's when we had the less den 3 min conversation.. felt quite weird... duno i should use wat tone to tok to him... lost~~~

went to our room & rest for a while b4 going to the ktv...


wrestling competition in our room.. haha..


the mysterious hand contributed by baozhu.. hehe..


brandon, qc, me & baozhu..

they brought into a room tat's so cute.. its filled wif this cartoon character & i gt crazy... kp taking photos in there.. haha..


its damn cute rite..


the pearl.. hehe..

at nite, we played MJ in our 'gaming room'.. its an extra room that i booked.. played n drk there until 3 plus... gt damn knocked out.. was glad tat i am at least still sober enuff to walk back from that room to our own hotel room.. but the moment i reached the room, i jux concussed..

the next day, me & qc woke up ard 10 plus & had the day to ourself cause we dun wan to go to the theme park.. in e end, we went to watch die hard 4.. its really damn nice..

we met em for dinner at nite & walk ard the place aft tat.. the weather tat nite is quite cooling.. how i wish my ipod is working den i can jux sit at the theme park there n rot for an hour or so.. haha..


our group photo..


me & mr qc..


look at how brandon is bullying his gf....

we went to the park aft that.. sit there n chatted for almost an hour b4 going back for MJ in e room.. play until 2 plus tis time round b4 going back to the hotel room & slp....

last day at genting, we went to the casino in e morning b4 going to catch transformer.. had the osim chair tis time round.. really damn shiok.. wonder when will singapore has tis facilities..

that marks the end of the whole genting trip.... ~~end of vacation~~

i really felt the genting trip tis time round is a joke for me... on e very 1st day, on e bus there, my mp3 hang the moment i on it.. cant off it nor do anything to it but to let it be like tat until all e batt has been used up.. i haf charged it to the max at the office, fearing tat i wont haf enuff batt to last me there but in e end, i used up all the batt w/o even listening to any songs!! jux how suay can i get??? i am like so handicapped w/o all my music tat kept me occupied wif my tots... well, thk its a signal to me tat tis trip is not gonna be a gd one....

today, i went to charge the stupid ipod.. trying whether its ok or not b4 i bring it down for servicing.. well.... it was perfectly fine!!! wa... thk all tis is jux fated la.. heaven jux dun wan me to listen to my songs there & let me thk things thru alone like the other time.... really damn pek cek la... like wat qc told me, thk no one will believe wat i am saying now la.. cause its jux too coincident le.... argh~~~~ why everything is going against me at that pt of time??? is tat a way to tell me tat i am wrong to go there at that time??? well, judging from wat's happening to me, i thk it is....

den lawrence ask me today when i am in e office whether i still gt any free room stay there cause he wanna organise a short trip at e end of the mth for us... can u believe?? i might be going there soon again... tis time round, i really gt phobia to go there.. not because i had gone there for a couple of times within tis few mths but because of wat's happening to me during tis trip....

din really relax myself at all... stil felt damn stressed out & not relieve of anything.. i was still hoping that tis short getaway will at least release some stresss & make me more refresh so tat i can recharge & feel more motivated to work... but i thk its making things worse instead.. cause i din relax at all during the trip & during my day away, my workload build up.... there's so much follow-up & submission to complete... den there's still tis corporate roadshow thingy on mon... which means, there's more follow-up & documentation coming up....

nowadays, my life is jux all abt work, tuition & slp... no time to even acc my family, let alone go out wif frenz... duno will haf the time to go n watch harry potter or not.... haiz.. why am i pushing myself so hard???

came across sth like a zodiac thingy.. the title is "情傷後最容易得後遺症的星座".. surprisingly, i am among the top 3.. tat's wat the results say~~~

雖說水瓶們聰明絕頂，可惜愛情公式卻不是他們的強項，讓他們暈頭轉向卻又找不到出路的這種感覺會讓他們很害怕...

seriously, i thk its quite accurate.. :p

为何永远放不低..为何错爱这一位..但求仍然维系不惜一切..我为你执迷...
为何永远放不低..任情爱控制身体..任谁关心仍未可把你代替.......


jux reached home not long ago.. tis genting trip was the most unbearable one that i had among all the 3 times that i had within tis 2 mths... i tot the previous one was the worse already, well i am wrong.. totally wrong...

tis time round, i went wif qc, brandon & his gf.. its wif another grp of my frenz, 1st time going there alone wif my gang but i am not enjoying myself at all.. its not because they are not fun to be wif or anything.. the problem lies totally wif me..

i jux felt damn unhappy & even the cool air there cant do anything to relieve me of tat sad feeling... knowing tat he was there too but tis time round, we are like so far apart... he was jux staying right beside the room on top of my level but i only saw him for like 2-3 times & we only tok once, which lasted like less den 3 min... as for the other times, he was wif his frenz, so i din go over to say hi or anything.. dun wan to disturb his trip & dun dare to go over ba... me feeling weird n sad is enuff le, no need to drag another person in... the feeling of so near yet so far is really killing me.... although most of the time i stil can luff & joke wif qc they all, but inside i know i am feeling damn empty... i am jux not myself...

went to the ktv wif em on e 1st nite, the waiter brought us to the room 2 rooms away from the 'past' one... ha.. either i will be in there or i will jux be ard the vincinity, thk i jux cant run away... while walking to the washroom, i purposely walk there.. told u guys, i am not myself at all!! den last nite, we went to the park, tis time round, its in e nite.. same timing as the last time i went wif him but there's no mist or fog... can see the sky & the scenery below very very clearly... there are alot of stars hanginh on the sky, its really very beautiful.. how i wish he was there wif me at tat pt of time.... felt really empty while i was there wif em.. although i did join in the conversation & joke, but most of the time, i am jux drifting away in my tots... tot abt alot of things... things tat until tis pt of time i am not able to solve or clear em...

did tot of calling him in his room on both nites.. but i jux dun haf the courage to do it.. scare that he might find it weird why i call him, scare that there might be no one in the room to ans the call, scare that i might disturb his slp, scare of rejection, scare of alot of things...

i know myself too well.. i know i wont be truthful of my own feelings or tots when i am here in singapore.. i need to be out of the country b4 i really face my true feelings & can express myself beta... its such a gd opportunity but i jux miss it & let it go jux like tat....

i wanted to ask him out for coffee & haf a chat over there cause there'a so much things tat i wanted to say to him, to tell him.. i tot tat tis trip is a gd chance for me to do so but fate is jux playing a joke on us... we jux din happened to bump straight into one another aft the 1st meeting... another thing is, i gif him e wrong no. to my room.. i jux gt mixed up b/w the last 2 no. of my room & brandon's room.... thk tis is really fate... 1st time i make such a big mistake..... tat's y he cant manage to get me.... well, mayb some things are really fated or meant to be kept inside & not spoken out...

i hate myself for not plucking up my courage to call him in his room.. hate myself for being such a coward at that pt of time... hate myself for being so blur as to rem the room no. wrongly.. finally, hate myself for not being able to let go of all tis...

had been feeling damn tired tis days... really din expect that office job will be tat tiring also.. can u imagine i slp from 9pm on sat until the next morning.. haha..

went back to the office as usual.. gt quite alot of follow up to do.. damn stressed today.. mux be due to the monday blues thing tat causes everyone to be so stressed.. haha..

tuition was cancelled today... wanted to go to ecp for dinner wif lawrence one but sth crops up in e office.. end up working until 8 plus.. din even haf dinner den haf to come home le cause haven pack for my genting trip tml.. clarence msg me & ask me out together wif barn but really no time today.. damn packed... thk can only meet em next wk when i come back from genting le ba.. den next mon still gt corporate roadshow.. wa.. damn shag...

erm.. muz really mention that the prata near my workplace is damn 'nap'... haf been eating for like 3 or 4 days a wk le but still craving for it.. well.. if this goes on, thk b4 long, i will become a fatty.. haha.....

jux finished packing my bag.. felt damn guilty cause haven been bonding wif my family tis days.. e moment i reached home, most of em are going to bed le or when i am at home, my mum will be out lo... haiz.. den tml going to genting, cant bond wif em again.. really felt quite bad abt it...

thk its really a coincident, tml will be the date when things happened 2 mths back.. going back there again 2 mths later on e same date, e feelings is abit weird.. haha.... time flies ah, so fast 2 mths le... felt abit weird at work today... duno isit because of tis or due to the stress.... thk i need to let the cool wind there to 'unblock' my mind again.. hehe...

finally has the time to come online & upload those photos that we took in genting last wk.. gonna go back again next wk wif qc they all so beta settled those from the previous trip one cause i thk tis time round, we gonna take alot of photos also...

the 1st day there was damn cold.. we went to haf our lunch at somewhere inside the carpark of highland hotel.. ha.. surprised rite, we managed to find an eating place there.. photos aft lunch... the weather is damn misty...


my mum & sis..


my mummy...


dun thk my dad know i took this pic of him.. hehe..

its actually fathers' day when we reached there so we decided to go to haf buffet dinner at cafe terrace to sort of like celeb it.. since its a 'grand' occassion, definitely its normaly for e gals to doll up rite.. den its natural for us to take more photos.. haha.. so........


there comes the bimbotic me...


together wif my sis...





wanted to take a family photo one during dinner one but there's no one helping us cause the waiters were all very busy & we dun wan to trouble those patrons.. sad case... :(


went to the area outside the restaurant where we took the photos the other time aft dinner .. cause taking pic of the places that are significant to me is one of the objectives for me to go back there... :)


the scenery outside the restuarant...


tis is my fav. ferris wheel...


& the dazzling spinner ride.....

the next day, my dad went back to singapore cause of his work thingy.. as for us we remained there until thur.. took quite a few pics during the time.. also forget the actual timing when we took it le....



dun we look cute here.. hehe


my sis is jux like me, very zi lian.. haha.. (tat's y we are sis!! )


took tis while waiting for my pizza~~


and tis while waiting for my turn to sing... :)

tat's only the tip of the iceberg.. haha.. dun thk gonna upload all of em... scare my blog cannot take it.. hehe...

ha.. went out wif my colleagues & lawrence aft work.. went to the ktv at civics centre.. 1st time went out wif em, its like a team bonding thingy.. its really fun working in a group esp when we are all very siao.. haha.. well, all of em can sing quite well lo.. erm~~ are all telemarketers gd singers?? ha.. cause its e case for our team.. hehe...

sing until 1 & jeremy send me home.. 2nd time riding a bike.. still as 'bim' cause i duno how to go up n down of the bike.. haha.. was knocked out the moment i reached home.. den tis morn, woke up at 8 again to go to work.. half way thru the day i am damn shag out already..

went to pinang corner to haf my lunch with em.. stone all e way aft lunch.. thk i am really very very tired from all e calling & busy schedule tis wk.. really thk i super up lo.. every day aft work gt sth on & is those end late in e nite prog... muz really stop all tis already.. damn tired ah~~~

finally can rest tml at home hopefully.. haha.. alot of things haven done yet.. like my genting photos are still not uploaded.. gonna upload them later.. hope i wont get tempted by my bed & went to bed instead.. hehe.. i miss playing MJ... i wanna MJ~~

has been damn damn busy tis days.. busy until gt no time to go online to blog even when i haf access to the internet almost everyday in e office... haven been home for earlier den 10 tis days.. even on tue, when i went to book the genting tic, i tot i could go back home early like 8 or 9 but in e end, only managed to reach aft 1030..

as for yest, haf to acc geraldine darling to zouk cause its like her last 3 nites there le.. in another 3 wks time she will be leaving for sydney & hanxiong, going to army.. thk wont be going so frequently to club anymore.. nowadays, i am more work oriented.. haha.. wanna earn as much $$$ as possible during tis holidays.. hehe...

really vert busy tis days la.. dun haf time to thk abt alot of other stuffs other den work.. cause when i haf time, i will rather slp now.. hehe.. quite excited abt the genting trip..

still at the office now.. dun thk will be going back any sooner.. so beta come n blog here 1st cause thk by the time i reached home i will jux be knocked out completely le... its a hectic day today.. 1st day the office start operation, gt alot of things to attend to.. woke up damn early in e morning.. thk for the next few days will be having tis kind of lifestyle... luckily the tuition was cancelled tonight, else will be worse...

chatted wif him on e line.. felt abit weird.... mayb we are still at the pt when we are trying to find a appropriate way to tok to each other ba.. :) saw his new nick.... well, felt abit sian when i saw it.. no choice, we haf to move on ah... its jux the rite way... thk its normal for me to feel tat way ba.. if i dun den thk i will be very heartless lo.. haha..

MC said whenever he saw my blog he felt damn sad.. erm.... ok la.. its not really so jia lat as wat u guys see it la... my life is filled wif happiness & fun also ah.. like i am going to genting once again le.. haha.. tis time round wif qc they all... quite excited abt it... hehe.. thk gonna play until damn 'feng' tis time round.. already plan wat we gonna do there le.. haha... jux hope tat mr billy can go wif us lo.. still cannot contact him.. thk he is still diving duno at where ah... haha...

heard tis song when i went to the ktv wif him.. din really catch the lyrics until today... it jux describe wat happened to me last wk, when i was at genting.. wat's diff is the days tat i wanted everything to go back to the past.... ha....

realise wat am i doing there at that pt finally aft reading the lyrics.. i thk i totally dun understand & duno how to express myself now.. only when listening to the songs den i know at tat pt of time, how am i feeling... its like so pathetic....
tat's some of the lyrics tat i thk fully express how i feel but i only manage to realise it now...

自以为是的从容...不想你把心放空....却忘了旅行终究得回头.... 我在回来时把倔强遗忘在入境的门口...再也无处可躲满身的失落... 没有你的我终于开始感到寂寞...过去这期间我的无所谓...全都是谎言....

i overestimate myself, thking i can jux heck care abt everything.. in order not to thk & feel the pain, i empty out all the feelings inside my heart... but i forgot tat every vacation will end no matter wat, i still mux come back to face everything... i always say n tell myself i mux leave everything behind once i am back... i did to some extent & felt sth which i cant explain.. now den i know wat tat feeling is.... watever i did & said during tis period are all lies.... lies tat should be said to let everything go the way it should go.....

finally manage to haf some time on my own today.. haf been going out since the day i came back.. gt a chance to slp until quite late today & slack ard at home.. will be having a very busy wk ahead.. dun thk haf the change to slp & laze ard until weekend le.. wan to make myself very busy, only like tis i will not let my mind go & thk abt other stuffs... at least its a healthy way to forget abt things rather den drking...

the genting thingy has sort of finalised le.. will be going to book the tour package on tue if nth crops up.. but the room thingy still haven settled.. shall see how it goes over the days...

had a super busy day today.. woke up early in e morning cause gotta meet lawrence to go back to the office for some product trg & management thingy.. as usual, meet him at sembawang & go down together.. ta bao our breakfast & went straight to the office aft tat..

aft an hour plus trg, we went to ikea to get some furniture for e office.. quite long din go there le but its still as crowded... spend quite some time there walking ard, looking & deciding how should we 'decorate' the office.... den went to haf our lunch & takeaway their famous chicken wings b4 going back to the office..

his frenz was already waiting for us there le... he came to help out wif e server thingy.. as for me, felt damn seh when i went back there.. thk its because of the stupid weather.. felt beta aft resting & i started helping him to assemble the bookshelf.. haha.. wat a great achievement lo.. i help in assembling the bookshelf & did quite a gd job.. haha.. thk i am not really a 'bim' after all.. hehe...

was quite worried abt him, so decide to msg him.. glad that he was getting on fine... :) den continue to help out wif the office until 5 plus when we went to Sim Lim to get some comp stuffs.. the laptop there is damn cheap lo.. really tempted to get one for myself but gt budget contrain... haiz...

went back again to the office & helped out until 8 cause i need to rush to jean's darling bday party.. all my frenz haf reached already, only left me who is still at bugis.. waited freaking long for that stupid bus... by the time i reached there, its already close to 920... she had already cut the cake le.. felt quite bad lo... sorry darling for reaching so late.. :(


that's the pretty bday gal....



met up wif brandon, wilson & guochao.. super long never see em le, esp guochao... thk gt more den half a yr ba.. den we discuss abt the genting trip.. qing cheng is ok.. as for brandon & wilson, they say mux ask their gf 1st b4 confirming wif me.. qc & me kp suaning them, saying tat's one bad thing abt being attached.. haha.. but thk more or less should be settled le la.. its only left wif e rooom's pro... cause caleb might be going wif jean.. so they will be sharing a room ba.. den left me & qc... duno whether he will be asking his colleague along or not?? if yes den i will be having the room for myself all alone.... well.. shall see how it goes lo..


tat's a few of my uni close guy frenz...


uni group photo... ( but nt the full strength cause mr billy has gone diving.... )

we stayed until 10 & left the party cause qc gt a MJ date whereas wilson & brandon wanted to go to play pool at CCK.. so i joined em, since i will be taking the same way back as wilson at e end of e day.. guochao joined us in e end..

super long never play pool already.. thk gt almost 2 yrs.. felt damn sia suay playing wif em lo.. esp brandon, thk he can play quite well... i only play one game, dun wan to throw face too much ah.. haha... we played for a while only, has to catch the last train back...


smapshots!!! jux look at their pose.. hehe...

was checking abt the packages to genting online jux now.. gonna call up the agency to ask em abt the trip... will try to cfm wif em asap as qc need to reschedule his swimming lesson.. quite excited abt it, thk its e 1st time we haf such an outing.. come to thk of it, we din even haf a dinner thingy wif the full strength getting together b4..

woke up early tis morn cause my mum asked me to fetch her to SGH last min... quite hectic cause muz rush to town den come back again.. went to alvin's place to get the textbook from him b4 sending my mum back home.. den went to meet him to pass him sth..

seeing him for the 1st time aft i came back from my genting trip.. well, i was quite skeptical abt tis meeting.. duno isit a correct move to meet him so soon or not.. am scare tat the finally settled emotions will be swayed once i met him...

he came to meet me specially at wlds b4 we went to town together.. din really tok much on the train.. dun dare to tok abt & mention alot of things also.. had sushi buffet for lunch & eat until damn full... went for ktv aft tat.. tat's like our usual rountine everytime.. haha.. s'pore really gt nth much to do la..

tis time round, i din pick those songs tat i'll usually sing wif him.. i dun wish to bring everything back once again.. i dun wan to end up like e other time when my emotions got the beta of me & make me lose it completely.. its been so hard for me to suppress everything down, i dun wan to ruin it.... but when he sang the blog song, i felt sth.... i know tis song meant sth to us, esp how he felt now... i can feel the tears inside my eyes.. as usual, force it back again... i dun wan to cry in front of him & make him feel guilty or sorry towards me... i haf been trying my best to act as if eveything is fine le.. i dun wan my effort to go down the drain...

i already say to myself tat, when i leave genting, i will not go n thk abt anything anymore but its hard... he kept asking me i got anything to tell him or not... i thk i gt alot but i duno how to say everything out... duno where to start also... my mind was in a blank... i dun wish to thk abt anything cause from the past experience, once i thk abt it, i will once again feel 'she bu de'... which is wat i dun wan to feel cause tis time round, i muz really let go le... so i dun wan anything to deter me from doing tat...

i can sense tat he is not happy at all today.. not his usual cheerful self... thk my presence really make him very miserable... tis is not sth i wan.. i haf hold him back for very long le, should not do it any further... i felt quite guilty towards him cause i know i am the one causing him all e pain.. try to cheer him up although i know it will not help much also.. like wat he say, time is e best healer... wat he needs now is time to get over everything ba.. but its so contradicting.. i know the only way for him to get back his life n feel happy again is when he forget abt me or haf no feelings towards me anymore... but i dun wish tat to happen... life is jux full of irony & contradiction......

he sent me back home... din feel as bad as the other time.. tis time round, i understand tat time will not stop for us... it will jux continue to move no matter how hard u wish tat everything can stop jux for u.. there will still come the time when i will reach home & let go of his hand eventually... so why not jux behave very 'siao sa' in front of him rather den showing him i am sad & make him feel sad also...

he kept saying that i am a strong person today.. mayb its due to how i behave & said to him ba... i sounds like i am fine already, everything settled, not looking back anymore.. i even comfort him & ask him dun thk so much abt it anymore.. well, its jux a pretence... ya, everything is settled but i am not fine completely... i am doing all tis because i wan him to thk tat i haf moved on so he should also... its time for him to do tat le.... as far as i hate it, i thk its e best for him tis way ba....

2 mths... tat's how long tis thing lasted.. i am jux a passer-by in his life, adding some colors to his life.. duno wat color haf i added.. hope its sth tat he likes & will keep it forever... :)

took a nap at e hotel tis afternoon.. the life here is super relac... really can make u forget abt everything, dun feel like leaving here at all.. cause the moment i leave here, i mus face everything again back in spore.. be it work, studies or other stuffs... really am afraid i will once again feel suffocated when i go back to S'pore... tat's y i mux come here more often since i am having the free room stay wif em... hehe... finally understand why my mum love to come here....

managed to walk ard today.. my mum has gone to the theme park wif my sis, so left me all alone w/o nth to do.. so decide to walk to the park since i gt the time.. taking the same way e other time but tis time i am walking alone.. actually i am quite afraid to go back there cause for the past 2 days, i am trying my best to suppress all the feelings n stuffs le.. finally, everything has sort of settled down more or less... so i am scare when i go back there, i will stir up those feelings again.. but jux like wat i say, i wan to settle everything b4 i went back cause aft tat i dun wish to thk abt it anymore.. the best way to do tat is to face it so i went...

did felt sth... sth did stir up n mess up my finally calm down emotions alittle... mayb tis time round, i went in the day.. no fog, no wind n stuffs like the other time.. or mayb i have done a gd job in suppressing my feelings le..tat's y its not as bad as i tot it would be... eh.... actually i also duno la.. i duno is tat my true feelings or isit a feeling i felt under the circumstances...

went to the KTV wif my sis.. of all the 100 over rooms there, the waitress brought me to the same one which i went wif him last time.. i thk either heaven is really making fun of me or he is trying to test my limit... i haf gone to the civics centre KTV for so long & never go back to the same room everytime... but tis one, i only went twice & both is the same room!!! tis really reminds me of our time spent there.. argh~~~ thk i jux cant run away from all tis....

i haf always wanted to go into the outdoor theme park at nite cause everything looks really beutiful wif all the lightings, esp the merry-go-round & spinner.. as far as i rem, the theme park closes at 10.. but the other time when i came wif him, it closes at 7 lo.. thk really no fate to go in wif him.. tis time round, manage to go wif my sis.. its e 1st time i went in there at nite... its quite nice & as usual, its very cold.. but i jux love the cool tinge the breeze leaves on my face.. it really perks u up & 'blows' away ur worries....

sth happened b/w me & my bro.. nearly caused me to cry & carefully kept emotions to burst out... no one was wif me to comfort me or share all tis wif me... dun wan to tell my mum abt wat happened cause thk there's no pt telling her.. might make things worse onlly.... felt damn lonely, helpless & useless at that time.. thus, i broke a promise that was supposed to be kept... mayb u can say tat's an excuse but well.......... nvm.....

really felt very relunctant to leave here.. can i jux stay there for like a mth.. haha.. well, genting is jux like a human's heart.. ppl comes n goes.. its jux a matter of how long they will stay only.. no one will stay there forever ba... at 1st, they are jux curious abt the place so they thk its interesting & wants to stay longer... but as time passes by, they will realise tat, its not as interesting as they tot it is in the 1st place.. there's no more 'xin xian gan'.. tat's when they start to look for other places for 'hols'.... haha.. wat a weird analogy rite??

the weather here is only 15 degrees now.. super cold, jux like how i feel inside my heart now.. was sitting alone outside the entrance to the outdoor theme park, hoping the cold wind can make my mind clearer so that I can process n thk abt wat he said to me tis afternoon.. had the urge to cry a lot of times but I jux force em back.. ever since tis afternoon, i duno wat i am feel already.. i jux know there's tis thing weighing on my heart & its making me hard to breathe... the pain is slowly coming back to find me.. heart really feel very very pain now, esp aft chatting wif him..

once again, i haf tot too highly of myself le.. i tot i haf tot it thru but hearing wat he say still has impact even though its already wat I expected…. Well, I should i say i am left wif no choice at all but to make myself accept the fact readily & make tat decision.. actually its lame when I say I make tat decision cause all along, either me or him are the not the one making any decision cause there is no choice or other way out for us at all… it’s a fact known, known very long time ago but I jux ignored it cause I really cant bear to face it… now, comes the time when I cant ‘ tao bi’ anymore... tis genting trip is actually one tat i come here to re-live everything one last time cause aft tis, everything will be kept inside a corner of my heart which will be locked up.. duno when will i go n open it up again le.... mths, yrs or mayb never….. but I know, I will try my best to kp it safely.. no one can take it away from me….

i will not be so heartless as to throw everything away.. cause i dun wan to forget all tis also...... so i am trying to feel & gone thru everything we had gone thru tis 6-7 wks.... but, its really very torturing..... why i jux love to torture myself?? argh..... i know i will feel the sadness, loneliness & emptiness when i visit those placse but i jux cant help & go there....

seriously, the longer i stay here in genting, the more unreal tat trip seems to be... it really seems like a dream, din really happened b4... well, it might not be a bad thing also.. mayb i might jux convince myself tat wat happened is actually a dream one day, like tat it might not be so hurting at all...

was reading thru my blog entry yest.. actually i really cant rem wat i haf wrote until i saw it tis afternoon... i duno wat i am writing at that pt of time also... even now, i also duno wat i am writing.. jux shoot n type nonsense.. haha.. thk my blog is really full of rubbish....

aft tis trip ends, i will not go n thk abt it anymore.... the wall will start to build the moment i leave here & i will try my best not to let anything break it down anymore tis time round... not getting into any r/s relating stuff or wat any time sooner.. I dun wish to feel the pain.. its really too much for me to bear… I really cant take it anymore…

sitting at the starbuck at the indoor theme park now.. in front of me is the ferris wheel that i always love looking at.. its really very beautiful.. too bad, its indoor, or else i thk it will be damn gorgeous.. mayb its the lighting or mayb its due to the myth of the ferris wheel.. haha.. gals will always be gals...

rem the phobia that i told u guys abt?? i was having it tis morning when we were on our way up here to genting.. taking the same old route as the past but things are damn diff.. felt quite emotional during the journey.. tot i would feel worse when i am up here... well, i did... but its not as bad as i imagined it would be...

pass by some of the places & some memories flashed back.. its not as hard as i imagined also.. mayb i din really go n thk abt it also.. now i am like quite normal, not really feeling anything.. i really duno isit a gd thing or not.. i am here to find back myself but i am now like doing nth & thking abt nth at all.. its more like a relaxation trip & a trip tat let me come here to 'tao bi' the reality & not facing it at all..

i am jux like my normal self.. doing all those normal things tat i will do when i am here wif my family wif occassional memories of him & me flashing pass my mind when i pass by some places.. din really specially go to the park n stuff cause i dun thk my mum will let me go there alone.. but.. i nearly did a stupid thing today.. i nearly walk to the room that we stayed here e other time... haha..

dun thk i will be going back anytime soon.. haven really fulfil the purpose of me coming here.. eh.. actually i duno lei.. thk i am still at the blur n confuse state ba.... going back to the casino aft this.. pray tat i will win ba... hehe..

goint tml genting wif my parents tml le.. not feeling the least excited abt the trip at all... the place bear too much memories le... everywhere i go i will be reminded of our times there, there's no place for me to eescape.. the worse part is i haf to take it all alone, wif no shoulder, frenz or watsoever to depend on.. not even my blog....

mayb in the 1st place i did wrongly le.. i shouldnt go wif em for the trip, the memories that i wan in e 1st place is actually the one tat is hurting me the most now.. taking the same road, going to the same place & doing the same thing but the feelings are so different now.. from happiness to loneliness... wat a big contrast.... i know i will go back to all the places where we went b4 during my trip alone tis time round.. guess u guys muz be thking since all tis things will make u feel bad n upset, why will u wan to go thru it?? well, thk tat's human beings ba.. they like to feel the pain.. its e only thing tat i can do to tell me tat, things really did happened & i really do exist in tis world...

i know things will surely change tis time round... in fact i thk its already changing now le... i duno its him or me.. i duno i am or he is changing because of the circumstances which forces us to change or because both of us has had enough... well, sometimes in life, u jux cant find an ans to a qns cause knowing the truth might not be a gd thing.. but come to thk of it, wo yi jing zhuan dao le.. cause things should haf changed a mth back... at least i gt earn a mth le ah.. hehe..

like wat he said during the call jux now... i should use tis trip to find myself back.. i really duno wat i am doing tis days & i felt like a zombie now.. while on the train listening to the mp3, i tried to make myself thk but i cant.. nearly cried but forced the tears back.. alighted at marsiling & want to walk home but in e end, i found myself walking to the park nearby instead... while walking ard the park, i realise tat there are tears on my cheek... found a seat & started stoning there.. really nth goes in & come out of my mind at all.. its like BLANK w/o anything.. den i found tat i am not feeling anything also... no sadness, no emptiness, no nth... i jux walked home like tat as if nth has happened.... wats all tis!!! theres no logic behind all those things tat i haf done at all....

even at tis pt now, i dun feel anything.. haf i gone back to the stage when i am void of any feelings again?? haf i built up the defense already?? or mayb i am jux too tired to feel anything now le, its jux tat i haven realise it only.. well, i really duno.. tat's y i thk the genting trip might not be a bad thing aft all.. change of environment & time alone, with no one able to reach me...

jux finish chatting wif him online.. actually i no need to go to genting to know whether i am really void of feelings or not cause i can feel the........... all the things started because of selfishness.. if it werent for me, he wont be feeling those unneccessary feelings also... me feeling upset is because i brought it upon myself, no need to feel sorry towards but as for him, its because i brought it upon him.....

i will try my best to fulfil all those promises i made which is within my limits to him cause i know very clearly how its like to be when someone break the promise they made to u... i hate tis feeling totally & i dun wan to cause it on others too.. tis vicious cycle should not continue...

i will try n see whether i can come online at genting or not.. so u guys need to get me, jux type at my msn ba...

jux reached home not long ago from work.. was working at the office the whole day but felt damn sei & listless.. having tis super hangover tis morning when i wake up.. pop 2 panadol b4 i went to bath n get ready for work.. really very sei... dun haf any appetite today & my head feels very heavy.. 1st time in my life tat i haf a hangover.. finally felt how it feels & tis will be my 1st & last time feeling tat.. i swear to myself tat i will not let drk until tat stage again anymore.. NEVER!!!

super duper sia suay yest.. i always say i dun like gals to drk until they sit at the street there n puke but yest i did tat & its next to the river somemore.. worse thing is he is there next to me when i puke... really super pai seh la... i really cant even stand n walk at tat pt of time.. so he went to get me some drks while i stayed there.. there is tis really kind-hearted couple who came over & asked whether i am alrite & stuff.. really appreciate wat they did.. den come the funny part, 2 hotel security walked by & tot i want to jump into the river... super lost~~~

well, really hate myself yest.. argh~~ AND he saw everything..... all the worse part of me......... 1st guy who saw my most unglam, vulnerable & weak side... i haf never allow myself to get so drunk b4 cause i dun wan to be taken care of by others.. i rather be e one taking care of others den e other way round.. i jux dun feel secured getting drunk outside.. the worst i haf done is jux puke but i am still conscious... as for yest, i was knocked out completely at some pt... am glad tat he was with me cause i know i am in very good hand & i know i can trust him.... hehe... but felt very sorry towards him cause he haf to take care of a super cho lo drunk woman who is very heavy..

alcohol is really a scary thing.. it can make u lose urself!! haha.. super lost it yest.. dun thk i'll be touching alcohol anytime soon.. got phobia now, esp long island tea!!! i thk i blabber alot of rubbbish but i cant seem to recall wat exactly i say... mayb its a gd thing also... dun wan to learn abt it when i am sober now & sia suay myself once again... haha.. he sent me back home & i slp all the way thruout the journey... mux really thx him for taking care of me & sending me home.. :)

very pai seh towards huili & qiujie cause i din managed to find them & tell them i am leaving 1st.. sorry babes.. we shall go down n club soon!! tis time round, muz drag ms anna to go wif us.. cannot let her off anymore.. hehe...

finally start work today le.. went to sembawang to meet lawrence b4 going to his yishun office to get the stuff.. took a cab down aft tat.. went to meet him cause wanna pass him sth.. had a short meeting, cause need to go back n help lawrence wif the setting up.. stayed until 6 plus cause need to go to holland v to celeb bao ge ge bday..

haf been celeb his bday there for 2 consecutive yrs.. i reached there quite early & saw johnson there le.. chat up wif him n know tat he is now studying at SIM too but its a diff course as mine.. aft dinner, we went ard to get cake for bao ge b4 going down to wala-wala..


the 2 'ahs' left... 1 went abroad, e other cannot be found...

ever since shu's bday i haven been going there le.. sit there & haf some catching up session while waiting for serene to bring bao ge over.. he was quite surprised to see us when serene removed his blindfold.. thk he muz be damn touched.. hehe..


the 4 convention steps....


the guys...


the gals...


serene was very innovative.. she printed a pic of ah li & bring it wif her.. like tat, ah li is consider to be 'present' at the celeb.. super funny la.. tat's my JC gang, always doing all tis funny n sia suay thing.. haha... but its really damn fun.. long live to my JC gang......


that's our ms ah li who is abroad....

look at how funny we are.....


bao ge & ah li... ( the loggerhead )


jackson & ah li ( the childhood sweetheart.. haha... )


the cutie 4... hehe..


my wonderful JC gang....

ok, last but no least...... let's end the day wif.......


the ms BIM......

was very busy today.. woke up quite early cause going to e market wif mummy to get the ingredient for yam paste.. yest had already finish peeling the ginko.. peel until hand super pain but tat's not the worse part.. the worse thing happen today..

as you guys know, we cant touch yam wif our bare hand cause the juice or duno wat will make us itchy.. thus i use glove but it din help at all... it took me super long to finish peeling n cutting it.. but the most draining thing comes later.. its the mashing process.. cause i dun haf a blender so muz do everything using my own hand.. i took more den 2.5 hours to finish mashing the whole thing.. mux be wondering why i took so long rite.. cause i wan to make it soft n smooth.. tis needs time n STRENGTH.. guess if i kp doing tis, i will haf a 'xiao lao shu' soon.. hehe..

aft tat, still haf to stir fry it & cook the ginko.. only managed to finish everything ard 4 plus.. wa.. next time rather buy at dessert store den cook it again..

today is a special day.. i haf stepped into my singlehood for EXACTLY 2 yrs.. where's my cake wif the candles??? hehe.. time flies... 2 yrs... wat haf i achieved tis 2 yrs?? gt into UNI, becoming fatter, complexion becoming worse... haha.. okok.. tat's the physical thing which everyone knows.. as for those things tat ppl duno, some i also duno myself.. ppl always say tat when u grow older, u get to know urself beta.. well, tat doesnt seems to apply to me at all.. i become more n more unfathomable.. sometimes i also duno wat i am feeling is true or a feeling tat i convince myself i mux feel at tat pt of time.. cause tat's supposedly the 'right' one..

really dun understand wat i wan more n more.. felt like a stranger.. becoming more n more like a old woman also.. kp slacking n rotting at home.. well, let's hope when i start working, i will start to behave n live like an energetic young woman once again.. super mono lifestyle now.. i need some color n spices in my life.. everything seem so black n white.. ( should say its more like black for me )

i wanna go on a vacation to find myself back.. i thk i haf lost it le ba.. gotta find it back soon.. felt lost at times, duno wat i wan in my life n duno whether tat's the true me, sitting here typing... its so scary... isit because of the society tat cause me to behave tis way or isit because of wat i went thru?? i am like closing myself up from others, dun wan to contact anyone tis days.. wan to distance from others... i felt tat human being can be very scary, u duno wat they are thking.. u duno whether they are true to u or not.. u duno whether they treat u the way because they are sincere or because they haf other motives.. & its very tiring to go n guess or analyse their actual intention.. i really feel very tired wif all tis 'games'... guess i am really a lazy bum....

was looking thru my docomo pic last yr.. quite sad tat tis yr i cant be working there.. argh.. its so fun working there, esp when u can touch n play wif all the lastest handset from japan & get to know their new technology.. not to mention their pay.. argh~~ why did i screw up tat interview!!!

was listening to the songs & looking thru my entries last mth.. while looking at it, its as if i was looking at somebody elses life.. its like not mine at all.. i really cant believe i went thru all tis.. ha..

its so strange.. during my exams time when i should conc on my studies, so much things happened.. at tat pt, time is already not enuff for me to revise le.. but i still haf to share it to manage all those stuffs.. now, exams has ended.. i haf so much time to thk n slack but i dun feel anything now.. wa... its jux like on rainy day when u need a cab there's none in sight but when u dun need it, there's so many on e road....

was chatting wif anna.. chat abt how we used to gif our exs chance when they disappoint or make us sad.. we are so alike.. well, mayb that time is our 1st r/s.. we duno where is our limit & how hurtful it is.. as for now, things are diff ba...

went to my aunt's place yest.. pass by JJC & quite alot of memories flash back.. it has been 5 yrs since i 1st study there.. cant believe tat some of my JC classmates are going out to work now le.. haiz.. cant dun admit tat i am old..

nth seems to change there from the exterior.. i can still rem all those lame things we did together & the 'ahs' gang.. wif ah ma always singing the 'dim sum' song, andy & jackson (known as a skinny & fatty team) always bullying our innocent & blur grace.. haha.. on top of that, the stupid 'wu gui ce' game.. wa.. there's so much more la.. really miss em.. come to realise because of our busy schedule & our own life, we are not that close now le.. well, tat's life ba.. ppl come n go in ur life... wat we can do is to treasure the person when he happens to be in ur life now... sad to say, its a very simple logic but always hard to achieve..

we went to holland v to haf our dinner & shop ard there aft tat... din stay for long cause there's nth much to shop in e 1st place.. aft dinner, we went back to my aunt's place cause my mum wanna play MJ there & i haf to send her back home aft the game.. as my goddad is not home yet, i play in his place 1st.. thk i am really addicted to MJ tis time round le.. so sad, cause genting doesnt haf MJ there or else i can play there during my trip next wk... really duno how to survive the 5 days there..

went to JB wif mummy yest.. its a last min thingy cause at 1st they wan to go down to chinatown for dim sum one but i need to meet teck in e evening so find it a hassle to go to town specially n come back..

been weeks since i last went in there... as usual, we went there to eat at Kim Gary.. love their food there.. yum yum.. hehe.. aft tat, we shop ard the shopping centre.. wanted to get the vest but its out of stock le.. in e end, i din get anything from there..

we went back in e evening & reach cwp jux in time to meet him.. he complained say i was late la.. super gek gao lo... he changed quite abit.. duno how to say but feel that he changed.. maybe during this 1 whole yr period, tat special someone in his life has changed him or because of wat happened in his life tat made or force him to change ba.. but there's one thing tat remains e same.. we still love to bicker wif each other & most of the time, i still lose to him... i really cant stand him la.. still as lame as ever....

things have really gone back to the time when we 1st started as frenz.. cant believe we haf known each other for 5 yrs le.. time flies rite.. in another few more days, i will be stepping into the 2nd yr of my singlehood...

when i saw him tis time round, there's no more special type of feelings anymore.. thk time is really the best thing in tis world to let the 'wound' heal & let the heart 'cool off'... we din really catch up much, most of the time i am the one asking him qns... but i din ask in depth also cause i dun wan him to feel like being interrogated by an officer.. hehe.. so tis catching up session is more like a normal movie cum dinner session instead..

aft dinner, i forced him to send me back home.. haha... knew he will say its very troublesome one but i dun care lo.. hehe.. quite happy to meet up wif him & know tat he is getting along quite well wif his life.. but seriously, i really felt its a pity tat he cant continue his studies... i din ask him the reason behind it or should i say i dun dare to ask him cause i feel he will feel quite uncomfotable abt it.. no matter wat, i hope everything will turn out well for him from now on...

jux reached home an hour ago.. went to meet lawrence at his yishun's office to help him out wif some work stuffs.. b4 tat, i was slacking at home once again.. ok la, cannot say slack totally cause gt help out wif some household chores.. hehe.. the weather today is damn hot n stuffy.. super sickening...

feeling very sian of my life le.. luckily, i will be starting work for in another few more days.. very motivated to work now... thk i haven been working for very long tat's y i am feeling tis way... muz pia sales le... aft helping out his stuffs, we went to yishun central to meet geraldine.. she was studying there..

had our dinner there & went to the safra country club to sing ktv... it has been 3 mths since we last went out together like tis.. reminds me of last yr when we used to hang out aft work.. time really flies, so fast a yr has passed.. in another few more wks, geraldine will be leaving for sydney.... wonder when we will go out like tis again....

we din sing until very late cause she arranged to meet her frenz to collect sth at admiralty.. so we left at 10 plus.. but that sickening guy went off b4 we reached.. cant even wait for 10 min... super sickening.. made us come all e way & he left jux like tat.... we stayed at the mac there cause geradline wan to study.. so me & lawrence continue discussing abt our work stuffs.. but most of the time we are toking rubbish... haha...

stayed until 12 plus n i managed to catch the last bus back.. will be meeting teck on thur.. finally we manage to fix a timing which both of us can make it.. over the past few mths we had been wanting to meet but every time..... haha... haven seen him for a yr already... thk there will be alot of things for us to catch up... but thk we will end up bickering in e end...

went to haf Sizzlers again wif my family yest as a post b'day celeb thingy for my sis.. has been slacking at home for the past few days.. finally went out wif em to shop & walk ard... GSS has been going on for a wk but i am damn broke now la.. super sian..

love shopping n going to town during weekdays cause there's no crowd.. very long never go out n shop wif em le.. thk i will be going back to the hols mode soon.. feel like going out & stuffs le.. thk i haf slacked enough & its time to live my hols life..

aft sending em to the station.. i walk to back to esplanade cause only there has the bus to where i wanted to go.. was walking alone esplanade n alot of memories flashed back... duno y, i jux love the land scape there.. i feel like being in another place, its jux so diff.. mayb because i lived near there when i was young & it reminds me of the past ba.. when the bus passed by shenton way, it reminds me of my grandfather.. i rem how he used to cycle along there wif me sitting behind him.. tat time i was only ard 4 or 5... really missed him... cant believe tat he had passed away for more den 17 yrs... alot of things has changed along the route.... things which seems familiar to me are not wat they are used to be.... felt really weird....

had a super hectic day yest.. went to the casino ship wif my mum.. wake up ard 8 plus cause it needs more den an hr for us to travel to the tenah merah jetty... when we reached, we still need to take a small boat to batam den change to another one b4 we board the casino ship... super duper troublesome!!

there's practically nth there except a casino & a restuarant where we can haf our meals... i can jux walk ard the gaming table looking at how others play.. really super boring.. thk genting is much nicer cause at least when we are tired, we still can go walk ard & enjoy the cool 'breeze'... moreover, i haf alot of memories there...

when i saw those gaming table, it reminds me of the time there.. really looking forward to the genting trip now... we took the 645 boat back.. only managed to reach home aft 10.. wa.. i tell u, tis will be e one n only time i am going there.. its super time consuming...

我想要说- 演奏版

it has been 4 wks.. 4 wks back i am at genting where everything started.. everything that i never dreamt of happened... during tis 4 wks, my life is like on a roller coaster ride.. so much has happened... i haf never ever went thru so much things b4 in my life within such a short time.. i haf never blog so much in my entire 2 yrs of blogging... i always ask myself tis qns... am i dreaming?? if yes, den why my heart is feeling so painful.. its so vivid, so intense, so unbearable....

even until now, the trip still seems so unreal to me... its doesnt seems like it only happened 4 wks back... it seems so long... it doesnt seems like a 'fresh' memory... i will ask myself isit a wrong move for me to go there.... i really duno... if i din go, things wont haf happened & we wont be feeling so painful now... but if i din go, there will not be any memories for us at all...

the weather is jux like how i felt today.. stormy & gloomy.. aft sending jean off, i went to the park near my house.. walked ard the park, walk along the route we used to walk.. finally, i sat there alone listening to my mp3... listening to all the songs tat are related to us.... tot abt the genting trip & abt wat happened during tis 4 wks... thk abt wat i should do from now on.... thk abt the trouble & misery i brought upon him.... thk abt how selfish i am... thk abt alot of things.....

wat should i do now to lessen his misery?? will he be better off w/o me in his life at all?? will he be happier??