the weather here is only 15 degrees now.. super cold, jux like how i feel inside my heart now.. was sitting alone outside the entrance to the outdoor theme park, hoping the cold wind can make my mind clearer so that I can process n thk abt wat he said to me tis afternoon.. had the urge to cry a lot of times but I jux force em back.. ever since tis afternoon, i duno wat i am feel already.. i jux know there's tis thing weighing on my heart & its making me hard to breathe... the pain is slowly coming back to find me.. heart really feel very very pain now, esp aft chatting wif him..

once again, i haf tot too highly of myself le.. i tot i haf tot it thru but hearing wat he say still has impact even though its already wat I expected…. Well, I should i say i am left wif no choice at all but to make myself accept the fact readily & make tat decision.. actually its lame when I say I make tat decision cause all along, either me or him are the not the one making any decision cause there is no choice or other way out for us at all… it’s a fact known, known very long time ago but I jux ignored it cause I really cant bear to face it… now, comes the time when I cant ‘ tao bi’ anymore... tis genting trip is actually one tat i come here to re-live everything one last time cause aft tis, everything will be kept inside a corner of my heart which will be locked up.. duno when will i go n open it up again le.... mths, yrs or mayb never….. but I know, I will try my best to kp it safely.. no one can take it away from me….

i will not be so heartless as to throw everything away.. cause i dun wan to forget all tis also...... so i am trying to feel & gone thru everything we had gone thru tis 6-7 wks.... but, its really very torturing..... why i jux love to torture myself?? argh..... i know i will feel the sadness, loneliness & emptiness when i visit those placse but i jux cant help & go there....

seriously, the longer i stay here in genting, the more unreal tat trip seems to be... it really seems like a dream, din really happened b4... well, it might not be a bad thing also.. mayb i might jux convince myself tat wat happened is actually a dream one day, like tat it might not be so hurting at all...

was reading thru my blog entry yest.. actually i really cant rem wat i haf wrote until i saw it tis afternoon... i duno wat i am writing at that pt of time also... even now, i also duno wat i am writing.. jux shoot n type nonsense.. haha.. thk my blog is really full of rubbish....

aft tis trip ends, i will not go n thk abt it anymore.... the wall will start to build the moment i leave here & i will try my best not to let anything break it down anymore tis time round... not getting into any r/s relating stuff or wat any time sooner.. I dun wish to feel the pain.. its really too much for me to bear… I really cant take it anymore…

sitting at the starbuck at the indoor theme park now.. in front of me is the ferris wheel that i always love looking at.. its really very beautiful.. too bad, its indoor, or else i thk it will be damn gorgeous.. mayb its the lighting or mayb its due to the myth of the ferris wheel.. haha.. gals will always be gals...

rem the phobia that i told u guys abt?? i was having it tis morning when we were on our way up here to genting.. taking the same old route as the past but things are damn diff.. felt quite emotional during the journey.. tot i would feel worse when i am up here... well, i did... but its not as bad as i imagined it would be...

pass by some of the places & some memories flashed back.. its not as hard as i imagined also.. mayb i din really go n thk abt it also.. now i am like quite normal, not really feeling anything.. i really duno isit a gd thing or not.. i am here to find back myself but i am now like doing nth & thking abt nth at all.. its more like a relaxation trip & a trip tat let me come here to 'tao bi' the reality & not facing it at all..

i am jux like my normal self.. doing all those normal things tat i will do when i am here wif my family wif occassional memories of him & me flashing pass my mind when i pass by some places.. din really specially go to the park n stuff cause i dun thk my mum will let me go there alone.. but.. i nearly did a stupid thing today.. i nearly walk to the room that we stayed here e other time... haha..

dun thk i will be going back anytime soon.. haven really fulfil the purpose of me coming here.. eh.. actually i duno lei.. thk i am still at the blur n confuse state ba.... going back to the casino aft this.. pray tat i will win ba... hehe..

goint tml genting wif my parents tml le.. not feeling the least excited abt the trip at all... the place bear too much memories le... everywhere i go i will be reminded of our times there, there's no place for me to eescape.. the worse part is i haf to take it all alone, wif no shoulder, frenz or watsoever to depend on.. not even my blog....

mayb in the 1st place i did wrongly le.. i shouldnt go wif em for the trip, the memories that i wan in e 1st place is actually the one tat is hurting me the most now.. taking the same road, going to the same place & doing the same thing but the feelings are so different now.. from happiness to loneliness... wat a big contrast.... i know i will go back to all the places where we went b4 during my trip alone tis time round.. guess u guys muz be thking since all tis things will make u feel bad n upset, why will u wan to go thru it?? well, thk tat's human beings ba.. they like to feel the pain.. its e only thing tat i can do to tell me tat, things really did happened & i really do exist in tis world...

i know things will surely change tis time round... in fact i thk its already changing now le... i duno its him or me.. i duno i am or he is changing because of the circumstances which forces us to change or because both of us has had enough... well, sometimes in life, u jux cant find an ans to a qns cause knowing the truth might not be a gd thing.. but come to thk of it, wo yi jing zhuan dao le.. cause things should haf changed a mth back... at least i gt earn a mth le ah.. hehe..

like wat he said during the call jux now... i should use tis trip to find myself back.. i really duno wat i am doing tis days & i felt like a zombie now.. while on the train listening to the mp3, i tried to make myself thk but i cant.. nearly cried but forced the tears back.. alighted at marsiling & want to walk home but in e end, i found myself walking to the park nearby instead... while walking ard the park, i realise tat there are tears on my cheek... found a seat & started stoning there.. really nth goes in & come out of my mind at all.. its like BLANK w/o anything.. den i found tat i am not feeling anything also... no sadness, no emptiness, no nth... i jux walked home like tat as if nth has happened.... wats all tis!!! theres no logic behind all those things tat i haf done at all....

even at tis pt now, i dun feel anything.. haf i gone back to the stage when i am void of any feelings again?? haf i built up the defense already?? or mayb i am jux too tired to feel anything now le, its jux tat i haven realise it only.. well, i really duno.. tat's y i thk the genting trip might not be a bad thing aft all.. change of environment & time alone, with no one able to reach me...

jux finish chatting wif him online.. actually i no need to go to genting to know whether i am really void of feelings or not cause i can feel the........... all the things started because of selfishness.. if it werent for me, he wont be feeling those unneccessary feelings also... me feeling upset is because i brought it upon myself, no need to feel sorry towards but as for him, its because i brought it upon him.....

i will try my best to fulfil all those promises i made which is within my limits to him cause i know very clearly how its like to be when someone break the promise they made to u... i hate tis feeling totally & i dun wan to cause it on others too.. tis vicious cycle should not continue...

i will try n see whether i can come online at genting or not.. so u guys need to get me, jux type at my msn ba...

jux reached home not long ago from work.. was working at the office the whole day but felt damn sei & listless.. having tis super hangover tis morning when i wake up.. pop 2 panadol b4 i went to bath n get ready for work.. really very sei... dun haf any appetite today & my head feels very heavy.. 1st time in my life tat i haf a hangover.. finally felt how it feels & tis will be my 1st & last time feeling tat.. i swear to myself tat i will not let drk until tat stage again anymore.. NEVER!!!

super duper sia suay yest.. i always say i dun like gals to drk until they sit at the street there n puke but yest i did tat & its next to the river somemore.. worse thing is he is there next to me when i puke... really super pai seh la... i really cant even stand n walk at tat pt of time.. so he went to get me some drks while i stayed there.. there is tis really kind-hearted couple who came over & asked whether i am alrite & stuff.. really appreciate wat they did.. den come the funny part, 2 hotel security walked by & tot i want to jump into the river... super lost~~~

well, really hate myself yest.. argh~~ AND he saw everything..... all the worse part of me......... 1st guy who saw my most unglam, vulnerable & weak side... i haf never allow myself to get so drunk b4 cause i dun wan to be taken care of by others.. i rather be e one taking care of others den e other way round.. i jux dun feel secured getting drunk outside.. the worst i haf done is jux puke but i am still conscious... as for yest, i was knocked out completely at some pt... am glad tat he was with me cause i know i am in very good hand & i know i can trust him.... hehe... but felt very sorry towards him cause he haf to take care of a super cho lo drunk woman who is very heavy..

alcohol is really a scary thing.. it can make u lose urself!! haha.. super lost it yest.. dun thk i'll be touching alcohol anytime soon.. got phobia now, esp long island tea!!! i thk i blabber alot of rubbbish but i cant seem to recall wat exactly i say... mayb its a gd thing also... dun wan to learn abt it when i am sober now & sia suay myself once again... haha.. he sent me back home & i slp all the way thruout the journey... mux really thx him for taking care of me & sending me home.. :)

very pai seh towards huili & qiujie cause i din managed to find them & tell them i am leaving 1st.. sorry babes.. we shall go down n club soon!! tis time round, muz drag ms anna to go wif us.. cannot let her off anymore.. hehe...

finally start work today le.. went to sembawang to meet lawrence b4 going to his yishun office to get the stuff.. took a cab down aft tat.. went to meet him cause wanna pass him sth.. had a short meeting, cause need to go back n help lawrence wif the setting up.. stayed until 6 plus cause need to go to holland v to celeb bao ge ge bday..

haf been celeb his bday there for 2 consecutive yrs.. i reached there quite early & saw johnson there le.. chat up wif him n know tat he is now studying at SIM too but its a diff course as mine.. aft dinner, we went ard to get cake for bao ge b4 going down to wala-wala..


the 2 'ahs' left... 1 went abroad, e other cannot be found...

ever since shu's bday i haven been going there le.. sit there & haf some catching up session while waiting for serene to bring bao ge over.. he was quite surprised to see us when serene removed his blindfold.. thk he muz be damn touched.. hehe..


the 4 convention steps....


the guys...


the gals...


serene was very innovative.. she printed a pic of ah li & bring it wif her.. like tat, ah li is consider to be 'present' at the celeb.. super funny la.. tat's my JC gang, always doing all tis funny n sia suay thing.. haha... but its really damn fun.. long live to my JC gang......


that's our ms ah li who is abroad....

look at how funny we are.....


bao ge & ah li... ( the loggerhead )


jackson & ah li ( the childhood sweetheart.. haha... )


the cutie 4... hehe..


my wonderful JC gang....

ok, last but no least...... let's end the day wif.......


the ms BIM......

was very busy today.. woke up quite early cause going to e market wif mummy to get the ingredient for yam paste.. yest had already finish peeling the ginko.. peel until hand super pain but tat's not the worse part.. the worse thing happen today..

as you guys know, we cant touch yam wif our bare hand cause the juice or duno wat will make us itchy.. thus i use glove but it din help at all... it took me super long to finish peeling n cutting it.. but the most draining thing comes later.. its the mashing process.. cause i dun haf a blender so muz do everything using my own hand.. i took more den 2.5 hours to finish mashing the whole thing.. mux be wondering why i took so long rite.. cause i wan to make it soft n smooth.. tis needs time n STRENGTH.. guess if i kp doing tis, i will haf a 'xiao lao shu' soon.. hehe..

aft tat, still haf to stir fry it & cook the ginko.. only managed to finish everything ard 4 plus.. wa.. next time rather buy at dessert store den cook it again..

today is a special day.. i haf stepped into my singlehood for EXACTLY 2 yrs.. where's my cake wif the candles??? hehe.. time flies... 2 yrs... wat haf i achieved tis 2 yrs?? gt into UNI, becoming fatter, complexion becoming worse... haha.. okok.. tat's the physical thing which everyone knows.. as for those things tat ppl duno, some i also duno myself.. ppl always say tat when u grow older, u get to know urself beta.. well, tat doesnt seems to apply to me at all.. i become more n more unfathomable.. sometimes i also duno wat i am feeling is true or a feeling tat i convince myself i mux feel at tat pt of time.. cause tat's supposedly the 'right' one..

really dun understand wat i wan more n more.. felt like a stranger.. becoming more n more like a old woman also.. kp slacking n rotting at home.. well, let's hope when i start working, i will start to behave n live like an energetic young woman once again.. super mono lifestyle now.. i need some color n spices in my life.. everything seem so black n white.. ( should say its more like black for me )

i wanna go on a vacation to find myself back.. i thk i haf lost it le ba.. gotta find it back soon.. felt lost at times, duno wat i wan in my life n duno whether tat's the true me, sitting here typing... its so scary... isit because of the society tat cause me to behave tis way or isit because of wat i went thru?? i am like closing myself up from others, dun wan to contact anyone tis days.. wan to distance from others... i felt tat human being can be very scary, u duno wat they are thking.. u duno whether they are true to u or not.. u duno whether they treat u the way because they are sincere or because they haf other motives.. & its very tiring to go n guess or analyse their actual intention.. i really feel very tired wif all tis 'games'... guess i am really a lazy bum....

was looking thru my docomo pic last yr.. quite sad tat tis yr i cant be working there.. argh.. its so fun working there, esp when u can touch n play wif all the lastest handset from japan & get to know their new technology.. not to mention their pay.. argh~~ why did i screw up tat interview!!!

was listening to the songs & looking thru my entries last mth.. while looking at it, its as if i was looking at somebody elses life.. its like not mine at all.. i really cant believe i went thru all tis.. ha..

its so strange.. during my exams time when i should conc on my studies, so much things happened.. at tat pt, time is already not enuff for me to revise le.. but i still haf to share it to manage all those stuffs.. now, exams has ended.. i haf so much time to thk n slack but i dun feel anything now.. wa... its jux like on rainy day when u need a cab there's none in sight but when u dun need it, there's so many on e road....

was chatting wif anna.. chat abt how we used to gif our exs chance when they disappoint or make us sad.. we are so alike.. well, mayb that time is our 1st r/s.. we duno where is our limit & how hurtful it is.. as for now, things are diff ba...

went to my aunt's place yest.. pass by JJC & quite alot of memories flash back.. it has been 5 yrs since i 1st study there.. cant believe tat some of my JC classmates are going out to work now le.. haiz.. cant dun admit tat i am old..

nth seems to change there from the exterior.. i can still rem all those lame things we did together & the 'ahs' gang.. wif ah ma always singing the 'dim sum' song, andy & jackson (known as a skinny & fatty team) always bullying our innocent & blur grace.. haha.. on top of that, the stupid 'wu gui ce' game.. wa.. there's so much more la.. really miss em.. come to realise because of our busy schedule & our own life, we are not that close now le.. well, tat's life ba.. ppl come n go in ur life... wat we can do is to treasure the person when he happens to be in ur life now... sad to say, its a very simple logic but always hard to achieve..

we went to holland v to haf our dinner & shop ard there aft tat... din stay for long cause there's nth much to shop in e 1st place.. aft dinner, we went back to my aunt's place cause my mum wanna play MJ there & i haf to send her back home aft the game.. as my goddad is not home yet, i play in his place 1st.. thk i am really addicted to MJ tis time round le.. so sad, cause genting doesnt haf MJ there or else i can play there during my trip next wk... really duno how to survive the 5 days there..

went to JB wif mummy yest.. its a last min thingy cause at 1st they wan to go down to chinatown for dim sum one but i need to meet teck in e evening so find it a hassle to go to town specially n come back..

been weeks since i last went in there... as usual, we went there to eat at Kim Gary.. love their food there.. yum yum.. hehe.. aft tat, we shop ard the shopping centre.. wanted to get the vest but its out of stock le.. in e end, i din get anything from there..

we went back in e evening & reach cwp jux in time to meet him.. he complained say i was late la.. super gek gao lo... he changed quite abit.. duno how to say but feel that he changed.. maybe during this 1 whole yr period, tat special someone in his life has changed him or because of wat happened in his life tat made or force him to change ba.. but there's one thing tat remains e same.. we still love to bicker wif each other & most of the time, i still lose to him... i really cant stand him la.. still as lame as ever....

things have really gone back to the time when we 1st started as frenz.. cant believe we haf known each other for 5 yrs le.. time flies rite.. in another few more days, i will be stepping into the 2nd yr of my singlehood...

when i saw him tis time round, there's no more special type of feelings anymore.. thk time is really the best thing in tis world to let the 'wound' heal & let the heart 'cool off'... we din really catch up much, most of the time i am the one asking him qns... but i din ask in depth also cause i dun wan him to feel like being interrogated by an officer.. hehe.. so tis catching up session is more like a normal movie cum dinner session instead..

aft dinner, i forced him to send me back home.. haha... knew he will say its very troublesome one but i dun care lo.. hehe.. quite happy to meet up wif him & know tat he is getting along quite well wif his life.. but seriously, i really felt its a pity tat he cant continue his studies... i din ask him the reason behind it or should i say i dun dare to ask him cause i feel he will feel quite uncomfotable abt it.. no matter wat, i hope everything will turn out well for him from now on...

jux reached home an hour ago.. went to meet lawrence at his yishun's office to help him out wif some work stuffs.. b4 tat, i was slacking at home once again.. ok la, cannot say slack totally cause gt help out wif some household chores.. hehe.. the weather today is damn hot n stuffy.. super sickening...

feeling very sian of my life le.. luckily, i will be starting work for in another few more days.. very motivated to work now... thk i haven been working for very long tat's y i am feeling tis way... muz pia sales le... aft helping out his stuffs, we went to yishun central to meet geraldine.. she was studying there..

had our dinner there & went to the safra country club to sing ktv... it has been 3 mths since we last went out together like tis.. reminds me of last yr when we used to hang out aft work.. time really flies, so fast a yr has passed.. in another few more wks, geraldine will be leaving for sydney.... wonder when we will go out like tis again....

we din sing until very late cause she arranged to meet her frenz to collect sth at admiralty.. so we left at 10 plus.. but that sickening guy went off b4 we reached.. cant even wait for 10 min... super sickening.. made us come all e way & he left jux like tat.... we stayed at the mac there cause geradline wan to study.. so me & lawrence continue discussing abt our work stuffs.. but most of the time we are toking rubbish... haha...

stayed until 12 plus n i managed to catch the last bus back.. will be meeting teck on thur.. finally we manage to fix a timing which both of us can make it.. over the past few mths we had been wanting to meet but every time..... haha... haven seen him for a yr already... thk there will be alot of things for us to catch up... but thk we will end up bickering in e end...

went to haf Sizzlers again wif my family yest as a post b'day celeb thingy for my sis.. has been slacking at home for the past few days.. finally went out wif em to shop & walk ard... GSS has been going on for a wk but i am damn broke now la.. super sian..

love shopping n going to town during weekdays cause there's no crowd.. very long never go out n shop wif em le.. thk i will be going back to the hols mode soon.. feel like going out & stuffs le.. thk i haf slacked enough & its time to live my hols life..

aft sending em to the station.. i walk to back to esplanade cause only there has the bus to where i wanted to go.. was walking alone esplanade n alot of memories flashed back... duno y, i jux love the land scape there.. i feel like being in another place, its jux so diff.. mayb because i lived near there when i was young & it reminds me of the past ba.. when the bus passed by shenton way, it reminds me of my grandfather.. i rem how he used to cycle along there wif me sitting behind him.. tat time i was only ard 4 or 5... really missed him... cant believe tat he had passed away for more den 17 yrs... alot of things has changed along the route.... things which seems familiar to me are not wat they are used to be.... felt really weird....

had a super hectic day yest.. went to the casino ship wif my mum.. wake up ard 8 plus cause it needs more den an hr for us to travel to the tenah merah jetty... when we reached, we still need to take a small boat to batam den change to another one b4 we board the casino ship... super duper troublesome!!

there's practically nth there except a casino & a restuarant where we can haf our meals... i can jux walk ard the gaming table looking at how others play.. really super boring.. thk genting is much nicer cause at least when we are tired, we still can go walk ard & enjoy the cool 'breeze'... moreover, i haf alot of memories there...

when i saw those gaming table, it reminds me of the time there.. really looking forward to the genting trip now... we took the 645 boat back.. only managed to reach home aft 10.. wa.. i tell u, tis will be e one n only time i am going there.. its super time consuming...

我想要说- 演奏版

it has been 4 wks.. 4 wks back i am at genting where everything started.. everything that i never dreamt of happened... during tis 4 wks, my life is like on a roller coaster ride.. so much has happened... i haf never ever went thru so much things b4 in my life within such a short time.. i haf never blog so much in my entire 2 yrs of blogging... i always ask myself tis qns... am i dreaming?? if yes, den why my heart is feeling so painful.. its so vivid, so intense, so unbearable....

even until now, the trip still seems so unreal to me... its doesnt seems like it only happened 4 wks back... it seems so long... it doesnt seems like a 'fresh' memory... i will ask myself isit a wrong move for me to go there.... i really duno... if i din go, things wont haf happened & we wont be feeling so painful now... but if i din go, there will not be any memories for us at all...

the weather is jux like how i felt today.. stormy & gloomy.. aft sending jean off, i went to the park near my house.. walked ard the park, walk along the route we used to walk.. finally, i sat there alone listening to my mp3... listening to all the songs tat are related to us.... tot abt the genting trip & abt wat happened during tis 4 wks... thk abt wat i should do from now on.... thk abt the trouble & misery i brought upon him.... thk abt how selfish i am... thk abt alot of things.....

wat should i do now to lessen his misery?? will he be better off w/o me in his life at all?? will he be happier??

my 'best fren', disappointment, found me today... i tot i haf 'hide' myself very carefully from it & haf already escape successfully from it le.. thk i am not doing a gd job in hiding ba... haven been feeling tat ever since 2 yrs back... jux like in e past, its still has a very big impact on me & i really hate tat feeling... i super duper hate tis feeling & i really mean it... its even worse den being angry or sad....

i am trying my best not to show it out but i am not gd at hiding my feelings either.. thk i am jux not gd at everything..

actually all along, i know tat its impossible for us to go on a trip ever again.. be it alone or wif others, the genting one will be the 1st & also the last one.. even when he agreed abt the redang one, i am quite skeptical abt will it really be ok & whether it will turn out to be true... but still, i go n check out abt the trip & stuffs... well, can only say i am jux trying to deceive myself n i can blame no one abt it... love really makes one become insensible n naive...

seriously, i understand his situation.. i know where he stand & i know where i stand also.. but i jux cant help & felt the disappointment when things really turned out like how i anticipate it to be.. its so ironic rite... yeah, it sure is... always telling myself that i shouldn expect anything & tot that i haf done tat but, still i felt e disappointment like how i used to feel when i was wif HIM... the feeling is so familiar.. tat's y i say 'it' came back to find me today...

during dinner, i know tat he is quite worried... i know tat i am part of the reason or worse, the whole reason behind how he is feeling at tat moment.. the atmosphere was abit weird... its making me worried also cause it might be our last time out today... things might changed aft today...

he said tat i am part of his worries cause i am fickle-minded.. today i might say tis, tml i might say another.. or worse, i changed within a few hrs... & i am always saying 'tis might be the last time lo, mayb there wont be a next time anymore'.. tis is because i dun feel secure at all..... at 1st i dun hope for anything & jux let things take it nature course cause i know one day he will SURE let go of me.. but he made me believe tat he wont.. i believed him & jux when i start to give out everything i would in a r/s, things changed... now, i am scared tat things will change once again b4 i prepared myself for it.. so now, i am always like on stand-by mode, always preparing for the worse when i sense sth... tat's y i kp saying that sentence cause its one way to protect myself & prepare for the worse... actually, i dun like to say tat sentence at all.... but i jux cant help it...

i really dun like to blog tis days.. cause whenever i blog i will hurt someone.. i hate tis la.... i know he is not feeling gd inside also & tis is making him feeling worse.. i can still use tis blog to vent my emotions n 'tok' to it but he can only kp everything to himself & take it alone.. i duno how he feels at tat pt n stuffs... i duno how hurt, upset or angry he is when he saw wat i wrote... tis is like so unfair to him... i am a bad person rite?? ya.. totally agreed w/o any qns.. on top of tat, i am also very inconsiderate.... argh~~~

haven been slacking for e past few days since the exams ended.. really enjot tis feeling of slacking n stoning at home all e time.. haven been doing tis for quite some time.. thk i will be doing tis for the next few days also.. dun wan to go n finda job 1st.. wanna get some rest cause i know once i find a job my life will be hectic once again..

pakced my notes cause i know tat i wont be using em.. den do abit of household chore.. very long never help out le.. its quite a meaningful day.. really like e feeling... hehe..

went to play MJ at lawrence's yishun house on sat nite.. its a very last min thingy.. at 1st feel very lazy to go out one cause was watching tis video 'Corner With Love' online.. but den they say they dun haf enough ppl so haf to go.. went to sembawang n meet him cause he need to go back to his house to get MJ set...

we started the game ard 11 plus den ended the game at 5 plus.. its only 2 round lo.. thk we took super long.. haha.. he called me when he arrived at s'pore.. was surprised tat he could call me the moment he reached.. muz say he really haf his ways n means.. hehe.. quite happy for him to know tat he scored quite well tis sem.. thk he wanted to tok to me but den i was playing MJ n he dun wanna disturb me so we kp e conversation quite short...

reached home at 630 n woke up by 11 plus le.. its always like tat.. if i slp ard 6 plus in e morn, i will always wake up by 12.. but den i felt quite energetic despite the only 4 hr slp... continue watching the video n slacking.. went to find him in e nite... i thk i really like to sort out my tots while i am travelling alone cause when i was on my way to find him.. i thk abt quite some stuff.. but once again, i din come up wif any conclusion.. mayb in life sth dun haf any conclusion n may doesnt even need one... wa's the pt of finding a conclusion for everything, sometimes it jux makes u feel sadder n wont help u in any way...

during tis period, sth did changed.. i haf become more independent.. in e past, i am always like relying on someone... but now, i know i can live like a 'loner'.. haha.. like how i used to be in e past.. i can do things happily on my own n wont find it weird if my phone din ring the whole day.. haf i built the wall w/o myself realising it? well, tat's one of the qn tat i dun haf an answer... i duno isit a wall or i am jux back to 'normal' b4 everything started...

quite happy to see him.. he din changed.. he is still e same.. although the time we spent together is really short, but its really enjoyable.. tis time round, when i see him i dun haf those 'se bu de' thingy lingering there.. in e past, there used to be some when i saw him cause i still feel ' bu gan yuan' abt the decision he made.. now, i can understand wat he is trying to say & i thk i can do wat he wans now also.. i duno whether tis change is gd or not.. reall duno.. i am forever changing, wat's diff is the pace of it.. sometimes it can be really fast while sometimes it take yrs.... tat's why they always say i am fickle-minded.. ha.. thk i really am... well, mayb tml i will change my perception again.. who knows??

finally finished my exams tis yr but not feel really as excited as i tot it would be... wanted to wake up at 4 to read thru e notes but in e end, only manage to pull myself out of the bed at 630.. the worse thing is study less den an hr i went back to bed again.. haha.. thk i am really a pig...

so decide to meet jean earlier at panjang mac to study.. felt damn slack but as the time gets closer to the time, i get more panic.... tis yr paper is damn damn difficult.. there goes my 1st class... sad case.. did 3 essay qns instead.. hope can make it.. aft the paper, i am damn seh once again.. all e way stone n duno wat i am doing n toking at all....

went to Sizzlers wif QC & jean to haf a mini celebration.. while walking there, all the shops are having sale... its GSS now.. felt damn tempting to buy things & i wanna buy alot of things... die.. thk muz really get a job soon.. by the time we reached there, i am abt to die from hunger.. damn hungry aft the paper... but den we din eat alot also.. thk tis is e after effect of being too hungry... i really love their salad bar there.. yummy yummy... hehe...

aft the sinful meal, we went to shop.. its GSS time, if din go walk ard, very dui bu qi zi ji lo... haha.. moreover we need to walk ard to digest our food also ma.. haha.. went to mphosis, zara n alot of shop but still cant find that dress i wanna buy.. damn sad.. argh~~~

he jux called from HK.. gt tis feelings tat he will call today.. is tat sth call telepathy?? hehe.. he fell sick le.. hope he will get well soon.. he will be back tml & nth seems to be changing on his side... as for mine, things seem to change alittle.. i am not too sure also.. its like i haf gone back to the past... thk my mind is not working today.. tml den go thk abt it ba.. since now i gt so much free time.. hehe..

actually while i was on e bus back, i am like thking abt alot of things but den, i am feeling nth... its really very weird, i duno how to say it.... i dun feel anything now.. isit because i am too tired from the paper today & is still stoning now or wat? or isit because i haven switched back to the mode of doing nth n being free?? now, my mind is in a blank.. i duno wat i wan & ya, i jux feel nth lo... thk i am becoming more n more like honours tan le... everything has become mono tone for me, even my feelings.. haha..

receive another call from him while i was watching the '200 pound beauty' online.. jux like yest nite call, it was really a surprise.. at 1st when the phone rang, i tot it might be from another fren of mine who had jux msg me sth that is not really gd... aft seeing that msg, i am a little affected... i really duno wat should i do to make him know tat at tis moment, we cant get back to the past frenship tat we once had.. i need time to 'find' our frenship, i lost it or should i say he lost it during the trip... even if we are able to find it, things changed... we wont be as close as b4... tat's one of the thing i always tell him in e past but he did it....

mayb its my fault also.. had a tok wif billy the other day & he told me tat i am prone to giving guys the wrong signal cause unlike other gals i am too frenly le.. so guys will normally get the wrong idea.. den he also said i am an extremist, if i am close to someone i can be really close but when i dun, i can jux like 'throw' him out of my life completely.. ha.. i muz admit, he is really my buddy.. when he says tat to me, i can only say i felt a 'bang'...

his call really calm me down n makes me feel beta even though it was a short one... he is trying to reassure me tat nth changed.. tat's the thing i needed the most.. i am jux like the insider in the Kyle model tat i studied for IM while he is the market maker... i need to take inference from him in order to decide wat i should do.... haha.. very funny rite.. can link tis to wat i studied.. thk i abit ' zhou huo ru mo' le... hehe...

jux checked my email & was really surprised to see his email b4 he left for HK... tell u guys sth, i dun checked my email frequently.. & tis frequently can mean more den half a yr.... so tis email can be left unseen even aft he comes back from HK if i din go & check today.....

was really surprised by his call yest nite... never expect he will call me cause he say he din bring his phone over.. was already on my way to 'la la land' when he called cause i am damn tired from the long & straining day... quite happy to hear from him & realise tat i do miss him.... in fact, i miss him very much.... b4 he called, the feeling of missing him is not as strong as e previous day le.. so i tot everything might die out eventually... tat's also the thing that i may afraid of.....

all along, i tot tis period might be a time when we might jux changed cause we cant contact each other & might realise tat it is not as painful as we tot to let everything go since we can still carry on living normally... esp when he is abroad n its a change of environment so things might not be as hard as we tot..... as for me, i might jux get used to not having him ard me or should i say deep inside me, i am scare tat he might change.... how should i say?? mayb in HK he might jux realise tat he can do w/o me, having me ard or not doesnt really matter to him anymore.. he might felt even happier cause all along, i am like his source of trouble....

so subconsciously, i am seeing tis as the period when couple break up & need to adapt back to when they are single.. i wan to minimise the pain n prepare myself for e worse scenario, at least in tis way, when things really happened i wont feel tat painful... am i jux thking too much n being too paranoid?? mayb..... well, i thk tis is jux a self-deceiving thingy.. haha... no matter wat, i thk i will still feel the pain if things really doesnt turn out as i wish & the intensity of it will be e same... so its really quite redundant for me to go n 'prepare' myself now.... so i shall leave it to destiny now.. dun wan to thk anymore....

feeling damn down cause of my stupid complexion now.. things are getting from bad to worse n its really affecting my mood.. i know its the exam stress tat causes the major breakout but den when isit going to end!!!! my exams is like ending in another 3 days but i thk my complexion wont get any better for e next few wks & tis is really really damn sickening... tis couple of days i am so pek cek abt it until i jux wan to stay at home n dun wan to go out at all... u can imagine how bad it is lo....



heard tis song when i was watching '200 pound beauty' wif jean, qc & billy.. it was a very nice n touching show.. i love the song in e movie.. although i duno wat it means but den its really very nice... to me, its sounds very touching & damn sad... mayb because i watched the show or mayb that's e way i feel now....

woohoo... finally my misery ended... the stupid IM tat caused me to haf outbreak like nobody business is finally over.. have been damn stressed by tis paper until my face become damn cui, figure also cui... haiz.. duno when will my face 'recover'... i wanna go for facial..... & its like damn soon.... see myself in e mirror i really feel like crying ah...

woke up at 5 tis morn.. haf to discipline myself cause there's no one to discipline me today.. studied until 7 den go out le.. was studying all e way on e train.. 1st time i studied so much.. normally, when i was on e way to expo, i dun study for my paper already but tis paper...... qc see me like tat he also know i super scare & stressed up...

the paper ended at 1.. me & billy went back to wlds where jean darling was already there waiting for us.. had my lunch 1st den went to the lib n pia again le.. quite surprised i still can study aft the paper... but ard 6 plus, i am wasted le.. cant conc n nth seems to go in so decide to leave n slack my day away...

wanted to go yang's place & play MJ one but den anna is not free today.. really super duper long never play MJ already... there's so much things i wanna do... cant wait for fri to come where i'll be a free bird... gonna find a job immediately aft tis.. realise i haven been working for quite some time le...

mayb going genting again in june.. tis time round is to acc my mum there.. guess its time to fulfil my part as a daughter le.. haven been acc her n talking to her tat much since april.. tis stupid exam is making me distance from my family & making myself damn unhealthy n damn cui.... argh~~~~~ quick quick end my misery....

its e 2nd day tat he is not ard.... wonder wat is he doing there... been thking abt the genting alot tis days.. although he had told me b4 tat dun go thk abt the past anymore but my mind is not listening to tat at all, it will jux drift to tat memories whenever it has a chance... sometimes i really wonder, mayb the genting trip is jux a dream i had tis days... everything seems so unreal & 'out of pt'...... me joining their grad trip when i am not in their fac & somemore having my paper a wk later seems so absurd... haha... when i thk of it now, i also cant believe i myself did tat.... its really crazy... somemore, things tat i never ever dreamt of actually happened there.... well, to some extent, it can be considered as a dream also cause it will only happened once...... there's no chance for me to continue it like how a dream works... i haf no control over it at all.....

having no mood to study at all.. feeling damn pek cek wif myself.. i really duno wat to dow if my paper tml.. there's not enuff paper to practise on cause its quite a new module den we really duno how will the format be like tis yr.. its really unpredictable n i dun like tis feeling... i am like practically memorising the whole SBG but i dun thk its of any help.. so wat if i memorise everything when i dun even know how to tackle the qns..

my mind is like damn saturated now... dun feel like touching my notes n SBG at all.. jux feel like relaxing n dun care abt anything now but i cant.. tml is my paper already.. argh... 1st time feeling so helpless n panic over a paper... i know i shouldn panic now as it wont help at all but...... haiz...

woke up at 8 cause need to go to a tender interview wif my dad at sentosa cove.. very very long never step into sentosa & tis time round, i am stepping into somewhere tat i haf never went b4.. its so diff.. all along i know there are bangalow n condo inside of sentosa but when u go in there its really damn diff... how i wish i own one of the bangalow there.. argh... den everyday i can jux relax by e beach n go for a stroll wif my love one there.. haha.. really dreaming...

aft that i went to great world n study there.. din msg him when i reached there cause i dun wan to disturb him... wanted to do alot of things for him cause i scare aft tis time round there wont be anymore chance le.. duno y, i believe tat things will change aft his trip to HK.. duno its him or its me... i scare when he is not ard, i will build up my walls unknowingly & let my rational endeavour my feelings towards him..... so i wan to do everything i can at tis pt of time for him when i still wan to n still can... so all along i kp thking tis might be our last meeting when we still haf feelings for each other....

but i did it again... i said things that hurt him once again... i am always doing tis, hurting the person tat i really care... shit me rite.. i even said he is selfish... thk tis is the 1st time tat i said sth so harsh to him... jux wat's wrong wif me.. y am i always making him angry & upset... hate myself... e last thing i wan is to disturb him n affect his mood at work but thk i did both today.. i am such a......... argh... duno how to describe oso...

studied there until 9 n he sent me back specially.. dun feel like letting go his hand, cause i scare i will haf no chance to hold onto it anymore.. i seriously duno wat will happen during tis few days.. weird rite, i myself duno how i will change.. actually deep inside of me, i am really scare that i myself will change cause i dun wish to.. i dun wan to tell him abt tat in e 1st place cause i wan him to enjoy his trip there but den..... i thk if i dun tell him how i feel, it will be unfair to him if i really change suddenly & b4 tat i already knew i might...

really enjoy his company n the journey back home... but he said he feel very fan looking at me... sad case... haha.. worse thing is he said i very FAT now n kp pinching my face... even sadder case... haha... dun care, i die die will n MUST slim down until my ideal weight within a mth.... by den, i will fulfil the dare he dare me... haha....

the 1st song from him & quite describe how i feel now.... well, mayb next time i will use songs to representwat i wan to write instead... btw the song is call 我不想忘记你...

was still feeling damn down n sian when i woke up tis morning.. i tot everything will be ok & i will be feeling fine aft an early rest but no... i took more den twice the time to walk from my place to e lib cause i wanna sort out my tots n wan to do it b4 i reach the lib cause i know if i dun, i wont be able to study there... in e end, i din manage to do tat... was sitting down there waiting for jean to come & staring into the notes... nth goes in at all.... feel damn xin ku...



my life is really damn drama.. sometimes i thk its too much for me... so much has happened within such a short time, b4 i can realise wats happening n switch to that mode, things changed again... things are changing too fast n i find it really hard to catch up wif it... at one pt, i find tat its so unfair cause he can know wats happening to me while i duno anything abt him... i dun like tis feeling.. its like a one-way traffic... i also dun wan to bother him too much cause i dun wan to annoy him....



he called in e end, am glad tat he did tat cause it makes me realise how silly n stupid i am... guess love will make someone stupid eventually.. no matter how hard i try not to revert back to my old silly self, i did it again... shit.. i was quite hostile at 1st... well, i dun mean it one... i really very pek cek abt why cant he tell me jux wat is wrong wif him & tell me how he feels.. isnt communication the best way out?? i wanna know wat i did exactly tat caused him to feel tat way so i know in e future, i will try not to do it....



i know tat entry the other day will sure haf some impact on him but i dun wish to lie abt anything or kp anything from him.. tat's y i blog.. contradiciting rite... yeah, it sure is... knowing tat wat i wrote will hurt someone n yet i did it.... really find trouble myself... serve me rite for feeling bad n pek cek... its my karma for hurting someone... now, i sure believe tat in life, there's really retribution.....



sort everything out aft that hr phone call... talk abt quite alot of stuffs... know wat he is exactly pek cek wif.... really glad tat he can tell me how he feel cause it really lift tat stone away... wanna thx him for being frank wif me during the conversation... i know it can be quite hard to say out ur inner feelings... :)



finally can sit down n conc... realise i start my revision for IM too early cause now, i cant rem a single thing.. trying hard to recap n find some familiar 'faces'... did find some but tis module is really too new & there's not much paper i can practise so i must study practically everything inside the SBG.... tat's so straining... only left wif another 3 more days to tat paper & mon i gt an interview in e afternoon... gonna waste like 2 hrs on it..... damn.... shouldnt be slacking tat past 3 days.... time is like running out....



well, no pt mourning over tat now... i'll make full use of watever i haf now to study everything n get everything rite.. tat's the spirit.... i wont let anything affect me for the next wk..... but den.... i am damn sleepy now... haha.. feel like slping now liao.....

i cant conc at all today.. damn pissed n pek cek wif myself.. i am letting my emotions ruling everything now... i jux cant keep my cool & conc.... my mind will be drifting, thking about wats happening instead.... i am losing it & tis is bad....

no matter wat happened, i'll always try my best to rationalise things out so tat eventually i'll be able to weigh n place my priority properly.... but now, esp today i cant...... jean saw everything.... she was there tis 2 wks n seeing how i haf changed... last wk, even though i was damn bothered n upset abt sth tat happened b/w me n a close frenz, i can still managed to kp my cool & study.... now, things are so diff....

wat he said & do makes a lot of difference to me.. are things changing w/o us noticing?? cause today his tone is like so diff from normal days & wat he said is like a sword tat pierce thru my heart..... pain, really very pain.... well, mayb i am jux too vulnerable n sensitive le.... it may jux be a casual remark on his side... guess mayb he oso duno wat he said n do has such a big impact on me... jux wanna say tat i really care abt how he feel n thk even now... i dun wan him to feel unhappy & upset over wat i did cause its never my intention to make him feel tat way when i do sth... sometimes i can be very insensitive abt my actions & words & hurt someone w/o me realising cause on my part, i thk tat wat i did are very normal & acceptable but it may not be tat case to others..

feel like going on a vacation aft my exams.. i need a break from alot of things... i need to go somewhere to sort out my tots completely....

waiting for my hair to get dry now b4 getting 4 hr of slp cause gonna meet jean darling to study in e lib later on....

yeat i gt cock up again lo.. really duno wat i am thking n duno y i am being so sensitive la.. hate myself..... i know i shouldnt be angry but i jux cant help it la.... i duno i am angry or jux pek cek... argh... so confusing.... so contradicting...... but i really wish tat he was there wif me......

i meet clarence at woodlands & went down to town together.. aft having dinner at wheellock, we went down to zouk.. it was still early n there's not much crowd... beginning to feel very sian when i stepped in there.. thk i am really sian n too old for clubbing le.. i prefer sitting down n chilling out now... dun feel like drking oso... duno wat's wrong wif me... jux no mood totally......

in e end, i went into the dance floor only for like 15 min den i stepped out of it le.. went to velvet wif clarence in e end.... rather sit there n rot den stand inside phuture lo.... at one pt i even feel like going back home n slp... haha... we tok abt quite alot of stuffs n i realise that he really changed alot alot.. the africa trip really create a super big impact on him... his perception, his thking n alot of things changed.. even geraldine thks tat way too...... he is more responsible & i can see he is changing for e beta.......

duno y we tok abt the dice game n he suggest we go elsewhere to chill n play dice... so we go down to chinatown there but the place is closed... den we took a cab n went to the party world at e other side of chinatown.. damn stupid rite.. ya i know.. ha.. when we reached, they told us tat its closing soon n tell us to go to the shenton way one which will close only at 6.... so..... we took another cab to go down.... theres only one word to describe us... "crazy"......

never tot tat we will go sing ktv together cause all along i know he is not a ktv person & tis time round, he is e one suggesting it so i am more shock.. my voice is super jia lat from all e shouting inside velvet.. cant really sing... so we play dice in e end, he was damn pissed off by me.. shouldn elaborate on tat else he will say i am being mean again.... i tot geraldine darling will be joining us but in e end, she went back home instead.... sorry dear, i dun mean to pang se u one.. i am really damn sian abt staying there n move my body ah.. too tired n old to do it like last time ...

we stayed there & sing until 6 or should i say play dice until 6 cause most of the time we were listening to songs instead of singing... when everything ended, we took a cab back to wlds for breakfast... its e 1st time i go sing ktv until so EARLY..... wa.... really can die ah.. esp later, i mus go n study... cui.....

haiz... how i wish now is like 2 wks back.... now, i am like on e bus going to genting.... how i wish i can turn back time...... argh~~ so pek cek now..... how come so many things can happened within 2 wks.... dun wan to thk abt it le... very tired.... recently, i cant differentiate b/w reality n dream.. wat is real & wat is unreal... its not jux all abt my r/s stuffs, its abt my whole life.... mayb the saying that life is a dream is true........ everything seems so unreal now... i cant seem to hold on to anything... i also duno wat i feel now is real or not... seems so stupid rite.... i, myself duno wat i am feeling..... jux how bad can tis get??

feeling very listless & restless today.. no mood to do anything, jux feel like rotting the whole day away... well, thk i jux gif myself another day of break, from tml onwards, everything will jux go back to normal n i will start my study thingy back....

gt the msg from MC last nite.. thx hunk for being so concern abt me.. really appreciate tat.. :) dun worry, i'll be ok... jean darling called me tis morning.. i know she had gone thru a rough patch of her life yest.. really hope i can do sth to help her cause i dun wan her to get affected by anything at tis crucial pt but i know its hard.....

as for me, will be going out wif geraldine later to relax.. haven been clubbing wif her for quite sometime.. quite looking forward to it but i duno wat will happen later also... for e past 2 times when i am down or not feeling gd, the clubbing session really make things even worse... so maybe tonight i'll jux leave the alcohol alone n be clean.... haha... jux go there to enjoy the music n company.... wanted to ask jean along one cause i thk she needed some break time off also but dun thk she can because of her family commitment thingy.... hope can haf a really gd chat wif her tml when we study together... :)

i tot i would never feel anything ever since yest.. i tot i haf lost all the feelings n are numb already but no.... i felt the pain... its excruciating, in fact, no words can describe it at all....

i never tot tat he would come today cause in e 1st place he was sick & i really dun thk he can treat me normally aft wat happened yest.. unless wat happened doesnt mean anything... tat's why i never woke up early in e morning although i set my alarm cause i dun wan to be awake n wait for his msg telling me he is coming or not.. its too unbearable... its contradicting rite.. set my alarm but dun dare to wake up n face it.... wat am i thking??

we met in e lib n went for lunch.. on e way there he asked me do i hate him?? i know tat today he came for a reason n its not so simple as to jux study but i never tot he would ask me so soon.... seriously, i dun blame him or feel angry wif him... never... i dun care whether he make the decision for me or jux for himself, but i will never blame him for watever decision he make provided he tell me.. wat i cannot stand is when u dun account for anything n went into disappearing mode... tat's one thing i really cannot accept n really hate....

i am totally in no mood to study.... jux read a few pages of my notes n nth goes in.. but i expect it already cause i already told myself tat today is a slacking day for me.. as for him, its never a study time for him whenever i study wif him... tis is e 3rd time already n everytime we will jux end up slacking.... well, we are jux fated not to be able to study seriously together...

we went out to haf a chat n tok abt alot of things... he is jux like me last time, like to thrash things out n clear everything up.. as for me, i am jux like teck.... duno how to express myself... actually is not tat i really duno how to express but i jux dun wan to hurt him... i also know the e best way out is to tok abt it n i really wan to let him know how i feel esp when now i am given a chance to do so... but things arent jux abt me..... i cant be so selfish as to blurt out everything n dun care abt his feelings aft hearing it..... i muz thk in his shoes oso.....

he said how come i can so xiao sa... actually at tat pt of time i am not sure whether i am really feeling tat or i haf already hypnotise n make myself believe tat i can do tat... but later in e evenin, i know its e the latter one... i am saying all those things in e afternoon to make him feel beta & lie to myself tat i can do it.... i am letting my rational tots to handle tis thing... come to thk of it, i am really a good liar cause i can even lie to myself n at one pt i really believe tat i am feeling tat way..... but when we are at the ktv, things changed.....

e moment i cried, i know tat's it... i will be rule by my heart from den on.... from yest until now, aft he called n told me everything has come to an end, i din shed a tear..... din even feel the urge of crying..... i tot am already immune to all tis n jux dun feel anything already.... but he sang tat song....... i cried.... i knew i will when i saw him inserting the song up.... i tot i could control, guess i thk too highly of myself..... aft tat, i can really feel the pain..... the feeling of cant letting go n dun wish to let go..... n wat's more is i can do nth to change it...

i am tat kinda of person who wont go n try or change one's mindset cause i always believe tat once a person make up his mind, theres no pt to change wat he thk.... tat's a lesson learnt from the previous r/s... in e previous one, i always put down my pride as a gal to try to salvage things etc.. tat's y i told myself tat i wont do it again unless its really really necessary & today, to some extent, i did try to change him even though i know i cant...... stupid rite.. already know the ans le den still do it again.....

in e ktv, most of the songs tat i sing today means sth... in fact i can say all.... today the feeling of the whole ktv session is quite diff from the previous ones... i din sing alot of songs tat i wanted to sing & haf sang in our past ones.... cause i know if i do tat, he will feel more painful... i haf already inflict alot of pain on him, i dun wish to add on more to it... actually, he told me tat he felt abit diff abt how i treat him today... i can sense it also.. i dun dare to look at him straight in e eyes.... i dun dare to sit near him & alot more... cause i know i wont be able to control myself.... & i really cant, i started crying uncontrollably out of a sudden.... i really cant help it... its been weighing on me & at that pt of time, i jux let everything out.... so sia suay.... cried more den 3 times today n he saw everything.. argh.... so pai seh... throw face throw until duno where liao......

aft the whole thing, he sent me back home... walking along the same way back all the time but tis time round, the feelings of 'se bu de' is super strong..... cause when i reach my place, tat's mark the end of our whole r/s.... some would say tat ours are never consider as a r/s at all.... well, i dun care.... if next time someone ask me how many bf do u haf, i will ans 2 straightaway.... even though tis whole thing is damn short, the feelings are real & tat's wat matters to me...

things ended earlier den i tot it would be.... mayb i shouldt haf changed the way i am treating him so soon.. thk i haf scared him... n the worse thing is i shouldnt haf msg him tis morning...
i jux wan to ask him whether he is feeling beta n its never my intention to stir up so many things... when i saw wat he reply aft the paper, i was damn stump... luckily i din see the msg b4 the exams or else i will sure be damn affected by it... when i saw the msg i know tat the day has come.... i never tot it would be so soon... cause all along i tell myself tat i will only go n thk abt it n come up wif a decision aft my exam.... well, mayb tis might not be a bad way out cause at least now i dun haf to come up wif a decision cause i know i will never come up wif one..

since now, the feelings we haf for each other are not tat strong yet, it might not be a bad thing to end here... but from tis time onwards, i thk i wont be trusting guys & falling for someone so soon... it will now take even longer for me to trust a guy n love him... n oso do all those things for me..... the walls that i will be building ard my heart will be even thicker n stronger this time round...

seriously, i really duno whether he is feeling as bad as me now?? i know he will feel bad but is e intensity the same as mine?? he seems really fine on e phone n he doesnt really seem cant bear to part wif me.... mayb he had gone thru alot of trauma today le.. tat's y.... moreover, yest when he was sick, i am not e one who is by his side taking care of him.. i am not ard him when he needed someone e most.. i cant help in anyway except giving him trouble..... in addition, we are only together for 3 wks... i am like peanuts or even worse under comparision... ha.... so i dun blame him at all...

i oso duno how i am feeling now.. i duno whether i am sad or not or wat... i duno wat i am feeling now... mayb i already lost all my emotions n feelings le.. will i ever feel again?? i am like void of feelings now..... isit because tats a mechanism which i build up to protect me from feeling hurt or i haf been hurt too much until i duno how it feels like anymore....

some part of me, i hope tat tis will not end, as in it will continue aft everything subside but den from his tone, i can sense that he wans to end it.. mayb its for my own good or mayb he really cant take it anymore... but i felt most hurtful when i heard him saying that the genting trip is a mistake....... tat's really hurting.... i duno wat he meant by its a mistake but i rather he say he never regret the genting trip cause it once brought us closer together........

jux played the tarot game n it says my love situation now.... it says i am hoping that things will get back to once it was but den the other party is very adamant to end it so ask me dun pin hope on tis anymore.... well, all along i thk the prediction for e game is damn true n from how he is behaving now, i thk i should believe the prediction n dun thk abt it anymore....

still frenz.. tat's wat we promise each other... but can we do it?? he once say tat if we end it now, den when he drks i beta dun appear in front of him cause he scare he cant control.. is tis statement still valid now??? as for me, can i control myself when e alcohol n emotions sets in?? will i be rational enough to do the things tat i should?? tat's one thing i cant promise oso... moreover, wat's the thing i should do in e 1st place..

i know i will never be able to treat him as a normal frenz.. he will always be tat someone whom i share those special things with... i will never ever forget him like how i promise him... its not because of the promises i made to him tat makes me say tat... its really because i dun wan to forget those things tat we share once.... those memories.. be it good or bad... as for him, will he rem me forever like wat he promise??

he say he will study wif me tml but den i guess he wont come one... he is sick now & can he really be so xiao sa as to be able to meet me tml.... he was listening to AI QING KANG Ti thruout the 30 min conversation n repeating it... i know it means sth cause the song is special to me & mayb us..... haiz.. really dun feel like thking so much... but can i???

actually i haf been thking whether to post the whole entry online or not... cause i know he will come n read it n its never my intention to write n let the other party know how i am feeling.. its jux sth i wanna write to vent my emotions cause tat's the only thing i can do now...... haiz... fan ah...

feel like creating a new blog cause i cant change some of e settings for tis n cant put up my songs etc.. so its like abit boring but i dun bear to abandon tis blog.... well, mayb i'll switch to a new one when i thk i can put down all the things or i muz put down the things which i have written here...

went to the lib n study wif jean n weiteck yest.. but i din study much because of the stupid flu... hate to study when i am having flu esp when i am studying for my maths which needs alot of conc..

went to his workplace to find him yest.. wanted to make it a surprise thingy one but den i thk i am really very bad at keeping things.. i jux duno how to make it secretive.. argh... hope i din disturb him at work yest cause i dun wan to add on to his trouble n worries esp when he is at work.... tat's why when i msg him at orchard n realise he is not feeling gd tat time, i tot of jux going back home... but den i already bought all the food n stuff for him le.... so tot jux go there meet him n pass him e stuff n i will go back... since tat's my intention in e 1st place oso..... but in e end things din go as planned.. he's quite busy & i dun wan to go his workplace to find him so i jux walk ard n wait for him until he is free........ i knew he is very pek cek wif himself & there's nth i can do to help except keeping quiet n looking at him cause i know he is not in any mood to tok oso......

i am beginning to want to do things for him.. i really duno whether is tis a gd thing or not.. when u really like someone u will not mind doing alot of things for him.. u will in fact wan to do alot for him n tat's me..... tat is why i am really beginning to feel scare cause i know i am losing it... i always tot tat i haf tot it thru n i haf everything under control but judging from how i behave now, i know i am losing control....... jean also realise tat too......

mayb i should jux do wat i wan when i haf the chance n dun thk abt so much..... i always believe tat it is very hard to find a person u love n he loves u back too.... there's so many ppl in tis world n its fate tat let u meet him & share tis special affinity.... it only like happen once in a lifetime so why thk so much...... esp when feelings tis kinda of thing is so hard to explain n u really duno when u will stop feeling it or lose it.......

at tis pt, wat i am really sure is i feel very happy when i am wif him & i wan him to feel the same too... as for the future, well... i really dun wish to go n thk abt it... cause.................

jux came back from a day of relaxation.. finish my macro paper tis morn.. felt really relieve cause it has finally come to an end.. no need to take econs anymore (provided i din fail tis yr.. ) hehe..

woke up at 5 today.. wanted to wake up at 4 one but damn tired.. den study until 7 n go meet QC they all le.. when i finished the paper i was damn seh n stone but on e other hand i felt quite excited cause i am going on our "1st Date".. hehe.. should be able to consider as our 1st official date la.. dun care.. hehe.. jux felt like seeing him..... though we haf been seeing each other for like 3 consecutive days, including today is 4!!! some of u might thk we are damn crazy rite... well, sometimes in life its gd to be crazy once in a while cause u duno when u will haf e chance to do it.. so when u haf one, why not do it???

we had our lunch at NYDC where they serve my fav brownie... we tok abt some serious issue during the meal & actually i wanted to haf a very truthful chat wif him but i seriously lost my touch of communication.. or isit because i duno where to start... thk aft the 2 long yrs of singlehood, i am having some trouble to express myself... tat's always not an issue for me in e past but now i really duno how to express myself... sorry for not able to tell u all tis myself....

he really kept all his promises to me & i felt really loved touched by all those things he had done for me.... but the more things he do for me, the more scare i am...... seriously in e 1st place, i haf never tot of us coming so far.... i never tot my love for him will be reciprocated.. all along, i told myself tat its ok if he dun reciprocate me or wat cause i am really contented for jux being able to love him in my own way.... when i know he felt e same way towards me den i tot of leaving some beautiful memories for us...

i told myself that tis will end when i start to haf expectation towards him cause its the time tat i will start to get hurt n him, getting vexed cause of my demands n stuffs.... tat is why all e time, i dun ask him for anything or expect anything for him.. so when he do sth swt i'll be damn happy n treat it as a bonus... i wont ask him how much i mean to him, where he place me or any typical qns.. tis is all a self defence mechanism i put up cause when the time comes for me to let go, i'll be able to do it & it will be less hurting......

but yest, i am beginning to realise tat things arent going the way as i tot it would be..... i realise tat i am beginning to thk not of letting go anymore... the self protecting mechanism is slowly breaking down.... once again, i thk too highly of myself le... he told me tat the decision of letting go or not depends wholly on me.... but is e power of decision really on me?? can i really dun let go if i dun wan to?? someone once told me tat there's always a choice out there for u no matter wat.... so is there any for me here??

another 3 more days to my 1st paper... can really feel the stress that's building up... damn scare abt my stats paper on thur.. frankly speaking, i really dun haf any confidence in tat paper.. all along my maths n stats sucks la.. duno y i still stupidly n happily go take tis paper... argh.. damn stupid..

den the worse thing is thur is a afternoon paper which will end ard 5 n next day i am having my macro paper at 10 am... which means tat i muz wake up like 6 plus in order to reach expo on time.... wanted to drive there one but den my dad's car gt into an accident recently n is now at e workshop.... thk i'll be damn drained out aft my paper on thur... really scare by the time i reached home i'll jux rot there n cant study, even if i study, i oso cant study till late cause i need to slp early in order to haf e energy for the paper on fri...... why am i staying in woodlands... argh...... but the happy thing is aft tis wk, i can be considered quite free le.. cause e other papers are not so bad aft all.....

now, i am thking of where can i go for my hols.. haha.. my SIM ODAC frenz are going to taiwan in aug... its sounds tempting la, but i dun thk they will be going to shop lo.. its more like a nature trip den a shopping trip.. hehe... den duno qc they all wanna go HK & macau in july or not lei... n i wanted to go to redang n enjoy the sun oso.. haha.. there's so many things i wanna do...... & now its not e time for me to thk abt tis la.. super wrong timing.. hehe.....

haven been spending time wif my mum n acc her tis days.. been either cooping myself in e room the whole day or going out to study lo... worse thing is tis coming mothers' day i cant go out wif her cause e next day i gt my maths paper.. but i promise to bring her out for dim sum next tue le.... at least aft mon, i am more free n available since my next paper will be on e 22..... haven been contributing to e family tis days.. feel damn guilty....

feeling damn terrible now..... i really dun mean things to turn out tis way.. i really duno how to face a fren of mine.. i have wasted his time n effort for helping me.... i dun blame him for doubting me cause i know to some extent, i have hurt him by ignoring him.. i dun mean to do tat but i really duno how to face him now.. i duno wat i should say to him or ans the qns he has for me....

felt damn hurting when he asked me haf i ever used him b4... imagine a close fren who knows u very well asking u tat, tat kinda of feelings is so unbearable.. thk i haf really lost his trust in me or else he wont ask tat... feeling damn damn terrible now..... why muz tis things happened at tis pt of the time when i am having my paper like tis coming thur.. this is like so shitty.... argh~~~~

i haf been telling myself the whole day tat i muz conc n not thk abt it anymore & i even off my phone..... but tis is getting nowhere..... i feel like isolating from all ppl now....... its e 1st time i felt tis way....... dun feel like letting me find me n jux go somewhere where no one knows me n fuck care abt everything......

everything has sort of like go back to normal b4 everything happened.. i am finally sitting down & able to conc on my studies.. we haf gone back to the same type of r/s b4 everything happened.. we will jux contact each other once in a while to check out on one another.. its quite cool tis way, in e 1st place, our path never really cross one another.. haha.. when i look back at everything, nth really happened actually.. thk i am jux being paranoid...

exams is jux like a mth later... studying in UOL is super straining... imagine all ur frenz will be finishing their exams at the end of the mth while u still haven started on any paper yet.. not mentioning the 3 long mths of study break that u have to prepare for ur exam.. its super draggy n tiring....... super sian.. all my frenz will be leaving for vacation n enjoying themself in another 2 wks but i still have another 6 more wks to endure b4 everything comes to an end.. argh..... i dun care lo.. aft tis exam i am going to take a super long vacation somewhere........ but........ i muz get a job 1st... haha....

i really dun understand why guys dun like to account for things that they haf done or at least let the whole thing haf a proper ending.. 'going into hiding' isit a better way out?? why cant they jux thrash things out wif the gal & let the her know wats happening.. at least i thk its better for me in tis way cause it wont make me thk & wait for an ans that will only come when the so-called cooling period is over... or worse still, mayb aft that period i wont get an ans at all....

mayb to the guys, they thk that not telling the gals anything is a better way out for her.. or because they really duno how to face her & tell her the truth for fear of hurting her.. i know on e guys part, it mayb really hard for em.... but, still i dun approve of it... cause its like so dragging & u are jux wasting the gals time la... u know we haf limited time........ so plz dun keep wasting our time.... if every guy we come across do tis to us den i dun thk we'll haf much time left b4 we turn old & haggard while still staying single.....

guess i wont be contacting him so soon.. since he already made it so clear tat he wont come & find me at tis period of time.. so i'll jux try to control myself from doing stupid things again during tis period.. haiz.. quite sad cause i wont be able to fulfil e promise tat i made to him.. tat's so sickening... i jux hate oweing ppl favour or things la......

shit to all those r/s stuff.. its so mafan & hurting... not forgetting its super distracting too...

I finally got the ans to the qns tat all along bothered me ever since from the start of tis whole thing.. actually all along, I haf the ans wif me its jux tat I never try to believe wat he say or I always tell myself that he is saying it jux for the sake of saying.. its like a swt nth that he will do to all e other gals tat he came across.. cause i dun wan myself to pin any hope on him & make myself get hurt..

Come to thk of it, it might be due to me being inside the whole thing tat’s why I cant see very clearly wat’s happening & thking properly.. its only today den I realize tat actually all the assumptions tat I made abt wat made him say wat he told me is not valid at all.. in fact its jux an excuse tat I made up so as to make myself not falling for him.. but its because of all tis invalid assumptions & stupid excuses tat makes me feeling so miserable…

Today, I believe tat he was once serious abt me.. although the time period is really short but den the feelings tat Is true is all that matters… at least I know my feelings for him is being reciprocated & its not a one-sided thing.. this was further affirm by wat a fren of mine told me tis evening.. I will not elaborate abt the whole thing but at least wat I can say here is that he do care abt me.. if he is a player, I dun thk he will care abt anything relating to me at all aft all that has happened..

Tis is all that matters… everything has come to an end & in one way or another, It might not be a bad thing tat things ended tis way.. at least we can still be frenz aft the cooling off period.. I hope we wont feel awkward when we see each other next time..

natas travel fair has ended.. its e 2nd yr i work there wif e same company & same date somemore.. its damn fast.. a yr has passed like tis & in another 7 wks time i will be having my 1st paper... at tis crucial pt of my yr i am bothered wif alot of stuffs tat i knew in e 1st place tat i shouldnt be involved in... tat's so stupid of me rite...

in many aspect of my life, i can be very easy going & take things easy... but when it comes to the matter of the heart, i am damn stubborn... and its tis stubborn character of mine tat makes me gets hurt all the time.. & its a very long time...

jux realise i am actually an extremist.. when i broke up wif teck tat time i was like tat too.. its only now den i realise tat... haha.. i very ' chi dun' rite... a fren of mine made me reaslise alot of things & know myself beta.. if not for him, i would haf lost myself already... am really grateful to him & am really glad he was there for me all e time when i needed him...

for the past few days i am going thru all those emotional trauma.. i haven been slping earlier den 3 for almost a wk.. despite slping late, i haf to wake up almost every morn b4 830 because of my sch & work commitment... i wanted to make myself really tired cause only den i will jux slp immediately i hit my bed n not thking abt anything nor letting my imagination & emotion run wild..

i am sort of like testing my limit & seeing how far i can stretch myself until the pt of breaking down.. i always tot tat i am tat kinda of person who needs to cry it out in order to make myself feels beta but for those who knows, i dun cry easily.. tat's is y i am feeling so miserable inside.. tat's y i wanna make myself breakdown cause only aft tat i will pick myself up together n forget abt everything... but sad to say, i dun understand myself at all.....

its a fren of mine who point to me tat i am already totally crushed... i haf already breakdown emotionally le.. its so sad rite cause i din even realise tat until he said so..... its e 1st time i duno wat the hell i am doing at all.... i am jux hurting myself & i cant control it.. while toking on e phone last nite, my whole body was paralysed... i am tat tired to the point that i cant even open my eyes at all.. but i still wan to kp myself awake to make myself even tired..... tat's really lame rite.....

tis is e 1st time i am doing all tis & i hope tat there wont be e next time.. i am jux doing harm to my body & i can feel it now already... the gastric tat hasnt been bothering me for quite some time is back.. i jux wanna haf a gd rest aft tml's work & dun thk abt anything else other den my studies.....

in life there's a lot of things tat you will still do even though you know deep inside your heart that its wrong.. but sometimes its really hard to control your feelings & be rational.. is there a clear line between right or wrong in life?? tat's another qns wif no answer......

in my life, i always believe tat we should live without regret & live at e moment.. the other things doesnt really matter to me.... but isit really because it doesnt matter or i jux dun wan to go n thk abt it because i am afraid to face the consequences?? mayb i shouldnt be thking abt tis kinda of things at all now.. now its e period of time tat i should enjoy myself & do things tat i wan & like..... y am i holding myself back???

went to club wif gery yest.. was having my paper in e afternoon so i came back home to change b4 meeting her.. we went to town & haf our dinner b4 going to taboo to meet HX, keith & andrew...

had some drks there b4 heading down to zouk.. we were abit wasted b4 we reached there.. as for me, it gt worse when i reached zouk.. was surprised when kenneth msg me n told me he reached le.. quite shocked.. caused never tot he will come down... den i went to velvet wif gery to find aloy & his gang of frenz.. they bought alot of drks lo.. the moment i reached, i was asked to drk a tequila shot... den there's samoka... luckily someone finished the last shot b4 they target at me... but i am damn seh le... cant even stand still...

went to meet kenneth & went to phuture to find hx & gang at the dj console.. as usual, phuture waas packed.. dance until 2 plus & went to find aloy at zouk cause he say he was alone la.. the music at zouk was not as bad as i tot.. at least its dancable.. haha.. stayed for a while & went back cause need to find gery... stayed until 3 plus & head back home.. quite long never drk until seh & do so many stupid things le.. come to thk of it now, i am really diff from my normal self & is quite scary when i get high.. cause i will start to do alot of stupid things.. shit.... haha....

went to haf dim sum buffet at YUM CHA wif mummy & bro today.. was in e lib studying in e morning.. went to haf breakfast at mac alone cause e others haven reached n i am damn hungry already.. dun thk can tahan until 3 pm for the buffet to start..... took my maths n doing it while eating.. realise i can solve all the qns tat i din managed to solve at home yest... well, thk i am not someone who can study at home cause its DAMN NOT productive la...

stayed until 130 den i left cause i need to go down to e ipod centre at wheellock to get my ipod serviced... yest i went to update the software & aft that, i cant sync songs into the ipod anymore.. the worse thing is all the songs inside my ipod were gone...... damn fustrated wif it yest..

tot sth was wrong wif my ipod nano but the service crew say there's nth wrong.. he can sync songs in w/o any pro.... he say it might be due to the corruption of the itune prog that causes it.. which means that i either haf to reformat my comp or i can try syncing the songs in manually..... but i am damn scare if i choose e 2nd mthd, if the pro still exists den i will be 'songless' for e next few days... ( i dun haf time to go town again cause gt paper on wed & thur.... )

it was qing cheng's & dadd'y birthday on thur.. haha.. din celeb for daddy on the actual day cause my bro was at bintan.. so we decide to postpone the celeb w/o telling him... well, thk he is quite upset abt it cause tat nite, i heard from my sis that he was sort of complaining saying its his bday today..... haha.. its really cute of him la....

realise that daddy changed alot tis couple of years.. he had become more homely & will mind abt tis kinda of stuffs where in e past he will not even care.. thk as u get older, u will begin to thk n realise that family matters to u most n blah blah blah..... at 1st its really quite weird of him but now, i thk its a gd thing cause our family bonding now is beta..

went to the IT show & its already damn crowded on a thur afternoon.. cannot imagine how its gonna be like on weekends... wanted to get a laptop but den its like quite redundant & at the moment, i dun really need one.. so i thk i will jux put the purchase on hold 1st... wait until i gt spare cash or when i really need it that time den get one..

really sorry abt not updating my blog so recently tis days.. been feeling lazy n on top of that, i am not at home most of the time for e past wk.. had been going out almost everyday ever since i came back from KL last mon.. which is like a week ago....

MON - 19 feb
went to ryan's b'day party at his place rite aft i came back from KL.. reached at 9 n went there at 10.. den aft his celeb for him, instead of joining him to go dragonfly n drk, i went to lawrence's place to play MJ until the next morning....

TUE - 20 feb
went back slp until 1130 den wake up cause had to go to mindy's place & ms goh's place to BAI NIAN... the funny thing is mindy is not in s'pore & we still went lo.. haha.. had video conference wif her over the net at her place.. her mum is really very frenly & nice to us... aft that, we went to ms goh house at clementi.. very long never saw her & its e 1st time i went to her place aft she gt married... hehe.... stayed until 5 plus & b4 leaving the place wif yang cause we are going to meet lawrence & anna @ ikea.... went to his office n help him to do some setting up... aft dinner, we played MJ again.. b4 tis i still gt play MJ @ mindy's place wif andy they all la.....

WED - 21 feb
finally did sth productively.... studying for exams.... went to e lib to study wif weiming & yang... at least sort of build up e pace lo.... at nite, we met anna & huili to go ktv.. wanted to play MJ again one but dun haf MJ table lo.. sad...

THUR - 22 feb
went to the lib to study again but tis time round, i only study until 3 plus cause billy last min msg me & asked to go his place to eat & sing ktv... yes, his place gt a set of ktv system tat is like partyworld.. we often call his place as k-world... haha... went there wif anna & it was raining very heavily so we waited at the train station.. suddenly billy appear out of no where.. haha.. his frenz, who are my JC seniors were trapped there like us & called him over lo.... it was like a mini JJC gathering.. quite fun cause i never really know tis seniors in JC but get to know em under tis kinda of scenario..... played MJ again there... thk i am becoming a MJ addict.....

FRI - 23 feb
boon hao invited me to his place for steamboat... so i went wif anna.. he picked us up at 3 wif yang & we went down to PS carrefour to buy some food b4 going to his place.. realise there's a lot of post CNY sales going on... argh..... cant really shop cause i am having my MOCK EXAM NEXT WK... & i haven even study anything la... die.... we went his place at 5 plus & started playing MJ..... my life is all abt MJ now... nth else really interest me except that n ktv.. i even gif up my last time fav, clubbing.... we played until shela came & start on e steamboat..... aft that we went back to play again..... yang came over at 12 plus to join us & we played until 5 plus b4 going back........

SAT - 24 feb
suppose to meet weiming at e lib at 10 but........ me 7 yang were damn late.. by the time we reached is 1230 le but its partly because of the stupid sudden downpour tat caused us to be so late la.... went to haf lunch n back to studies.. but due to e lack of slp, the progress n absorption is damn bad lo... in e end, din really get anything inside my head.... den i need to go off at 530 cause i am meetin my mum & aunt for dinner at west mall...... aft the dinner, we went to my aunt's place cause they wanna play MJ & i asked yang along to play oso..... once again, its a all nite thing... we only left the place ard 7 & took a cab back home.....

SUN - 25 feb
once i reached home, i concuss all e way until 230 as we haf an appointment wif lawrence at 4... went to meet him at yishun cause we need to haf some trg stuff....

jux came back from my post b'day celebration organised by my JC gang at Vivo.... its only today den i haf tis b'day feeling lo.. if not for em, i will still be thinking nth had happened... they are really swt to be celebrating it for me.. thx guys..

i met yang earlier to shop ard.. saw tis dress at topshop... wanted to get it but thk i wont be wearing it often cause its more like a clubbing type of clothes.. since i am not going there so often le, beta dun waste money getting it.. hehe.. there's so much things i wanna get but quite broke now... sad....

we met up at 6 plus & decide to go to eat at KIM GARY... we are the largest group in there & making the most noise.. that's always the case whenever we haf andy & jackson ard... wat's worse is they are always making fun at the waiter n aunties la.. cannot stand em....

took alot of photos la.. in e process of uploading em...

aft dinner, we went to the animal safari... there's nth much there, guess they haf either sell all the animals or they jux kept the animals at some secret chamber or sth la.. aft that, we walk ard & took some grp photos.. but because of the lighting problems, everything is so blur n dark... & we look DAMN BAD in all e photos la... super sad....

as most of us gt lecturer tml & some need to go back to rush their projects, we decide to go home quite early... so we walk to harbourfront to buy drks... nth seems amiss to me while we were at cheers jux tat some of em went missing.. but i din thk too much.... then we begin to walk towards the atrium where there is some animal display... shu & ah li were standing behind the ox one, so we jux walk over... den i had such a big surprise for e day.... there is a cake, they went to buy it when i was buying my drks at cheers... am really touched by wat they did... tis is e 1st cake of mine tis bday... din had any cake on e actual day & never tot i will be having any tis yr... thus tis cake means quite alot to me... really love u guys sia.. hehe...

my b'day is over jux like tat.. jux like how i wish it to be, its really simple & quiet.. sometimes i dun feel that its a special day of mine at all.. no cake, no elaborate celeb, no unusual encounter.. its jux a normal day where i go for lect in e morning n return home... if its not for all those swts msges that all my frenz msg me wishing me 'happy bday', i might not thk its really my bday yest.. haha..

feel really touched by all those msges that i received yest.. was quite surprised to receive some msges from a few frenz.. never expect they will rem my b'day.. really wanna thx & show my appreciation to those who really care.... thx darling.. *hugz & kisses* you guys really brighten up my day......

wanna thx my parents for bringing me to tis world.. its really hard for em.. haha... esp when i am such a naughty & sickly little ger when i am young..... can still rem how i used to go in & out of the hospital almost every wk last time.... really owe em alot alot... duno when can i finish repaying them..... din managed to get my mum any gift tis yr... feels quite bad abt it... hope next yr i can make up to em...

had a simple family dinner wif em at geylang.. feels i am the most fortunate ger during dinner, cause the ppl sitting ard me are those that really cares for me n loves me the most on earth w/o wanting anything in return... really enjoyed my dinner....

as i get older, i reaslied tat family is wat matters most to me... yest morn, while on my way to sch, i haf tis silly tots wondering how many more b'day can i celeb wif my mum n dad.... haha.. really touchwood rite, fancy thking of tis kinda of things on my bday.... haha.. so from now on, i will try my best to celeb my bday wif em.... cause b'day is e day tat u mux show gratitude to ur parents.....

few more hours n i'll be turning 22... not feeling excited abt it at all... in fact, to me, its jux another normal day.. i really duno wat's wrong wif me tis days.. jux cant be bothered abt anything, even my bday now... is this wat growing up will turn u into?? or isit jux me??

last time i will wan to make my bday celebration a very grand n elaborate thing.. now, i jux wan sth simple n cosy.. even if it means staying at home n doing nth, i'll still feel very happy..

he msg me & wish me happy bday yest when i was chatting wif anna & yang at the prata shop near zouk.. when i saw the msg, duno y, i felt like crying... i can feel the tears in my eyes... i really duno wat's wrong wif me.. i cant explain y i am behaving tat way... isit because of how close we are last time den now he is using another kind of identity to wish me.... i really duno... & i dun feel like finding the ans oso....

yest went to zouk n sort of like celeb my bday wif anna, geraldine, yang yang & huili.... jux ask a few close frenz instead of the usual big crowd.. jux dun like crowds tis days.. felt abit off n weird inside phuture oso.. duno how to dance to e beat n enjoy the music anymore.. dun thk i'll be going there anytime soon unless there's some special occassion or sth...

thk i am over that clubbing stage.... but i dun regret going thru that crazy stage in life cause it makes me change alot of my perception of things in life & i really learnt quite alot from it... realise tat life arent as simple as i tot it to be... during tis past 1 yr, i really changed alot... mayb tat the 'price' tat you muz pay when u turn 21.... everything will not be e same anymore....

great~~ i lost my favourite fossil watch that my mum bought me.. its e limited v'day edition one somemore la... thk i wont be able to buy it again or wat liao.. argh~~ feeling damn upset now la..... feel like crying.........

haven been updating my blog recently.. jux find it a chore n hassle to update n upload the photos..

went clubbing wif gery, damien & his 2 canadian frenz.. haven been clubbing for e past 3 wks so this clubbins session i was quite excited abt esp i haven been clubbing on fri for quite long.. but, its not like wat i expect... i am totally NOT enjoying the music & i jux feels like slping all the time... i cant even move to e beat... thk i lost the clubbing thingy le......

prefer sth that is more like chilling n lazing rather den moving... thk i am really getting older... or i jux probably tone down, its a gd thing esp my prelim is like less den 2 mths away & my actrual exam less den 4 mths away.... haven been starting my revision, thk i muz start REAL soon.... there's jux so many things to study but i simply doesnt haf e mood yet... so guys, plz ask me out to study k.... i need companies to motivate me & make me move my butt out of my house to go out & study.....

i thk i jux saw a shooting star wif weiyang jux now.. its e 1st time in my entire life that i saw one la.. but i duno whether its a shooting star or not lei.. cause the light it emits is greenish-yellow lei.. sounds weird rite but it looks damn beautiful... dun care, jux assume that i really saw a shooting star.. haha....

was on e way to cwp wif yang when we saw it.. he wanted to get sth for his bro thus i acc him.. was damn tired today cause went to lawrence's place to play mahjong until tis morning again.. staying up the whole nite is such a draining thing la.... disrupt my studying & spring cleaning plan cause i slp until 3 today... super 'bu san bu si'....

bought a small studying desk from the new IKEA on fri.. drive there wif mummy & sis.... thk i really need to do sth to my room.. esp now new yr is coming, jux treat is as spring cleaning.. hehe.. i need to get a bookshelf & my ipod nano.... mux seriously start my studying engine le...

happy new yr~~ haha.. sorry for e lack of updates recently.. been very busy & tired due to all those new yr celebration thingy... because of last yr experience, i decide not to go to town tis yr to celeb the new yr, thus on new yr's eve, we went to lawrence's place to play mahjong & countdown....

there's gery, anna, me & weiyang... we went to cwp to haf our dinner 1st & get some tidbbits b4 going down to his place.. edward, alvin, philip & huanwei came over later to join us for e countdown b4 heading for their own prog... as for us, we continue to play mahjong until e next morn.. which is ard 7 den went to haf our breakfast @ sembawang mac... very long never do tis wif frenz le.. seems like we are in sec sch lo.. haha...

went back home to slp until 1230 & haf to rush down to Settler's cafe @ Holland V wif weiyang cause we haf a JC gathering there tat day.. we played all sorts of games there & were split into wat 'bimbo & intellectual team'.... ( definitely tis idea was come up by the skinny & fatty team again )


later in e day, we play tis game which was really fun & intend to buy it from the cafe.... was damn tired by the end of the day & slp thru the journey back wif weiyang... haha.. got knocked out the moment i reached home....

2nd jan :

went to lawrence's place to play mahjong again.. thk i am seriously very into mahjong now.. played until 11 plus den went home cause next day gonna start my 1st day of sch & need to go down to mr boon hao's party @ pasir ris...

3rd jan :

went to meet geraldine darling @ queensway shopping centre aft my maths lect... wanted to go there & check out some navel studs.. but nth catch my attention tat day.. thus we decide to go to bugis & shop.. but b4 that, we went to IKEA to haf our lunch... we ate alot of food lo...

aft the feasting, we went down to bugis.. din find any studs i like oso.. but i bought a top 7 some earrings.. mux start shopping for new yr clothes liao... haiz.. so fast its gonna be new yr again... luckily tis yr i no need to go back to KL.. tat's so cool....

boon hao came & pick us up at bugis.. den we went to find anna.. played mahjong at his chalet again.. but we din play money, jux frenly 'match'.. hehe..

later on at nite, boon hao was damn wasted & ricky sent us back instead.. thk during b'day celebration, the b'day boy & gal will sure get wasted... well, thk tis yr i will jux celeb my b'day quietly.. haha..